radiant | jung hoseok | ✓

chapter five | shots of espresso

"Oh Fin... I'm so sorry," Mom apologizes softly, reaching out to take my hand from across the small table. She holds my hand briefly and casts me a look of concern, "Do you need any help finding a job? I can try looking around if you'd like."

I let her take my hand and find comfort in the touch of her soft skin. I sigh quietly and glance around the nearly empty cafe.

The Hallowed Grounds on Thursdays, specifically at three o'clock, are dead but the emptiness hits different knowing we are closing our doors next week Friday. There is an empty feeling that has settled over the comfy space. The lights don't sparkle as brightly and the sound of the espresso machine feels flat and off-beat. One person stands dutifully behind the counter but their eyes are glazed over with boredom and are left to stare into the void until stirred back into reality.

"That would be great," I reply quietly, "thank you. I guess I don't even know where to start looking. I don't think anywhere fits me like this place."

Her eyes are gentle with reassuring encouragement. "It will be okay, Fin. You're a hard worker, you will be hired quickly."

"But it's not just that..." I argue, feeling my face scrunch with frustration. "I know I sound spoiled, and I'm probably not handling this right, but I don't want to work just anywhere. I want to be happy in my job. I was happy here, and everything felt it was finally going right and now everything is changing again."

"You're upset, and that's okay, but know that being an adult means you have to do the difficult things." Mom smiles wryly, "It means suffering for a bit. Life is messy, Fin, and it never does what it wants you to."

I nod in resigned agreement. She has told me this before but it's difficult for me to accept. "How do you do it? How are you okay with that?"

Mom gazes up at the twinkling lights in the rafters, falling into brief thought. "I realized that you can do anything for a short period of time. It is easier to think of life as a series of steps instead of one goal. For example, when I was taking my nursing boards, you remember how stressed I was before that."

"I do," I reply, recalling the memory of her stress-baking in the strange hours of the night. "We ate well during that."

Mom giggles and rolls her eyes, "Yes, but the point of that story is to remind you of how I got through it. I told myself that I could do anything for a short amount of time. I could keep studying and soon, the boards would be over. Then I could move on with my life. It might feel like the end of the world, but bad things come and go and we adjust to it."

I heave a sigh and look down at my drink, forlorn. "So there's no way to avoid it?"

"Nope," she answers without hesitation.

I chuckle at her bluntness and cast her an odd look. "And that's okay?"

Mom smirks at my look and nods once. "Yep. And don't worry, Fin, you've got this. I know you can do this. You're a strong girl, and I know you can fit wherever you want to fit."

Her words warm my dreary spirit and bring a soft smile to my face. "Thanks for talking with me. I really needed to hear that today."

Mom offers me an empathetic look before picking up her tiny cup of espresso. She sips the edge, cautious not to burn her lips again, before taking a long drink. She sighs, content with the powerful flavor, and sets the cup back down. "No problem, Fin. I want to help you in any way I can. I know things can be difficult, but know that you aren't alone here."

It's comforting to know I can call my parents if I need help. Sometimes life can be difficult to handle on your own and you just need somebody to tell you it will be alright.