Cacophony

28: n e v e r f a r a w a y

I've got every single kind of love that you could ever need. Dying here on bended knees.

July 21, 1991

Chris sighed deeply, resisting the urge to reach out and twirl one of the wild blonde curls that were spilled across his pillow between his fingers. Sydney lay sleeping, her arms stretched above her head and her bare breasts exposed beautifully before him in the morning sun. The intensity of the love he felt for her was almost overwhelming, and he knew in his gut that he would always love her. Of the billions of humans walking this Earth, he was lucky enough to find the most perfect one. He wanted to marry her so bad... he had thought about it since the day he met her. She was so much more than just his girlfriend... his soulmate, his best friend, his family.
  When the word family crossed his mind, his thoughts started spinning out of control. Thinking about having babies with Sydney sent a flutter of happiness and joy through his heart, swelling inside his chest so big he suddenly felt like he could run a marathon. He wasn't sure how he was going to do it, but he had to show Sydney that she could trust him.
  She had shot down his many proposals a thousand times. It had started as a joke, sure. Now, however, he wanted more than anything to share that life with her. He thought back on the time she had told him that she had never seen herself as a mother, and he wondered if she felt the same way now. Unable to hold still a moment longer, he knew who he might ask for advice. Untangling his legs carefully from hers, he sprinted downstairs to make a pot of coffee and a quick omelette for Sydney. He scribbled a note for her, left her breakfast covered on a back burner to stay warm, and locked the front door behind him as he got in his car. 
  He had called his old friend and former drummer for Soundgarden, Scott Sundquist, before he left to make sure he was awake. Scott was the only friend of his that was married and had a family. Scott's family had played a huge part in his decision to leave the band. He had met Sydney on quite a few occasions since they had all remained friends, so Chris hoped that maybe he had some useful advice to give.
  When he pulled up to Scott's two story home located about twenty minutes South of the city, he parked his car and knocked on the front door. Scott appeared shortly, welcoming Chris into the kitchen and offering him a cup of coffee. His three kids were still finishing their breakfast, noisily so. Chris watched them as he and Scott caught up a little. He smiled to himself when the youngest fed the last of his scrambled eggs to the family dog under the table while Scott was preoccupied with washing the few dishes that were piling up in the sink. When his wife, Amanda, came in with a basket full of laundry, she greeted Chris with a kind but exhausted smile.
  After awhile she sent the kids outside to play, and the sounds of their screaming laughter could be heard through the open windows as the three of them talked. They largely talked about Soundgarden, and Chris saw a wisp of wishful thinking pass over Scott's eyes. In that moment he recognized the irony that part of Scott wanted the life Chris had, while Chris wanted part of the life Scott had.
"You gonna tell me the real reason you came over this early in the day, or are we just going to small talk all morning?" Scott asked eventually with a knowing smile.
  Chris smiled and looked down at his coffee mug for a moment, trying to find the right words. He felt kind of dumb now that he was here, but it didn't really matter. He had known Scott for years.
"Alright... do you remember Sydney Lee? Our sound tech?"
"Yeah, she's been with you guys for quite some time. You guys are dating now, right?"
"Yeah, for over a year now."
"That's great man."
"Thanks. I want to ask her to marry me."
  There was a stunned silence as Scott and his wife looked at one another. They both knew that marriage was a big step, and they also didn't know Chris and Sydney well enough as a couple to know what to think.
"Is there something stopping you?" Scott asked.
"No, I mean... maybe. I've asked her to marry me probably over a hundred times."
"You have?" Amanda asked, raising her eyebrows.
"Yeah, she keeps saying she doesn't believe in marriage. She always shrugged it off as a joke... and I get why. I asked her to marry me on the day we met."
"You did?!"
"Yep."
"You were dating Susan back then." Scott pointed out.
"I know. It wasn't my proudest moment... but I don't regret it. I always knew there was something different about her. She's my person, you know? Every day I can't wait to be alone with her to tell her about all the stupid shit that happened that day, even if she was with me the whole time. I think about her constantly, even when she's right next to me. It's been that way every day for three years."
  The married couple was silent for a few seconds, unsure of what to say. Finally Amanda spoke up.
"So it was a joke when you first asked her... but what about when you ask her now? Does she still shrug you off now that you're being serious?"
"Well, yeah. But in her defense I don't think she realizes it's not a joke. I know that she has her issues about marriage because of her own parents, so I don't ever try to pressure her into it."
"So you're saying you've never actually asked her to marry you? Like for real?" Scott asked.
  It was Chris's turn to pause in surprise this time. Now that he thought about it, he felt even more dumb. He never had seriously proposed to her. Suddenly it all made sense... if he wanted a serious answer, then he had to actually ask her properly. How else was she supposed to know that he meant it?
  With renewed excitement, he stood from his seat at the kitchen island and checked the time on the clock on the wall.
"Jewelry stores should be open by now right?" He asked.
"Woah, wait a minute." Amanda said, drawing his attention. "If she doesn't want to get married because of her parents then there's a lot more you have to consider before going and getting an engagement ring, Chris. She needs to know that you guys won't end up like them."
"Or your parents." Scott added.
"Oh." He deflated, sitting back down. "How do I do that?"
"That's not for us to answer. You know her better than anyone else. I think you need to really sit down and talk with her about her fears and the future that she wants." Amanda explained gently.
"You also have to keep in mind what your lifestyle is like. You guys tour so often that you'll never get time alone. And what about kids? If kids are in your future plans, you'll have to figure out what that would look like since you both go out on the road. I'm sure that having a screaming kid on a months-long tour around the world is damn near impossible. Is she willing to give up what she does to stay home and raise your kids while you're away for months at a time?"
  Chris's heart sank as he thought about it. He hadn't ever thought about the fact that having kids with Sydney might mean that she had to give up the career she had worked so hard at, a career doing what she loved. He certainly couldn't imagine touring without her.
"Don't look so disappointed, man. I'm sure that with some serious communication, you guys will figure out what's best for you both." Scott assured.
  When Chris left their house a little while later, he was conflicted. He still wanted marriage and a family with Sydney someday, but the fear of her resenting him later on for asking her to give up her own dreams to raise a family ate at him. Twenty minutes of aimless driving later, he found himself parked outside of a jewelery store and wrestling with his own thoughts.
  He was thankful that he went to Scott's house because of the insight that they provided to him. He also wished that there was a way for him to make it all work out so that they were both happy in the years to come. Would he be okay with it if she ultimately decided that marriage and kids were out of the question? Would he be able to walk away from her if they decided that they wanted different things? He didn't have much longer to sit and think about it before a familiar face emerged from the jewelers.
"Mom?" He called, opening his door and standing up so that she could see him.
  His mother turned, her face blooming in to a smile as she recognized her son standing beside his car.
"Chris! What are you doing here?"
"I was just, uh, running errands." He lied as she walked over to hug him. "What are you doing here?"
"Oh, getting the battery replaced in my watch. It's been out for over a week. What errands do you have to run here?"
  He paused, grasping for excuses for a moment before he realized it was no use. She was his mother, and although they had a complicated relationship sometimes, she usually knew when he was lying.
"I'm just having one of those moments where I know what I want but I just don't know how to get there." He confessed, hugging her.
"You've had moments like that ever since you were a little boy." She chuckled, pulling away and looking up at him. "What's on your mind, son?"
  Fifteen minutes later, they were both sitting on the hood of his car deep in conversation. Chris had told her almost everything. His fears, Sydney's fears, the way he had felt about her for as long as he'd known her. He told her about Adam, and the full extent of the damage that he had done to the woman he wanted to marry. He told her about Sydney's parents, and how she'd nearly cried that night when she had fixed Karen's oven and Karen had given her the first mom-hug she'd ever had. His mom was mostly quiet, listening to her son in a way that only a mother could. Finally, she reached out and took one of his hands in hers.
"Do you want to know one of the things I love most about you?" She asked.
"What?"
"You always find a way to make your dreams come true. I know that this journey with Sydney hasn't always been an easy one and neither has your journey with making your music into a career. But I know for a fact that you guys have a rare thing that most of us common people only dream about."
"Mom." He groaned, rolling his eyes.
"I'm not trying to be sentimental... I'm telling the truth. I saw the way you looked at her that first night in my kitchen, Christopher John. A genuine connection like that doesn't happen for everyone even once, let alone twice. Now, you've always found a way to make things happen for you. Even when you were a little boy, your stubborn ass always found a way to have your cake and eat it too. I have no doubt in my mind that if marrying that young woman and having a family with her is what you both truly want, then you will find a way to make it work for both of you. She's a tough girl and I think that, if you both play your cards right, you guys will end up okay."
"You really think so?" He asked hopefully.
"I really, honestly do. Call it a mother's intuition."
  Chris thought for a few moments, feeling better than he had when he'd left Scott's house. He hadn't expected it, but his mother had reignited that spark he needed. Only now, he also had the wisdom from Scott and his wife to carry along with him. His mind was now set, and all he could do was hope for the best.
"You want to come back in and help me pick out a ring?" He asked his mom, watching the excitement twinkle in her eyes.
"You bet I do."