Past few weeks I (thankfully & finally) had chance to work again with familiar faces I've been secretly dying to meet cause it's been a full month of not working. My April was shit, I felt like rubbish and this high-function anxiety bitch was not okay with the situation of not working AT ALL. I got zero project in the fourth month this year. It's suck for me personally, thinking the idea of being so fucking unproductive despite the situation force everyone, eventually.
The morning of the working day, I went with my producer together. We were sleepy cause the crew call started at 5AM but we had to pick up the assistant director first, so we both started at 4AM. During the car ride, the producer asked 'how's life, still hang in there?' and I smiled then replied 'here I am today, early call as always'. We both laughed and chit-chat a bit to kill the silence and keep each other company during the sleepy-chilly ride. Then this following event popped up and kinda triggered me to reflect on myself and my mind.
'How long has it been since your last project? Today is actually my first project call again after a month break of totally no project', the producer stated. We both shared the same lame April.
I told him that I actually has done a project earlier this May and his was the second project of mine for May. My April was totally the same with his. Zero. Somehow I feel it was me this whole time that constantly put pressure to make money and be guilty if there's no project call for a week break. It's not okay for my high-functioning anxious self and I have this urge to always listen and fed it with self-degrading motivation inside my head, when on the other side, there's someone also walks in the same shoe with me. It kinda feels nice and somewhat less guilty when I know I'm not alone in this situation, but still, I feel like crap and big failure when not working. Guess that feeling can't be cured then, I just have to maintain its portion and not let it consume me.
I'm still have to learn to be okay with the word 'unproductive', importantly of how I interpret it in non-toxic way. As nowadays said, 'it's okay to take break', 'it's not wrong to live slowly and go with the flow', 'it's okay to do nothing for period of time'. I'll try, wish me luck.
