REVIEWER - DrakeRTodd
Time of Affliction by CpTbone13
Blurb - 3/5
Language, Grammar, & Flow - 8.5/15
Plot & Characterizations - 14.5/20
Original & Creative - 8.5/10
Total - 34.5/50
Review: Your blurb does pique my interest and give me quite a bit of curiosity about what's going to happen to Robert throughout the story, although I would definitely say that a bit of a rewrite would help with the flow of it, just to make it feel more natural.
So, while I did see a few problems regarding grammar, there are a lot more problems with your flow, particularly regarding the very short and abrupt sentences, and with keeping the correct tense in certain moments. You do need to choose if this is going to be 1st person in the present tense or past tense; both are equally good to write in, but flip-flopping back and forth between them creates more issues with the flow. This many, consistent issues with the flow of the story can easily take someone out of it repeatedly, which can be a major problem when trying to keep some engaged. This is also true of the characterization of Robert, who comes across as very uppity and seems to very much think of himself as being better than other kids his age, and this can just as easily take someone out of a story as awkward flow or grammar.
Speaking of something being able to take someone out of the story, the biggest thing that took me, personally, immediately out of the story was the suggestion that he was born eleven months after being conceived, because that is not how Human anatomy works. It is nine months from conception, and if there is something that would cause that to be different (be it early due to medical reasons, or late due to outside, maybe experimental, reasons), it needs to be stated very clearly when it is initially mentioned or it is just going to serve as a thing that bothers the reader. Particularly if your reader has children of their own.
All that said, there are parts of this story that I see as having great potential, and there are moments peppered in here and there that are cute. Things like describing Robert's parents as protons and neutrons, or talking about how his relationship with Emma is progressing at their own pace, which is a wonderful way of showing they march to their own beat together. Please feel free to contact me via PM with any questions you may have, or if you want anything clarified.
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