Pretty Boy

Chapter 10

I couldn't sleep in my bed that night, so I drove up to the dorms and turned the green lights on and laid on the bottom bunk. My pillow smelled like Adam's cologne, forcing his face into my mind.

He sprayed it on my pillows. He's playing dirty.

Smell takes you back like nothing else can and he must ha known that. Because his stupid little face was right in front of me. He was laying above me in his bed, he was in the kitchen making a late night snack, he was all around me and it was oddly comforting.

I know what love is. I feel it when I'm with my family. I know I love someone when the thought of losing their presence makes me want to die. I know I love someone when I notice the little details about them. The hardest part is loving someone but not knowing how.

That's my problem.

I don't know how to love people outside of my family. Sometimes not even then.

I don't love him. It hadn't been long enough. But I could feel it slowly growing in my chest. I could feel myself wanting to listen to his music and drive past his house just for the hell of it. The thought of never experiencing him again made me nervous, but not sad yet.

I flipped my pillows over and sighed.

That asshole.

I feel quite closed off from other people. My emotions never really come out, so it's like nobody knows what I'm really like. I'm not bitter, I'm kind. I'm not mean, I'm softhearted. I'm not a loner, I'm lonely.

For a long time, my doctors told me I was depressed. They still do and encourage me to take medication for it. Any time I've gotten it though, I just poured the pill bottle into the toilet and watched them flush away.

I need to get my mind off of that moron. I decided against sleeping and called my mom, walking over to the fridge and pulling a bottle of vodka from it. I poured a full glass of it and walked back into the room as she answered. "It's late. Everything okay? I heard you leave."

"Mom, how do I stop myself from caring about someone?"

"Ah." She sighed. "You like the boy?"

"No! No no no, I don't yet but I have a feeling that I'm going to. How do I stop it?"

"Yuki told me about your little game. What happens if you lose?"

"I think I lose him altogether."

"Wouldn't it be easier to say you've lost and go separate ways before it gets serious?"

"But I don't want the game to be over." I drank from my glass. "That means I may never see him again."

"So you DO like him."

"I don't. I just-...When he saw the tickets I got him, he cried because he was happy. You should have seen his face, I mean- I don't want to lose this friendship."

"Sounds like more than friendship to me."

"How can I make sure I don't fall for him?"

"Try to focus on his bad qualities. It's been proven that the less someone likes you, the more you'll chase after them. Maybe be mean to him and he'll lose first."

"It's like I have no self control when he's around. I can't say no, I can't be too mean, I can't hurt his feelings-"

"Find something about him that you hate."

I heard a familiar voice yell form outside and jumped up to look out the window, seeing Adam with a girl running over to him. They seemed to be talking about something but my heart nearly stopped when he kissed her and laughed. "I think I just did. I'll call you back." I hung up and tossed my phone aside. He glanced up at the window and smiled.

He knows I'm watching him. How did he even know I was here?

He waved. "Shuji!"

I left the window and downed the rest of my glass, grabbing my keys and leaving the room. It was about a minute elevator ride to the ground floor where my car was. "Hey! Come down to visit?" He asked as I walked past him and unlocked my car from a distance. "Shuji?"

How was this affecting me? I'd only started dating him last week! Was he just that good? Was I that pathetic?

I got in the car but he ran over to my window and knocked on it. I rolled my window down and glared at him. "Step back. I don't want to run over your foot."

"I can smell alcohol on your breath. You don't need to be driving. Come back inside-"

"Fuck off, Adam!" I backed up the car, to which he stepped back and watched me drive off. My vision was a little blurred but I could drive fine.

I was speeding down the road but my foot wouldn't ease off the gas pedal. My hands were tight around the steering wheel, heart heavy in my chest.

Lies echoed in my head.

I hate him so much.
I never want to think about him again.
I don't like him
I don't like him
I-

"I don't!" The lies burst through my throat but the loud music from the radio drowned it out.

I need to calm down.

I stopped at a red light and took a deep breath, loosening my grip on the wheel and letting my foot gently press against the brake. "Damn..." I turned the music down and leaned my head against the steering wheel.

I hadn't lost yet. I was just angry, pissed off that he'd purposefully do something like that with me watching. And then have the nerve to ask me to stay.

I shot him a message and kept driving.

Shuji| you want to play, let's play.