𝐍𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐄𝐒, carl grimes

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EPILOGUE,
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"  a heart's a heavy burden  "

- howl's moving castle

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Ella,

No words can describe how sorry I am. Never in a million years did I ever want to hurt you, but I know I am now, I have to. You're not a stranger to this feeling, and I am so sorry.

Please, don't be mad at Siddiq. I doubt you will, though. You're not that kind of person to get angry easily. If you are though, be mad at me. My Dad told me to leave him be, but I just couldn't leave him out there, when we were right there. I would have wanted someone to do the same for me, or for you. My Mom told me once to be good, and I never really kept my promise to her. Not until now. I would rather die doing something good than bad.

Siddiq told me this, "My mercy prevails over my wrath", and I couldn't help but think of you. I think you two will get along great. Ever since I have known you, I wanted to be like you. I think that is why I avoided you, at the prison. You are so good, and I wasn't. Wrath doesn't even exist in your mind. That's precious to me, and ever since I met you, I have tried to understand that thinking. Meeting Siddiq though, he helped me get it. Being kind is not that hard, and you know that better than anyone.

Right now, you're asleep next to me. You always mumble in your sleep, but right now, you're quiet. You don't seem to be having any sort of nightmare at all. I've never told you how rare that is. I wake up a lot, to you crying with your eyes closed, or mumbled screams that last for hours. But, now you're quiet. It has always hurt that all I can do is stand by and watch.

I wish I could take your nightmares away, but I know that's impossible. I just have always hoped you never remember the ones that come in your sleep. I've never been brave enough to ask.