𝐍𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐄𝐒, carl grimes

authors note.

    — hello ! ♡

I would like to start this out by crediting the wonderful neverclear once again, she helped me get the inspiration and gave me the idea for the epilogue of this book, and the whole flower inside the bible idea! as well as what psalm I would use. I cannot thank her enough for being one of the many who helped me write this. Her book and writing ideas absolutely amazing, and what inspired me to start writing in the first place! She is an amazing soul and I could not recommend her more!!

I also feel like I should follow up with saying the last thing I want to do is romanticize something like suicide or declining mental health. I simply wanted to make a story that felt realistic to me, a character that could not recover from the world around them. I feel like the main show never did really touch up on the aspects of mental health as much as it should have. Even just looking at COVID and seeing how it made so many people depressed says a lot about what an apocalypse scenario would do.

I absolutely hate when people write suicide for romance, not when it's done poorly. I have experienced my own fair share of mental health troubles, as well as having a Dad who ended up taking his own life. I hate how social media portrays suicide so poorly, as someone who can understand the profound impact it has. It is not a pretty and glamorous thing. It is a tragedy that changes the life of hundreds, similar to all other death. If you need anything, ANY help at all, please reach out to someone! I will always be here to help support you all, as you all have supported me through these past several years! <3

Writing Ella has helped me a lot. Even though she remains to be just a figment of my imagination, I understsnd her like she is a real person ( which sounds rlly funny LMAO ). Her story is raw, which has always been my intention. She is someone who I feel like we can all relate to, or have related to, at some point in our lives. That's why I don't regret ending this story, like I did — because, her ending is the one we all managed to avoid, and contain the strength to avoid, on a day to day basis. I wanted Ella to be someone we all can admire, for trying so hard to be strong, despite her struggles. :)

I want your honest opinion tho: was this a bad ending?

Personally, I may be biased, but I cannot imagine another ending for Ella. My initial goal into writing this story was to make an oc that spirals downhill rather than developing into a strong character. That may be bad writing on my end.. but oh well😭I do wish I could tweak some aspects of it but i'm not sure if I ever will. I wrote Ella at her lowest times in some of the lowest times of my life, I feel as though to accurately describe her pain there was no other way to do so. Another reason why the final chapter was so painfully difficult, I have gotten a lot better mentally💀

I would like to imagine Ella having a good ending, but I never planned on writing a relationship between her and Carl that was healthy and would ever end in a healthy way. They were toxic from the moment carl started liking because he saw her cry, so.. toxic, as in they are so, soooo co-dependent. part of me regrets knowing that some parts of the story may be interpreted as a cringy "oh i'm so depressed woes me" type of fanfic, but I tried my absolute hardest for it not to be. I wanted to write suicide and mental health in a way that reminded people of the tragedy of romeo and juliet, not the "i'm in middle school" edgy stuff that gets posted on snapchat. there was never a character on the show that was sick and never got better, at least not a main one, and I wanted to write one. I don't think we have ever had a main character that goes through episodes of depression and never recovers — I mean, like even if ella wanted to get better, she physically COULDNT. that's why I added her disease, to add more of a helpless aspect to her character.

At the end of the day Ella was cursed from the beginning being blonde AND one of Carol's adopted kids soooo..

It feels so unreal to me that a story I started making in 2020 had lasted this long. My life has changed so much it's actually insane. I started writing this when I was 16, when I was going in my Junior year of high school, and I just now finished my freshmen year of nursing school. Absolutely INSANE. If any of y'all go to the University of Cincinnati hit me up 🤠

I have so many random ideas just packed into this book that I hope it makes sense. I began starting off on the idea that lizzie and mika never got enough credit for how good their characters were and BAM i'm here ( seriously tho.. I could go on about them for hours ). I am just so thankful for all of you for reading through my 10,000 word rambles of characters that will never exist LMAO. I really do appreciate you all, I cannot begin to describe how happy my whole wattpad life has made me. I have made so many amazing friends and read such wonderful works of art, it truly is one of the best things and experiences of my whole life!! That sounds so sad but you all know what I mean </3

It's kinda crazy how much I enjoyed writing Ella's story. She feels like a real person in my mind and that's kinda depressing but at least I never gave up on her💀Whatever works

In regards to her "disease" I added that in to make her entire character just seem more pitiful, with an illness or SOMETHING that never left with their old world that they can't fix. In my opinion it also adds to her choice in the last chapter to make it seem more realistic, if that makes sense? If any of you have seen the anime "Your Lie in April" that's where I got it from 😭😭anime phase really did help me down the line

In that show the main characters disease is also a mystery, but it is suspected to be Friedreich's Ataxia. I never wanted to confirm anything just based off my own limited medical knowledge and dependence on google for information lol

This has been such a long journey for me. Currently, I am in nursing school, working as an STNA, as well as working as a phlebotomist in the lab of a local hospital. I also have a boyfriend and friends who I spend any of my free time with😭😭The older I get life really does get so busy. I just know though if I never edit this story in the way I picture it in my brain everything will feel sooo wrong. I just have no idea when that will happen !

If you guys couldn't tell, I love to ramble. I can't shut up.

I guess that is all I have for you guys, for now! I will definitely post updates on my life/this story on my announcement board, as well as my socials! I love trying to make terrible edits so I shall keep you all updated with that mess ❤️
here are my @ 's!
tiktok: rosyskiez.wp
ig: rosyskiez.wp
++ my personal insta's if you guys wanna? idek
@/ emmyr0s3
@/ goodwilmascots
snapchat?: emirosie

I'm out of high school so I could honestly care less who finds out I write fanfiction. I'd like to say that leaving high school is so freeing, as someone who was severely depressed in high school it gets better FOR SURE. Such a random thing to say but I know it felt like for a long time I would be miserable. Just telling you all to stay strong, life tends to work itself out just as you were meant to live <3 You all are loved so, SO much!! By so many people you wouldn't have even have an accurate idea how many!!

I also feel like I should list some recommendations for some fanfictions if you all need another one after this one!! As well as some good books!

I wanted to recommend The Virgin Suicides by Jeffery Eugenides, my absolute favorite book in the world and the best inspiration for this fanfic

Here are some AMAZING fanfics tho!! I'm sure there are a lot of more amazing one's too, these are just some I can think of from the top of my head!
Who We Are series by -lifewasawillow
Extinction Event & The Warmth of a Night Survived by disturbedia
All the Lovely Bad Ones by neverclear
Strangers by ncsari
Meghan & The Long Run by Casey_Rivers
Cold Hands by wheredidmysoulrunoff
The Race Against Humanity by angelbabiejoeyy
Alone by MayGarner

& literally EVERYTHING by mourningveil

Again, I am so thankful for all of you. I hope Ella and Carl will live in a special part of your memory for some time, and you will always think of their story when hearing look at the flowers <3

I love you all! So much!!!❤️

- emily!