Dear Philza,
I'm not angry anymore. I'm sure you're surprised to be receiving a letter from me. And to be honest, I'm surprised to be writing this but Puffy said it's good to write out your feelings so here we are. I wouldn't be surprised if you decided to throw out this letter, I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't end up sending this letter, I wouldn't be surprised if you're reading this and not paying full attention to the words I write. It's not like you ever paid full attention to me. But I'm not angry anymore.
It's been a while since we've last spoken, we never did sit down and have a proper conversation since you joined the server. Since you killed one of my brothers. I guess that's my fault, I will admit that I've been avoiding talking to you. I was bitter, I was angry at Wilbur, at L'manburg, at Technoblade, at Dream, at you, at Schlatt, everyone. You probably didn't want to approach me because you never really cared about me because you saw how angry I was at you.
But I've been trying to get better. I really have but I keep going back to being angry. Like when I tried to stop Tubbo from exiling Tommy. His exile made me angry, I'm sure you heard the whispers about my reaction. I wanted to visit Tommy during exile but no one would tell me where he was, not when I was angry. Eventually, they told me, when I got better. Well not better, Puffy told me to stop using words like 'better' when I talk about not being angry anymore. She tells me it's okay to be angry and it's natural but it's hard to believe that when you always told me when I was younger I needed to stop being so angry and that people don't like angry people.
But I'm not angry anymore well sometimes I am. Tubbo told me he forgave me, and that he understands my anger was reasonable. It felt nice when he told me that why couldn't you ever tell me that. He invited me to live with him in Snowchester after L'manburg got blown up, so that's where I am now if you ever want to start being a father and visit me.
I don't think badly about you well sometimes I do. Did you know I started to learn guitar? Wilbur was teaching me about songwriting before his death, before Pogtopia, before he stopped acting like the brother I knew after L'manburg officially got their independence. He was teaching me how to write songs like him but we got busy. I finished a song by myself after you murdered him after he died.
This is so much harder than I thought it would be, I just want to scream at you and hate you. But I can't bring myself to be angry again, I don't want to be angry. Sometimes I wake up angry, sometimes I wake up like I feel nothing and sometimes I wake up crying for you. I'm just a kid, I'm a stupid little kid who needs their dad to guide them. But you never guided me, you never guided Tommy, you never guided Wilbur, you never guided anyone. Well except for Technoblade. But I can't be angry at Technoblade, he was nice to me in Pogtopia, maybe if I was an anarchist with him I would be in the tundra with him. Would you accept me if I was there? Would you listen to the songs I played, even if they were full of spite and anger about you? Would you get angry at me for being there? Are you angry about getting this letter right now?
Ranboo says that you're a nice guy, that you're taking care of him and helping him out it's strange how you can be a father to everyone but the people who are your kids.
I've been thinking of visiting the tundra, getting to know Technoblade some more. I'm not angry at him anymore, I know L'manburg had to go, the government had to go. They had gone too far with the Butcher Army, with putting you under house arrest did you hear about how I screamed at the cabinet and told them to let you out of house arrest? how they put me on house arrest because they didn't think I was stable? how I stayed with Tubbo and he let me cry on his shoulder as he also cried on mine? how we were like each other's parents at that moment? so I know that L'manburg wasn't the good place it claimed to be. But did it have to be blown up? Did you have to destroy my home? As you saw the rubble did you realize how it was you who took Wilbur's life, how it was Wilbur that took his own life? how by blowing up L'manburg and siding with Dream you were being just like Wilbur, maybe even worse because you didn't feel any remorse?
Could you let him know that I'm thinking of visiting and see if he's okay with it? Are you okay with me visiting? I don't want to intrude on anything or show up when you're busy although you always seem too busy for your kid.
Send me a reply when you can!
Love Sincerely,
Reader Minecraft
