A Sensitive Arrangement

Chapter 23

I awoke to an overwhelming sense of fear and anxiety. I was afraid to look at my phone. Afraid he had called back. Afraid he hadn't. Afraid of everything I said. Of everything I didn't say. Of everything I might have lost, and everything I might still have. But it buzzed and that was the only impetus I needed to grab it from the night stand, unlock it, and find out what my future held.

Ambiguity. As if I didn't already know that. The buzz had been a junk email. Julian hadn't called back. He hadn't even texted. He was probably off partying somewhere, not even sparing me a second thought. Tonight was New Year's Eve. It was already after five PM in Prague. They had probably started early. Spending all day drinking and whatever the hell else they did.

"Oh my God. Get up. We have a party to get ready for." Olivia exclaimed, barging into my bedroom without knocking.

"I could have been naked, you know." I scowled. She looked me over, trying to hide her concerned expression. I realized my mistake. I shouldn't have drawn attention to what I was wearing. I was still in Julian's sweatshirt from last night. And I'm sure my eyes were more than a little puffy.

"Text Luke. Tell him we're going to a party tonight." Part of me was thankful that she had chosen not to lecture me. But I knew she wasn't ignoring my obvious feelings of distress. Olivia was a woman of action. She didn't discuss, she reacted.

"Since when?" I knew it didn't really matter. In a few hours I'd be in whatever party dress Olivia picked out for me, hair done, a face full of makeup that I would spend the night pretending didn't feel like goo.

"Since ten minutes ago when Jenny's parents decided they were spending New Year's in the city. She's got the house to herself all night." The excitement in Olivia's voice was practically overflowing. I wish the feeling was mutual. I wanted to spend the day in bed, wallowing. Again. But I knew that wasn't healthy.

I knew I shouldn't let Julian do this to me. Every piece of feminist literature, music, art, they had all told me I had to be the strong one. To reclaim my power for myself or some bullshit like that. The problem was, they all made it seem easy. Like I should be able to just crawl my way out on my own. That was starting to feel impossible.

Luckily I wasn't on my own. I had Olivia.

"What time?" I asked, pulling up my text chat with Luke.

"We'll pick him up at eight." She said, flitting from my room, before sticking her head back in. "Be in my room in thirty minutes."

It turned out Luke had already been dragged into the city by his family. He said he wanted to invite me, but he was worried his parents would scare me off. It made me laugh. If only he knew all the things that should be scaring me off. All the reasons I should be staying away from him. Reasons I was ignoring.

So now I was facing a night surrounded by drunken rich kids playing truth or dare as a means of legitimizing their voyeuristic tendencies. None of it sounded anywhere near as appealing as it did half an hour ago. It seemed like everything sounded more pleasant if Luke was involved. But he wasn't. We weren't. Not tonight anyway.

Olivia was throwing things out of her closet left and right, before finally producing a slightly metallic silver dress.

"Try this on." She ordered, tossing it at my head. I stripped down to my underwear. Not bothering to cover myself up or hide in any way. Olivia and I had seen each other in all the various stages of undress over the years. She was the only one I wasn't shy around. Even in gym class I made a point of changing in the bathroom stalls.

I stepped into the dress, pulling it up over my legs and torso. Olivia was already at my back, prepared to zip it up for me.

"Perfect. You look hot." She said, staring at my reflection in the mirror over my shoulder, hands resting at the top of my arms.