Fanboy (Albedo X Sucrose)

10

TRIGGER WARNING
THIS CHAPTER TOUCHES TOPICS RELATED TO E*TING DIS*RDERS, D*PRESSION AND B*DY-SH*MING
PLEASE, SKIP THIS CHAPTER OR READ WITH CAUTION
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“My biggest dream? Well, now you're asking me, my biggest dream is creating a Wonderland. Where people feel comfortable and understood. I want people to feel safe next to me, I want to be happy forever”

My words had always given me the courage to keep going. I did not know how or what I would do a wonderland with, but my dream was always that.

The truth is that I did not know that I was passionate about. Everything was nice, and everything made me curious. But they say curiosity killed the cat, and I was no exception.

I was a student without the desire to fall in love, which only goal was being happy forever. But how Am I going to be happy forever? What makes me happy? Time and Situations made me realize my happiness was the music. Music connects people, and I strongly believe in it.

My first training sessions were tough because I didn't have the potential yet. But he inspired me, finding him motivated me to keep going. I had to go on, otherwise how would I find again the man who saved my life?

Kaeya, since we met we became a brother and his little sister. He was three years older than me, but he was just a rookie, and I was a Trainee. I was 12 at the time.

Several times they told me that I was very fat. Was I fat? Can I really consider myself fat? I weighed 52 kilos, I wasn't heavy at all at my age. But the coaches were strict, and I became strict with myself.

For a long time I was known in my family for "eating and not getting fat", and I used to eat lots of food, and I was okay with that. But since I started my training, I realized that I was wrong. I started to barely have a dinner, and my weight went down.

Kaeya was so worried about me. He wanted me to eat, but I didn't want to. I looked at myself in the mirror, and saw the scarcely slices that sprouted from my ribs. I always thought I was slim and the ideal weight, but from one moment to the next, I was a horrible being. I was two kilos overweight, and my coach punished me for that. Can you believe the suffering I went through for two years?

And I lost ten kilos as my age increased. I was 40 kilos at 15 years old. And still, I kept seeing myself getting fat.

Kaeya got fed up with me, and decided to feed me and basically adopt me as a sister. One day I passed out in the middle of rehearsal. I guess that's normal? I was hospitalized for two days, I was lacking vitamins, I was lacking fat. I could see my bones without having move my shoulders. My bones were there, and I stopped wearing sleeveless tops for a long time. I still do, cause you still see those bones.

During those two days in the hospital, Kaeya was the only one who visited me, as was Noelle, my best friend at the time. They both brought me nutritious food, but I didn't want to eat. My passion was in music, and right there was my death. Everything is to have a personal bodyguard and not fall into the clutches of a bad man again.

—“Sucrose, please have some dinner today, you're gonna pass out again if you don't” —Kaeya approached a fork with chicken salad trapped in the claws to my mouth.

I shook my head. I had no breath to eat. I had a life to live, but honestly at that moment I wanted to leave this world. Then Kaeya's words gave me a slap to reality.

—“So that blonde guy just gave his life for giving you a second chance to be happy, and you're giving up so easily?” —He said to me.

And he was right. That blonde guy risked his own self just to save me. That day I felt like I was going to die, but he taught me that angels exist, and they don't necessarily have wings.

Feeding me in my mouth, Kaeya placed pieces of lettuce and tomato in my mouth and I, still in pain, bit. My health improved a lot, and I decided that I too should improve as a person. Barbatos, wherever you are, thank you for letting me live one more time.

And I felt that the Sucrose I was seeing was no longer me. I needed to make a change in myself to mark a new stage.

—“Noelle, please dye my hair” —I asked to her.

And the next day I would have left my hair brown and had a blonde color. But the blonde reminded me of him, and I didn't feel happy. So I tried royal blue, and I was happy with it, until they announced, after six years, that I was finally going to make my debut as a group along with Barbara, Amber and Noelle.

—“Your hair is very striking, and you are not the visual of the group. Don't forget that fat women can't be visual” — our coach would tell me when he saw me. my position in the group was dancer and sub-vocal, I had low roles due to my appearance.

So I dyed myself again, but I didn't know what color to do it. I asked Noelle and she answered me sweetly.

—“Mint... like the mint jelly...” —She said. —“Mint jelly doesn't look tasty or good, but when you already get to know it, you will not regret”

To Noelle, I was like mint jelly. I wanted them to know who Sucrose really was. I wanted people to feel safe seeing me, I wanted to be their idol. That is my wonderland, where people know that their idol is human and they feel identified with me.

I became beautiful. I felt beautiful, because for someone I was something important. So what if I'm a mint jelly? Then I'll be someone's favorite mint jelly, and I'm happy. My roles changed, and I became the main dancer as well as the visual of the group. When I was confident of myself, everything was better.

And life allowed me to look straight ahead and see many people happy to see me, singing my songs. Looking forward to seeing me win many awards.

But I forgot to turn back. I forgot to turn to my past that haunts me and will not let go of me until I let go of the rope of life.

“Sucrose...!” —I hear a scream while I'm about to pass out. —“Run...”

Sucrose, Run...

But I didn't run.