This Is Life

Relationships

I sat beside Donny on the train home and rested my head on his shoulder. "Everything okay Julia?"

"I'm tired, scared, broken..." I took a deep breath. "There's just so much going though my head."

"You wanna talk about it?"

"I dunno. Maybe tonight, you can come over for dinner. Ma would be happy to have you, she loves you so much. And we can talk about it then, when we're alone. I'd rather not discuss it with the other guys around."

"That's fine." He kissed the top of my head and slid his arm around me. I smiled a little and closed my eyes, falling asleep to the sound of the train on the tracks. A few hours later I heard cheering and woke up.

"Donny?" I whispered.

"We're home Julia. And I'm happy to keep us a secret." The train stopped and I stood up and walked off the train, Donny just in front. I immediately saw Ma and ran over to her and hugged her tightly.

"Julia. You're back. I've missed you so much."

"I've missed you too Ma. And, I'm sorry I've let you down."

"You have not let me down at all Julia. I'm so beyond proud of you, Donny, all of the guys."

"I'm letting Michael down though. And there's... there's so much guilt bubbling inside me."

"Donny?" Ma said taking my hand in hers. I simply nodded. "He's a lucky guy. And you're a lucky girl Julia. I knew the day the pair of you left on that train together that things would be different when you returned. You two care about one another so much, even after everything that happened, you know what's right for you now." I shrugged.

"Can he come for dinner. We want to be able to discuss some stuff alone without the other guys there."

"Of course he can." I turned to see Donny talking to Oliver. I walked over with Ma and stood by his side.

"Ma says you're more than welcome to come over for dinner." I said softly.

"Thank you so much Mrs Adams." Mama just bowed her head acknowledging the tension between everyone and the obvious thing that no one knew about the relationship.

"No problem. You've had a busy few days, all of you." We talked a bit more and then Ma and I headed home. I went straight to the fireplace and picked up a photo of Michael and I. I sat on the couch and just cried.

"I'm sorry Michael." I sobbed. "I'm so sorry. I can't believe I fell for him. Of all the men I could have met and liked and fallen in love with, I've fallen for the one who killed you. Even if it was an accident. He still killed you Michael and now, now I began to fall in love with him. Your best friend." I just cried and Ma came in and sat beside me. "Why him. Why was he the one."

"Because he's the one you get on with, who you have a connection with, who you feel attracted to."

"And he's the one that killed Michael."

"And that's what you need to put behind you. You know how much survivors guilt Donny goes though every day, he's spoken about the nightmares and insomnia he has because of the war. I know it will be incredibly difficult to push it to the past, but everything happens for a reason."

"I just don't know if I can Ma."

"You'll be able to. It will take time, but you'll get though this, together. You said yourself the day you left for New York that Donny has helped you so much. He helped you to find your voice as a singer again, he's helped you come out of your shell. Your song, love will come and find me again, you wrote that poem after Michael died, and look what's happened. Love has come and found you again. And remember that the pain you feel, Donny feels it too. He's gone and fallen in love with his dead best friends wife. He made a promise to Michael to check in on you, he didn't ever say 'go fall in love with her'. But he has. And what you guys have is special, I know it is. And I see this sparkle in your eyes when you're together. Especially when you make music together."

"Thanks Ma." I said softly. There was then a knock on the door. Ma went to open it and moments later Donny came in.

"Sorry I'm early, I just, I couldn't get that conversation from the train out of my mind. I wanted to make sure you were okay Julia."

"Thanks Donny. And I'm doing better." I said softly as I looked up at him.

"Julia, I'll be in the kitchen making dinner. I'll let you guys have some time alone to talk." I nodded and Donny came and sat beside me, cautiously taking my hand in his, locking our fingers together.

"So, how are you doing Julia."

"Well better now I've talked to Ma. She really helped me."

"I'm glad. You're lucky to have her. She's an amazing mother to you."

"Makes up for the lack of my father." I sighed. "And I know your mom passed when you were thirteen, but if you ever need someone to talk to, Ma is there for you. For us both. As I said before, she loves you so much. She loves when you come over, when you play the piano, when we sing together. She's definitely your number one fan."

"After you I'd hope."

"Well yes. But I'm part of the band myself." I chuckled. I turned a little so I could see donny's face and I just looked at him and began to cry. He immediately pulled me into a loving hug and he rubbed my back.

"Shhhh. It's okay Julia. I'm here for you."

"I'm scared Donny. I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm broken. I... I..."

"Shhh. Deep breaths Julia. Deep breaths. I've got you." He continued to just comfort me until I was slightly calmer again. "One question at a time. Why are you tired?"

"I.. I didn't sleep last night."

"Oh Julia, you should have come to me. I didn't sleep either, but we both know I'm used to that. Why didn't you sleep?"

"I, I felt like I'd let everyone here, back home, down. I felt like I'd betrayed Michael. I had so much going on I couldn't sleep."

"I'm sorry honey. Did the nap on the train help?"

"Yeah. A little. Being beside you made it easier, but also harder."

"I know how you feel. I feel it to. I promised him I'd make sure you were okay."

"And you did that Donny, you made sure I was okay, and then you made me feel better than okay. You made me happy again. You brought swing music back into my life. You brought joy to my life Donny. This is also why I was scared. We both know what you and Michael went though. I'll never know to the extent that you do, but I understand. We both went though heartbreak, loss and grief. And Ma told me that we can help each other. We need to be there for one another and we will come out stronger."

"I agree. And also Julia. You haven't let Michael or anyone else down. He is so proud of you Julia."

"And he's proud of you Donny." I looked up and into his eyes. "And hopefully he's happy for us."

"Yeah. Hopefully." He stroked my cheek with his soft thumb and I leant into his touch before I pressed a single soft kiss to his lips.

"Donny. I... I love you. But I want us to go slowly. We've both been though so much, and having one another has helped, but I don't want to rush into things. We have the band to focus on, build up this career. Hope we don't end up blacklisted. And I want us to be careful knowing our pasts." Donny nodded.

"That's okay Julia. I don't want to push you, or force you into anything you aren't happy with. I love you too, and I want us to develop a strong, healthy and loving relationship." He kissed me again and I kissed him back before just cuddling up to him.