Gaslighter

33

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

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2022

          Savannah didn't notice our departure from the party, too busy mingling to even glance at the front door, and, before I knew it, Ingrid and I were both out of the apartment complex.

          I could hear my heartbeat pounding in my ears, even louder than the music, and wondered how many times I'd find myself in similar situations—somehow unable to ignore the most prevalent sound and stimuli in my immediate environment and focusing exclusively on myself and my body because I couldn't deal with stress properly. Not like a normal person would, anyway; I knew pregnancy scares had that name for a reason and no one who definitely wasn't ready to have a child would be relaxed under these circumstances, but I couldn't help but feel like part of me was blowing everything out of proportion.

          The irony of being joined by Ingrid tonight wasn't lost on me. Out of the two of them, I'd expected Savannah to tag along, as I was eerily reminded of that party we had to cut short because Ingrid had nearly died in our bathroom, but I was still jittery from our conversation from that morning and didn't trust the person I'd be around her when all my emotions were on the verge of both collapsing and exploding. My whole life was in its messiest state, and I'd never been well equipped to healthily handle things that broke my routines, anxiety and all.

          Sweat pooled in the hollows of my collarbones, in spite of the cold weather. In the peak of winter, my body temperature had shot up—I could tell it wasn't cold sweat, especially with the way I'd peeled off my jacket on the way to the parking lot, feeling feverish—and, if that wasn't a sign my body wasn't well, a sign my body couldn't house a child under the current circumstances, I didn't know what was. After the stress, after the lack of sleep, after all the drinking—how could I ever expect anything different? Why would I even bother to hope for a positive outcome, when it would never work? Not now, at least, and, if the result of the test came back positive, I was certain it would be the final nail in the coffin.

          Deep down, I was certain it was impossible. It was an idea Ingrid had stupidly ingrained in my brain to make me question everything I thought to be real, passing it off as a mere joke we'd laugh about in a few weeks once the dust had settled, but I knew her. I knew her better than she thought I did, and was certain there were things she'd say and do with the sole purpose of hurting me, hidden under the guise of a joke. No one could get away with nasty stuff by laughing it off, not forever, at least, and I found some sick pleasure in realizing she'd been underestimating me all along.

          Old Penn maybe would've let it slide just because she oh so desperately wanted to stay on Powerful Ingrid Vogel's good side, ever so obsessed with the perfect friendships and perfect interactions, but I'd grown older and wiser with time. The present version of myself appreciated the way she'd dropped everything she was doing to join me tonight (though I hadn't forgotten they had thrown this party for them and not to celebrate my birthday as advertised), but she also wasn't willing to let her guard down just yet. I couldn't have this be yet something else she'd hang over my head whenever she needed to emotionally blackmail me.

          In my wildest dreams, I never would've thought this was how my twenty-third birthday would begin, let alone how I imagined my life would turn out. I would never imagine I'd have such a massive argument with my parents—about Chase, out of all things, when I'd been so spectacular at keeping everything in separate drawers of my life and only letting them meet when strictly necessary—and having to leave my birthday party (that I hadn't asked for) early because a seemingly innocent joke had convinced me I was pregnant was simply the cherry on top. Realistically, I was overreacting, all the stressful factors of the past three and a half years culminating in me reaching my breaking point, and everything about my current situation was simply mortifying.