Journal Of A Therian.

5/25

And again, Ive been MIA. So much for my future self having a cohesive journal to look back at. Well lets see, what have I missed... The picture on top is of a Eurasian Wolf, my theriotype. Although I have only seen her and felt connected in the green forests, that can certainly change. But the wolf looks very similar to the wolf I saw, and I feel more connected with it than any other picture.

Well its spring now, hurray!! My favorite time of year. Back fully in person, and I got a haircut, so I cant really wear my ears, but hey, whatcha gonna do.

I've been howling and running around barefoot in the woods when I get the chance, which has been great. No definitive memories, but.. I dunno, feelings. I'm missing my pack. We used to just run around the forest when there was nothing to do. But I miss waking up and hunting, or making dens, or sharing a kill. I miss it all, and so walking in the forest.. it kills me to remember what I've lost. I'm there, and then I just get flashes, I guess, so I'm learning more about my past life.

Online, I've joined  Tumblr, which is kind of helping, and I'm talking with a few people. On discord, i'm in three communities, so we will see how it goes. Ive been researching a bit, especially on therian meet up groups. Not a lot of luck. taking random nature or wolf quizzes help, though. I really wish I could meet another nonhuman in real life, though. It might be years before I do, but one can always dream.

Back to outside, i have decided to make a better base camp, to have more of a semblance to the "camp" my pack would have had. while they would have continuously moved around though, this one will be permanent, because i want a place to go when i want to think. we are currently moving between two houses, so maybe by the end of summer, both will be done. I am building an elevated tree platform, a fire pit with seating logs, a place to store wood, and a strong stump for chopping wood.

My howling has improved greatly, and it feels more natural every time. bare footing has been great, but then a few days ago i got like, 16 mosquito bites on my feet, and 6 on my hands, so mom says i should wear shoes for a while, which i probably will. my dad has been really good with helping with outside things, helping get me tools to create things, to make up for jaws and claws. I got a hatchet, and i plan on making a leather sheathe for it, so that will be fun. I am also getting a handsaw. i have been looking at how to make snares, though i will probably rarely or never use them, because I am not a fan of meat.

At school, and outside of school, I have had a few mental shifts, sometimes randomly, sometimes triggered by anger. Usually, I feel the urge to be very violent, and have a tendency to "claw" things, or flex my arms, with my hands as "claws," and it is very hard to not hit things when a shift comes on. At home, I can attack my bed, but you can imagine that at school, it is hard to control. I don't really understand it, is it a reflex from being so powerful and now being in this weak human body, and wanting to expend energy, or is it because I was a violent wolf? That doesn't make sense with what I have seen, that grinning wolf at the edge of the forest. That was me.

Another things I have been wondering is, was I a lone wolf? I doubt it. I miss my pack, every day. But the more I think about it, as you do with anything, the more you doubt it. Ive never really "seen" them, and so the possibility of being a lone wolf.. is real ig, but i dont have any evidence to prove it either. thoughts for another day, though.