Nothing For Me

Part 3

2012
You were lying down, staring at the ceiling that was covered with glow in the dark stars. The only sound was the faint tick-tock of the clock that sat on your nightstand.
The duvet covered you, but you still felt cold. The heat was on but you still felt cold.
Your eyes burned with tears that were threatening to spill past your waterline and you didn't even know why. Maybe it was the fact that you were forced to spend yet another day without your mom. Maybe it was the fact that Tony had left you in this tower all by yourself. Maybe it was the fact that you just didn't feel good enough for anyone anymore.
"You don't hate me, right M.I.A?"
It was such a broken statement; asking an A.I who doesn't have emotions.
You always imagined being so much farther than this in life and sharing all those accomplishments with your mom. But here you were, trying to gain reassurance from a robot.
"I could never hate you, miss."
The tears started flowing and you didn't even care anymore. You were sick of trying to be enough for your father; it's not like he even looked in your direction long enough to know you were there and not a figment of imagination.
It was silent for a moment before a ping sounded through the room.
"One message from Michelle Jones."
You began chatting with the young girl about a month after the Battle of New York. Your mind was in a haze at the time and you weren't fully aware of your actions until you heard her voice over the phone. The two of you became quick friends even if Michelle refused to admit it. Besides M.I.A, she was the only one you were constantly talking to. But the more you thought about it, it was sad to think that one of your friends was technically a robot.
MJ was always giving you a chance to rant to her about whatever you needed to. One day it would be about your asshole of a father, the next day it would be about a stupid, cringy, cliche hallmark movie and how they made the women so dependent on men--it really just depended on the day.
You sluggishly got out of the bed; the only thing that was giving you even a semblance of comfort at the moment. Picking up your phone, you read the text that read, 'ft????'. You replied back with a 'sure', and waited for your friend's call. The ringtone sliced through the tense silence that was in the room.
"Hey, what's--why is it so dark in there?"
You gave a non-committal hum and slid back under the covers.
"You good?"
You let out a small sigh and asked your AI to activate and dim the lights.
"Just...pissed off and upset at the world--well more so Tony. Like I lose a parent, move in with the other only for him to throw me to the side like I'm some piece of garbage that should've been recycled. I'm here all by myself during the holidays--a time you're supposed to be with family. I mean I'm always alone here, but I just thought it'd be different with Pepper here and how much she tries to doctor his life. But turns out, she ain't shit either. I don't even know why I got my hopes up in the first place," you chuckled bitterly.
Letting out a deep breath, you turned towards where you left your phone standing and looked at MJ.
"I'm sorry for dumping all this on you. You don't need that."
Her eyebrows were furrowed and your mind immediately went to the worst case scenario. You took the silence as her contemplating how to tell you, you were just too much to be friends with. You were getting nervous that you were about to lose the best thing that's happened to you since your mother died.
"Come over."
"I--what?" you spluttered.
"Come over," she said adamantly. "It's obvious that you're lonely over there. I'm pretty sure my parents won't mind."
"Why?"
Michelle let out a sigh and you saw her eyes begin to wander across her room. "Because, as much as I don't want to say it, I've grown to tolerate you."
For the first time in more than four months, you smiled.
-
When you arrived at your friend's apartment, she immediately pulled you into her room. The two of you spent the night into early morning watching any cringey movie you came across and started to critique it.
In the morning once her mom came to wake the two of you up, she found you on the beanbags in the corner of the room, snuggled up under one blanket.
-
After a week stay at the Jones household, you decided it was time to go home--if you could even call it that.You felt like you were overstaying your welcome regardless of what MJ and her parents told you.
You made your way back to the tower after a long morning in the library. You knew it was dangerous to travel alone, but would anyone care or even notice you were gone.
The elevators opened with a ding and you were greeted with the sight of Tony and Pepper on the couch. You weren't even supposed to be on this floor, so why in the world did it stop here? They immediately paused whatever conversation they were having and stared at you while you were trying to get the elevator to close and go to the floor you wanted.
"Young lady, where have you been?"
Oh so he actually knew you existed. What a shocker.
"Out."
You continued to press the button harder as if that would help it close. You knew that he probably overrode FRIDAY to prevent you from moving but you really needed to get some emotions out and the closest victim happened to be that button. Pepper was watching the whole thing go down and you could tell she was trying to find a good moment to input.
"Hey, you don't need to use that tone with me."
You let out a sharp sigh and finally stopped smashing the elevator walls.
"If you really wanna know," you began, walking towards the kitchen counter. You set your backpack down and grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge. "I was spending some time with a friend because I was left here alone." You took a sip of water before setting it down. "Again."
The strawberry blonde had a solemn look on her face and was staring at her lap as if she was ashamed.
"I'm sorry sweetheart. We didn't mean to do that."
You let out an unconvincing hum and grabbed your things before heading back to the metal box.
"Hey, we're not done talking here."
You rolled your eyes at Tony before grabbing your phone out of your pocket.
"Yeah, well," you clicked a few things and the elevator began to close. "I am. Bye dad."
-
Dad.
You used to long to say that word.
'Dad can we go get ice cream?'
'Daddy, I passed my math test!'
'Can we go to the dance, Dad?'
Millions of scenarios would always pass through your head, wondering if life would be different if he was in your life from the beginning. All the embarrassment and teasing you went through for not being able to go to a daddy daughter dance. All the times you wished for a piggy back ride whenever your feet were tired after a long day at the park.
Every time you asked where your father was, a part of you would lose hope until that hope was just gone. You no longer asked about him, figuring that he was just nobody that would ever have to be concerned with. He didn't want to be involved in your life, so you wouldn't let him invade your mind.
But then she was just gone. Gone. Your whole life taken away from you in a snap. And there was nothing you could do except sit back and watch it all unfold.
When you came here, you hoped he would be there just like you hoped for your mother to get better. But as time went on, you realized hope was for babies. To you, having hope was as useless as a remote without batteries. It was as useless as a bag with holes. It was as useless as shoes without soles. From then on, you vowed to no longer hope as it would only cause pain. Why hope for something only to be disappointed in the end?
So as you were lying on the soft mattress only some could dream of having, under the blankets that were as soft as a sheep, you thought about hope. How hope shattered dreams and hearts. And how shattered dreams and hearts led to silent sobs and tears that would shed in the privacy of your room while the soft glow of the tv was the only light you saw.