Gaslighter

06

CHAPTER SIX

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2018

          I was determined to take things slow and not rush anything.

          Part of me didn't really want to, as I didn't want to risk coming across as someone who didn't know what they wanted; after all, I had been the one to force him into a dangerous situation that could very well ruin his life and mark the end of what could be a brilliant career. On the other hand, I also didn't want things between me and Chase to fly by at the speed of light, freak him out, and drive him away.

          My mind felt like a broken record, constantly rewinding to the moment when I realized just how treacherous our state of affairs truly was, and it was utterly agonizing. I'd lie in bed at night, alone and wide awake, unable to press pause when I wanted to. My brain replayed the same hypothetical scenario, over and over again, reminding me once more I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

          To ease my guilt, I forced myself to set some boundaries, under the pretense of wanting even more safety.

          I decided we had to get to know each other better first, just so both of us could be all in completely and realize whether we were worth fighting for and risk losing everything. There was no denying he was so attractive I melted into a puddle at the mere sight of him, my brain turning into mush, and it took every ounce of self-control I still had left by that point to not take him to bed. Physical appearance aside, there were other aspects that drew me to him, the ones that mattered the most and explained just why I couldn't stay away from him like he had advised.

          It was hard to remember he wasn't that much older than me, even if the age difference had been pointed out by him. He looked young for his age, but his brain was something else entirely, like he belonged to a different time period and had experienced so much already at twenty-six, whereas I was still nineteen, still stuck in the shadow of my parents.

          Getting to know the person you were interested in was a vital part of any relationship, but our relationship was far from ordinary. While other people could afford the luxury of going out on dates, we couldn't be seen together in public, at least in places where we would be recognized, and I was recognized everywhere I went. The Romero surname meant something, after all, and I'd grown up with cameras shoved in front of my face. So, at first, we alternated between his apartment and my loft, the two safest places we could think of.

          "I'll take you somewhere beautiful someday," he'd promised once, half-asleep, half-drunk on my couch. "Once things settle."

          I couldn't not believe him.

          It was October now, darker and colder, and my loft was warm with Chase's presence. He was grading homework, a frigid reminder that he was my superior when it came to college, and I forced myself to not look at what he was writing. I couldn't even turn on the TV to distract myself, afraid it would disturb him, so I shifted my focus back to the Introduction to Media paper I desperately needed to finish. I could have been done with it weeks ago, had I not spent so much time obsessing over Chase, but even he had managed to not fall behind on his schedule.

          He had friends, a job, a life. I only had him, even if it was just under very specific conditions and circumstances.

          I was beginning to feel like I was a little bit too much for him. I'd fallen, and I'd fallen hard, never knowing how to do anything in moderation, and, for some reason my brain couldn't comprehend, he had taken an interest in me. However small it might be, it was enough for me. In such a short amount of time, he'd seen past all my smoke and mirrors, at least part of it, and he had really seen me—me, out of all people. It wasn't like I could ignore that.