Dear, Devil, I need a blank space to clear my current mind.
I just feel like writing what's been bugging my head that eventually affecting my mind & daily life. I feel like can't function properly as a professional-working corporate employee which I don't know if it's just my overthinking that overshadow 'everything's fine' situation or the reality that 'it's not okay' is actually true.
I feel unworthy of everything (call it Impostor syndrome, probably) & just genuinely feel stupid yet useless. My small initiative with the intention to help & assist what I can assist during the on-going project was somewhat not enough, wrong, and feel unnecessary, which probably trigger me to fall back to my 'anxious useless shitty human being' phase again. I honestly feel insecure & often question myself a lot more than before. Probably the other reason other than what I stated above is I simply fear failure & making mistake. It even triggered me to look for other jobs opportunity, then I stopped for a moment from scrolling & think to myself, 'Should I really give up & walk away from my current job or give myself another chance to soak in current situation with the hope of eventually the answer is this was all just a disguised-reality my overthinking-self creating'
I might raise my current state of mind to my manager, but I'm not sure it's the right call since I tend to create boundary for co-worker & it might seems unprofessional to whine & rant even though my manager do encourage me to do so. But I do consciously know that I live separate my professional-personal life & never get them mixed up, so it's naturally uncomfortable for me to share how I feel to others even though as my manager, he has the right to know. I'm still doubting about this.
In the end, Devil, I hope you hear my (hopefully just) overthink-insecure phase.
