Pretty Boy

Chapter 22

The party was crowded and with Adam talking my ear off, I felt out of place. A bunch of girls kept trying to talk to me but I ignored all of them and went straight to drinking.

"You look pale." Elise trotted over to me with a frown. "You okay?"

"I'm fine. I'm always pale." I sat up on the counter and sighed. I felt like the music playing was too loud and Elise was too colorful. Blue lights lit up the house, blurring the thoughts in my brain that tried to leave my mouth.

"Are you always this quiet?"

"Yes."

A party with my sister was fine but this was a little much. I felt like I had to lie to Elise. I really was anxious. "Where's Adam?"

"He went to the bathroom."

"Are you gonna tell him about what's going on?"

"No. He almost died. He doesn't need that."

"What's going on?" Adam walked over to us. I didn't respond but Elise walked off. "...Shuji what's she talking about?"

"Nothing important."

"Shuji that sounded important."

"It's not. Can we go home?"

"Why do you want to leave?"

"Adam I can't do this right now. Please, can we go home?" He gently reached for my hand but I jumped down from the counter and pulled my keys from his pocket. "If you're not coming, ask Elise to drive you home."

I headed outside, listening to him follow me out to my car. "Wait! What the hell?!"

I don't like being out in the world. I don't like myself and I don't like watching Adam get hurt.

He went back to the dorms with me, deciding being quiet was better that pushing me. But when I started to pack my things, he did just that. "Stop! You're not leaving!

"Adam I can't do this!" I yelled at him, slamming my suitcase closed and turning to glare at him. "I can't be out here."

"Out here?"

"Out of my own space! I've spent my entire life away from everyone and that's where I'm safe. I'm safe when I'm away."

"That's not true. Even if it was, you can't just run away from that."

"Watch me." I reached for my phone but he grabbed it.

"Shuji please. Talk to me, you tell Elise everything but leave me absolutely clueless. I'm worried about you."

"You could have died!" My voice broke. "And you're acting like it never even happened. You're happy and exited like always and you nearly died right in front of me!"

"What do you want from me?" He looked at me, distressed. "I'm trying to push through that. Can't you?"

"No. No Adam, I can't."

"Is that what this is about? The accident?"

"No. It's not about the accident. It's about us and all of these people and whatever is going on in my head. I'm scared, okay? At least give me the option to back out."

"Back out of...."

"All of it."

"Even us?"

"Adam you're amazing." I sighed. "But I can't do this right now."

"No...no no no! You're just scared, you don't have to leave me!" He dropped my phone and grabbed both of my hands.

"Adam-"

"I mean it! I'll be better, I'll-"

"Adam!" I pulled my hands away from him and grabbed his jaw, making him flinch and look up at me. "I'm not good for you. I'm trying to keep you safe here. I warned you again and again but I won't do it again. You need to stay away from me, everyone does."

"Just because you hate yourself doesn't mean you get to hate me too..." tears slipped down his face, hands shaking as he stared at me and grabbed ahold of my waist. "Please don't go. Please don't leave me."

"Save your tears for someone else." I wiped his tears away and grabbed my phone from the floor. "You told me that you wouldn't be around long. Maybe it's me that should've had that line."

"Please don't!" He grabbed my wrist before I could grab my suitcase, his jaw set right. "You lost! You can't leave!"

"Adam let go of me."

"I knew I was gonna get hurt." He looked down, hair falling into his eyes. "I knew that."

"Then why did you stick around?"

"Because I thought if the game was over, you'd go! And now you are!"

"Yeah. I am."

"I don't ask for much. But...please stay. Please."

"I can't do that."

"You can't build my hopes up and then run away! That's not fair! I won't let you go!" He grabbed ahold of my shirtfront tightly with both hands, jerking my body forward and slamming his forehead against my own. "I won't let you leave!"

"Adam....it'll be okay."

"No." He shook his head, his voice rising and cracking when he shoved me to the floor and climbed on top of me, slamming his fists into my chest. "You want to stay!" I hadn't heard someone scream before. Not like that. Not like they were so frustrated that flames nearly burst from their chest. "So why are you doing this?! Why do you always do this?!"

"Always?"

"You're a fucking liar!" He locked eyes with me, making me flinch when I saw the anger within them. He was breathing so heavily that I'm sure his throat was burning. "All my fucking life I've been lied to! I can't take it anymore, I know you want to stay so why are you pushing me away?! Why aren't you being honest?! Do you hate me that fucking much?!"

"Adam. Breathe."

"Fuck you!" He hit his fist against my chest so hard that my breath caught in my throat. "Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!"

"Adam-"

"You have to let me go just to get a damn hold of yourself?! That's fucking pathetic! You're pathetic!"

I don't like hearing him yell like this. "Please breathe Adam."

"You hate me don't you? ....Say it!" He's shaking, his eyes wide and his words trembling as he screams them out.

"I don't."

"Liar! Pathetic goddamn liar! You're just like everyone else! All you do is lie and pity yourself for every little thing you possibly can!"

"I don't hate you."

"Bullshit!"

"I really don't."

"You're just like him." He leaned his head against my chest, his voice falling quiet for a moment before he let out the loudest sentence I've ever heard from his mouth. It made the hair on my arms raise, heart dropping when I realized what it was that he said. "Why do I love someone so pathetic?!"