Scars Upon Stars

Painkiller

** A/N: GUESS WHAT!?  It's been 6 months since I uploaded the last chapter, and I don't want to wait any longer. Also, I needed a second surgery on my finger, so that was fun. I know you don't care about my personal life, but I want to explain why I'm even continuing this story. Okay, so in early November, my un-biological big brother passed away in a Carbon Monoxide accident, and not long before that, the only father figure I had in my life was arrested and put in jail, so I'm not allowed to see him. Let me explain something, I hadn't seen him in a while, and the last thing I said to him was "Leave me alone," that kind of sucks; but a mutual friend of ours would always talk about me to each other, which I didn't know until after the passing. Turns out, the last thing he said about me was that he'd never leave me alone. Well, you can imagine how shitty I felt. At the end of November, I went to Megafest: Part 2, and met both Telle Smith and Garret Rapp. Let's make something clear here, I listened to the Hold On Pain Ends album on repeat after my brother's death, so meeting Garret was surreal as fuck. All I could do was cry, and all he did was hug me, and tell me things would get better. He told me I didn't even have to say anything, that he understood, and I don't think I've ever felt so safe in my entire life. He ended up giving me a free poster and he signed it. I thought it was just an autograph until the end of the concert, but when I looked at it, were the words 'Chin up, you're never alone'. So, I spent a century sobbing uncontrollably. Also, I got a boyfriend in October, so keep in mind he knew about all that shit and he was there during November, and he knew that I didn't always want to talk, and I was majorly depressed; in December he broke up with me, basically saying that I didn't pay attention to his needs, and quote "You put more scars on my wrist than you did stop them," end quote. I'm almost completely sure that any moron could tell that I was so emotionally damaged during that point, that it was hard for me to get out of bed to even go to the bathroom, much less keep up a healthy relationship, and during that time one of my best friend's wouldn't talk to me, so I was basically drowing in sorrow, yet I managed to stay clean. So, I gradually started to move on, I was getting a lot better until January. I found out that an internet friend I'd known for 11 months was fake. Keep in mind, this person was the first person I was ever sure I loved. I found out the person I'd loved didn't even exist. That sent me over the edge, I relapsed after about 4-5 months. Then, I hated myself even more for messing that up, so that made them worse, and then I started to feel guilty for not relapsing when the death or arrest occurred, and that made it even worse. A couple days after that I was so sick that I couldn't stand without blacking out. My mom wanted to take me to the hospital, and I knew they'd want to stick and IV in me to make sure I was getting nutrients, so that scared me shitless, and I eventually convinced her to keep me home, and that I'd get better on my own. & the last month has basically just been me trying to recover from everything. I got upped on a few meds, I started new meds, hell I have A PRESCRIPTION LAMP. I was doing okay until a few days ago, when I started getting heavily depressed again, but I got better on my own. I'm 99% sure that it's because I had so many English assignments, and writing is one of my favourite emotional outlets, so to end this terribly long story, this is why I'm going to continue writing this story; it's keeping stable, and it brings me so much joy to know that me keeping myself better, can also bring entertainment and happiness to other people. 

OH MY GOD, BLESS YOU IF YOU MADE IT TO THE END OF THAT. I know you didn't read this to hear about my personal life, but I needed to get all of that out. So even if none of you read that, I feel so much better to have that out. Holy shit, that was 736 words of pure venting. Seriously, if you read all of that, comment the word's 'Hold On Pain Ends' in the comments, I'll thank you a million times, and you'll get a permanent shout-out on my profile, and dedicate a chapter to you. With all of that out there, I'm going to start this chapter now, thank you guys.

P.S. HOLY FUCKING BALLS OF SATAN WE PASSED 4K READS. I love you guys, thank you for supporting this story. I know this is only Chapter Five, and the other chapters are fairly short, but you guys read it anyway. & I would love if you guys inboxed me ideas, or commented what you like most/dislike the most. Anything I can do to make the reading experience as best as possible for you lovely kittens, or y'know puppies if you aren't cat people.