A Sensitive Arrangement

Chapter 22

I had decided, now that the cat was out of the bag, it was safe to let Luke drive me home. His knowledge of my living situation didn't do much to ease my nerves, regardless of how amazingly he had taken the news. Hearing it and seeing it were two different things. He must have sensed my anxiety, because he gave my hand a gentle squeeze as we approached the estate. When I looked over at him, I noticed a little reassuring smile grace his lips. Until it dissolved into a look of confusion and uncertainty as we approached the closed gate.

I suddenly wished Olivia hadn't been so forgetful. It used to be a key card entry, but she kept leaving hers at home or losing it, so we had upgraded to a biometrics scanner. I awkwardly leaned across him, sticking my hand out his window so I could press my thumb to the reader. After a few seconds the barrier swung open.

"Do you also secretly have an uncle named James Bond?" Luke laughed, nearly salivating over the high tech gadget. Boys and their toys.

"I guess it is a bit overkill." I admitted. Ella and Max took our privacy very seriously. I suppose when your teenage son starts making national news for his apparent promiscuity, it changes your perspective on these kinds of things.

I adjusted my position so I was sitting back in my own seat. I immediately missed the feeling of his warmth. It wasn't a searing heat he emitted. It was more like a soft toasty glow. It made me want to cuddle into him.

He drove through the gate up towards the main entrance to the house, putting the car into park once we reached the front door.

"I had a really great time, Alice." The atmosphere thickened immediately. I could feel a welcome tension grow between us. It was exhilarating. It made my heart flutter and my pulse quicken as I wondered what would happen next.

"I did too Luke." I don't know why I said his name like that. Maybe because he had said mine. Maybe because I just liked the way it felt in my mouth.

"Can I pick you up for our volunteer shift on Saturday?" He asked tentatively.

"I'd like that." I smiled.

"So would I." His breathy laugh held a deeper meaning. Was it relief? Joy? All of the above? Whatever it was, I liked it. I waited for him to say something else, but he didn't. I guess it was my turn.

"If you want, we could go somewhere afterwards. Just, you know, remember to bring a spare change of clothes this time." My own laughter was light, encouraging. Or at least I hoped it was.

"Yes!" He exclaimed, a little too quickly. "I mean, sounds good." He added, trying to play it cool, even though we passed cool hours ago.

"Sounds good." I repeated his sentiment, my brain seemingly unable to come up with any new words.

"Umm, I don't really know the area yet, so if you have any ideas..." He trailed off, no longer as sure of himself. Not that he had ever been all that sure of himself. But I liked his hesitancy, it made me feel safe I guess.

"Don't worry, I'll come up with something." I assured him.

"I'm never worried when I'm with you. And somehow, kind of always worried at the same time. Is that weird?" He let out an awkward laugh that made me like him even more.

"No. I feel the same way." I bit my lip and for a split second, I swear I saw his eyes focus on my mouth. But just as quickly, they were looking into mine again.

"I'll see you Saturday." He sounded a bit rushed, unsure. Like he wanted to say something else, or do something else. After another second of uncertainty, he leaned across the center console and kissed my cheek. I felt a giant smile split my face in two, which he swiftly returned with his own.

"I'll see you Saturday." Apparently I was just going to repeat everything he said from now on, as my command of the English language was quickly deteriorating into feelings of marshmallow fluff.

Before either of us could say anything to ruin the moment, I made my way out of his car and into the house. I stopped at the control panel in the entryway, watching him drive away. I entered the code to open the gate, allowing him to exit. And then I just stood there, long after his car had disappeared from view of the multiple cameras around the estate.

Olivia had apparently grown tired of waiting for me in the living room.

"Oy, waiting on details here." She jogged me from my trance. And I realized I still had a goofy smile plastered across my face. "That good, huh?" I hated her knowing smirk.

"He's... amazing." I had almost said perfect. I wanted to say perfect. But I didn't. No, I wasn't going to sit here and ponder why that was until I let myself ruin this feeling. I was living in the present, and presently, everything felt like the most delicious flavor of jello ever invented.

"Is he a good kisser?" Olivia raised her eyebrows suggestively.

"My cheek thought so." I repaid her saucy expression with one of my own.

"You gave him the cheek?" She didn't sound impressed.

"No, he didn't try for anything more than that." I explained.

"This guy is either a eunuch, or way too into you for his own good." She laughed.

For his own good. I didn't need to think about that right now. Hopefully I didn't need to think about that ever. It would be fine. Everything would be fine. Right?

"I'm going to bed." I told her, feeling my mood start to deflate. I knew it was only a matter of seconds before she realized something was off. And I didn't want to be here when she did.

"Goodnight." She called after me, but I was already halfway up the stairs. I silently prayed that I wouldn't run into Max or Ella on the way. I didn't want to talk to anyone right now. My prayers were answered.

Upon entering my bedroom, I made a beeline for the closet, wanting to change into a pair of fluffy pajamas. But when I opened the doors, there it was, right where I left it. Julian's sweatshirt. I quickly balled it up and threw it into the back corner of the wardrobe.

Fuck him. Fuck him for playing with my feelings like I'm some sort of toy. He can't just kiss me, and feed me some shit about my face lighting up when I laugh, and then tell me it's always been me, and then fucking disappear again.

He can't tell me I need to see other people and then just expect me to drop them once he comes back around. But he didn't expect that, did he? He was the one who had said I should take as long as I need. But now I wanted them both and I couldn't have them both and I was just so confused. And it was all his fault.

In my rage, I didn't even realize I had taken my phone out of my pocket. But there it was in my hand, his contact information written clearly across the screen. All I had to do was press the call button and I could be saying all this to him, instead of to myself. So I did.

"Fuck you Julian. You can't just come here and make me feel things and then leave again. You know there are other people in the world right? People who have actual feelings. Luke's a good fucking person. And I'm not going to let you ruin this. No matter how perfect you are. No matter how much I... Fuck. You told me if I wanted you, you were mine. Well guess what, I don't. I don't. I want Luke. Because he's good and he's funny and he's shy and awkward and everything you're not. Because he doesn't fuck everything that moves. I bet you don't even--"

The beep told me I'd reached the end of my recording time. The voicemail had been saved. It would be there for him to listen to when he woke up. Part of me regretted it immediately, the part that still dreamed about being his wife. The other part was proud, and pissed off. The latter half was louder. Much much louder. And yet, somehow the former half convinced it to make one small concession.

I walked to my wardrobe, almost as if someone else was controlling my legs. And like a puppet on a string, I fished his crumpled sweatshirt out from the back, where It had landed. I pulled it on, letting it drown me in it's softness, in his scent. And then it happened, the dam broke. I was honestly surprised it took so long. I curled myself into bed, thankful I hadn't let Olivia attack my face with makeup, and melted into a puddle of tears and snot and regret and anger and confusion and hurt. So much hurt.