A Sensitive Arrangement

Chapter 14

Content warning: Dementia

I woke up the next morning knowing I would be alone in the house. The day after Christmas was always Grandma day. But she wasn't my Grandmother, she was Julian and Olivia's. It was the one day a year that Ella and Max didn't put extra effort into making me feel like I was as much a Callaway as I was a Watson. They had tried for years, but it was just awkward for everyone involved.

Max's mother had dementia. As a precaution, she had been placed in an assisted care facility a few months after my father passed.  When I started joining the family on their visits, it just confused her. She could never quite wrap her head around where this extra child had come from. For years they would try to explain the situation, but it never stuck. At first it was fine, albeit awkward and somewhat painful to have to continuously relay the story of my parents' deaths, but I could deal with that. 

Everything changed a few years ago, when she started getting me and Olivia mixed up. I could see the hurt in Olivia's eyes. She tried to cover it, she understood logically, but it couldn't have been easy to experience her grandmother's memory of her seemingly replaced with me, a practical stranger. I told Ella and Max I didn't want to go anymore after that. They didn't argue. I knew it was an open invitation if I ever felt like joining them again, but I didn't.

I figured I should get a head start on my newfound dating life, or lack thereof. I opened up my new laptop, and started scrolling through social media, looking at the possibilities. It's not that I hadn't noticed when someone was attractive before, it's just that I hadn't really cared. But the more I looked the more I started to see Julian's point. Every time I thought someone had a nice smile, I would immediately dismiss them because it wasn't as nice as Julian's. So maybe doing this by looks wasn't the best idea.

I tried to scroll through people's posts, to see if anything stood out. It was mostly just pictures of pets and a bunch of videos of people dancing around their bedrooms. It became increasingly clear that no one actually provided an accurate portrayal of themselves on the internet. But I guess that made sense. It's not like my public persona really reflected my true personality either.

Sighing, I shut the laptop. Maybe I just needed some breakfast. I passed Julian's bedroom on the way down to the kitchen. I strongly considered going in, just for a second. I didn't want to snoop or anything. I just wanted to smell it, to breathe in the comfort. I decided it would still be an invasion of privacy, and quickly made my way down the stairs so I wouldn't be tempted.

The house was eerily quiet. Ordinarily there'd be a chef or a maid or someone bustling around, helping keep the giant estate in order. But they were given December 26th off every year. Ella had left a box of bagels out on the kitchen island with a note. They saved a blueberry one for me. Grabbing a tub of cream cheese from the fridge, I thought about what I might do with myself for the next few hours. My mind briefly returned to Julian's room, but I quickly shut that idea down. I decided to bring my bagel to the home theater. It was the only other room in the house that had me and Julian written all over it.

I know, I was supposed to be thinking about my other options. But how could I, when he had been the center of my world for so long? And now everything I wanted seemed just out of reach.

I turned on some old Christmas classics, hoping to just shut my brain off for a while. Apparently it worked because the next thing I knew Julian was gently shaking me awake.

"Hey Sleeping Beauty. I was wondering where you had gotten off to." I smiled at his term of endearment, it was the second time he had used it this week. The first time I had been convinced he was just teasing me. Now I knew better.

"How did it go?" I asked, slowly sitting up and rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

"Fine." He shrugged, taking a seat next to me on the couch. But his face told me it was the opposite of fine.

"Hey, you didn't let me get away with that crap seven years ago, I'm not going to let you get away with it now." He had spent his early adolescence painstakingly drawing every possible emotion from me. He never let me keep anything bottled up inside. It was the only way I had survived the grief, by unloading some of it on to him. If I could repay the favor, there was no way I was going to pass up the opportunity.

"She doesn't have much longer. I don't know if I'll see her again before--" He admitted, his voice heavy and barely above a whisper.

"I'm so sorry Julian." I wrapped my arms around his neck and just held him for a minute.

"She doesn't even know who any of us are anymore. The woman who used to sneak me extra snacks and bring me the silliest of presents just so she could watch my face light up. And now she doesn't even recognize my face." He pulled out of my embrace so he could look at me.

"Can you tell me about her? What was she like before she started forgetting?" I asked, part of me was just trying to provide some comfort. Another part was genuinely curious. I didn't know much about the woman.

"I used to spend a lot of time at her house. Whenever I would get stressed by all the weight of the world's expectations. She was the only one who didn't see me as the CalWat heir. To her, I was just her grandson. She made a rule that my father wasn't allowed to talk business when she was around. It was her way of making sure I got little bits of respite here and there."

"She sounds like the perfect grandmother." I smiled as my hand went reflexively to his back and started rubbing it tenderly, the same way he had done to me countless times before.

"She was. Is. I don't even know what tense to use anymore. It's like she's gone already, but she's not. I'm scared. Not for her to die. She's lived a good long life. She deserves her rest. I'm just scared that when she does go, all I'll feel is relief." He confessed. I could tell it felt like a one thousand ton weight, crushing down on him.

"How do you feel right now?"

"Devastated." The honesty of his confession hung in the air.

"How about we say goodbye to her right now then?" I offered, hoping he would recognize what I was trying to do.

"What if she defies all the odds and we're just doing this again next year?"

"Then we do it again next year. What's the harm in giving it a go?" I tried to convince him. He sighed but slowly collected himself, probably just to humor me.

"Goodbye Grandma." He started, but then he seemed to be at a loss for words.

"What are you going to miss most about her?" I suggested.

"I will miss your cookies. Your ability to put my father in his place with just one look. But most of all, I'll miss how much you loved me."

"If you could say anything to her right now, knowing she'd understand you with perfect clarity, what would you say?" I worried that this was starting to sound more like an interview, but he seemed to be playing along. Who knows, it might have even been helping.

"I wish you could have gotten to know the amazing girl sitting next to me right now. You would have loved her. She sees me as I really am too, just Julian. And that's how I know I'm going to be okay, even when you're gone." He had a few tears spilling from his eyes now. So did I.

"I love you Julian." I comforted him, but soon realized all the strange new connotations that word might be taking on. "Sorry, that wasn't meant to be confusing, or mean anything more than what it always has." I added quickly, hoping I hadn't ruined the moment. "I mean, we're still us right?"

"We'll always be us Ali Cat." He smiled down at me, pulling me into his arms. I felt like a teddy bear. It made me laugh a little. He used to joke that he was my life size teddy bear. Now I was his. "I love you too." He added, kissing the top of my head. And we sat there, holding each other, until time stopped having any meaning.