The Affair

44. This is goodbye

ALEX'S POV 

I woke up with a blinding headache and no recollection of last night after our phone call. I remember going to the bar in pure anger to drink away the pain. The pain I felt for hurting her. I was a complete jerk! Now I've screwed it even more. 

I woke up next to a random women, which I can only assume ended, well, ended in a situation I never thought id find myself in. Never in a million years did I think I was capable of this. Of breaking this badly. This is the worst possible thing that could have happened. I cannot believe I made her feel the way Danny made me feel. I hate myself. I loath myself. I don't deserve her, not anymore. She deserves a great man. And thats not me. 

EARLIER THAT MORNING 

*KNOCK KNOCK*

I heard the door as I got out of the shower. I can't answer naked or in a towel. I quickly got some clothes on so I could run down and answer before someone else does and as I did, I could hear chatting. Oh god... Avery. 

'You're not Alex' I could hear her sweet voice as I ran out of the room pulling up my pants.

'Uhh no. Im Melanie. You are?' 

'Avery...' I yelled as I ran to the door 'Avery, I - you - Uhh' I didn't have words. I couldn't get anything out. 

'You bastard' I saw tears fill her eyes and my body freezes. I instantly felt cold. I felt yuck and disgusted. I can't believe I just looked her in the eyes after what I had done. 

'Avery please! Im sorry - Avery wait' I ran after her 'I fucked up Avery, I was so drunk and angry an-' I felt myself babbling, fast. My entire body shook uncontrollably. She sat in her car, looking blankly straight ahead. 'Please Avery, you don't ever have to forgive me, please! I love you! Im sorry!... AVERY!' I yelled through the window. I watched her drive off and it felt like a part of me had died. 

I've lost. 

______________________________

4  WEEKS LATER 

'You need to stop thinking about it, Aves. You need to take your mind off him' Maddie said as she sat on my bed. The bed I haven't left in weeks. 'Now you're not even talking?' 

'I need closure, I think' 

'And what does that mean' 

'I need to see him' Maddie laughed in shock

'Are you joking? Why would you want to see him! So you can relive it all over again?'

'No, I -... He hasn't called or anything apart from the one message he sent -'

'Yeah good! Adios, Cheater' 

'You don't get it... He has let me go.. He knows he doesn't deserve me, he said it himself. He has the respect to just let me be.. I think if I talk to him and try to understand why he did it, I would walk away with closure and no further care'

'Or.. You could walk un-away and right back into his dirty cheating arms. Not a good idea'

'Un-away isn't a word' 

'Don't do it, Aves. Its already over. He's let you go... Now you need to let go.. And move on' She gave me a tight hug 'I have to run but ill see you this weekend.. Love you pretty'

'Bye, love you' I said as she left. Maybe she's right. I should just let it go. If I talk to him, it will be like a step backwards. I opened the last text message he sent:

Avery,

In no way am I asking for forgiveness. I don't need a response. I don't deserve a text back. I just need you to know  before I say my goodbyes;

I love you and I always will. The hurt that I've caused you will haunt me everyday. I know this pain and I can never forgive myself for inflicting it on you. I never will. I never thought of myself as this man but here I am. Looking in the mirror will never be the same again. 

I also need to explain my behaviour the past few weeks... Being away from you was too hard, Avery, really hard. I had been trying to get another job back home, since you wouldn't leave. I was looking at houses out towards Brooneville because I know you love the large houses and the big blocks of land. That is why that wedding was so important, I was trying to impress the head of the department at your university. I am so sorry I have been so different but I couldn't tell you until I was certain it would happen the way I intended. I thought it would be us for the rest of our time. I guess I ruined something pretty great. Not to mention things with the kids has been difficult. I feel like I'm failing as a father and provider, but that isn't an excuse. Its more so stress and weight on my shoulders. 

As for the stupid mistake. I had gotten so angry and upset, I found myself at the local bar... I don't remember much else after that. That doesn't make it okay but just know I had never done this before. Ever. Alcohol should never excuse behaviour and I will advocate that, but it wasn't me that night. I don't know who that was. I don't know who I am now. 

I don't plan on harassing you so I just have to let you go. Please go on and live the life you've been wanting. I am so proud of the women you have become and the future is so bright for you. I hope one day, you can think of me and say that you forgive me. I am always a phone call away. From this now, this is goodbye. I love you, always and forever. 

I have read this text about 7 times and its still as difficult as the first time. I don't know if I should believe it or not. I don't think I can trust him. But I know him and I know he's hurting for what he did. Does that mean I should give him a chance? At least to talk? Everything is just so overwhelming. I wish none of this shit happened! I wish mum was here. 

Dear Diary,

The anger has now completely cleared but the hurt is still there. More so about the fact I am single again. That Ill never get to hold him again or kiss him again. I have tried to be strong but every time I think about something that remotely reminds me of him and us just takes me down.  Mum would know what to do. I don't even know what her advice would be, really. She was always a tough women and never let a man run her life. She held her head high through everything. I have to do the same. But it is so hard when your heart and mind work against each other. 

Do you know what its like? To have your heart pull you in one direction but your mind is like a ball and chain. It sucks. And almost all the time, the heart wins. Even though in your mind you know its wrong, the heart always wins.