Broken (AU Calum Hood Fanfiction)

LXVI

Jackie's POV:

I already hear the embers of conversation as I take a step away from Calum and Joy.

I want to stay by his side. To hold his hand and run my thumb over his knuckles in hopes that it slows his racing pulse while he talks with his mom. But I know he has to do this alone. That he needs to say things that can't be said in the presence of others. Not necessarily because those things are secrets, but because they're so painfully important that the idea of articulating those things is scary enough to prevent you from saying them at all. I had a lot of those things to say to my dad. But I didn't. And I regret it. So I'll give him space to say what needs to be said.

I gravitate toward the coffee pot in hopes that caffeine will lift my heavy eyelids and sharpen my sleep-deprived mind. Just as the familiar scent of coffee beans hits my nose Calum's dad fabricates in the doorway.

He looks tired, too. And the room just feels dark and heavy. And the air just feels depressing. And it all just hurts so damn much.

"Hi." I mutter, folding my arms over my chest in an attempt at holding myself together when all I really want to do is collapse in a heap onto the tile underneath my chuck taylors. To hold my knees to my chest and curse God as the tears run down my face and the air leaves my lungs. To forget about it all.

"Hi, love." he smiles warily and I see Calum in his features.

"Um, how - how are you?" I ask, fumbling over my words slightly as I pull a coffee cup down from the cabinet. It occurs to me that this is about as much of a conversation as I've ever held with David. We've only ever communicated in Calum's presence, only topical subjects, only nice things. But it feels like there's nothing nice or topical to say at this point.

"Mm." he mutters, setting his jaw and without words I understand what he's telling me.

"It's bad, isn't it?" I ask, without thinking, my eyes trained on the liquid in my cup. I know the answer to that question. I don't know why I asked. But I know that I shouldn't have. And I wish I could take it back but I can't. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said tha - " I start but he cuts me off.

"It's bad." he answers and I still don't look up because it feels cruel to look at him right now. This entire situation feels cruel.

"I'm sorry." I breathe again, rubbing new tears away from my face with a vengeance. I'd like to think that I wouldn't have cried in front of Calum's dad if I'd had a full night of sleep. That I wouldn't break down in front of him if I wasn't worn down from sleep-deprivation. But in all honesty it's not physical exhaustion that's corroding me like this. A solid twelve hours of sleep wouldn't have prevented this. Because this isn't tiredness. It's fear. Fear for Calum. Because I've been through what he's about to go through for the first time. I've lost people. I've hurt in ways that I never thought imaginable until I felt them. And the thought that he's about to go through that absolutely terrifies me.

"How's Cal?" he asks, concern lacing his eyes.

"Last night was tough." I tell him the truth, "Really tough." I glance up to see him wincing at that and I try to backtrack with "But it's to be expected, I guess."

"Yeah." he inhales deeply, walking over to pour himself a cup of the newly brewed coffee. "But you're doing a good job." he tells me and somehow my chest tightens even more than before.

"What?" I croak out, setting my drink onto the counter. The sound of the cup hitting the granite reverberates in the otherwise quiet room.

"With Cal. You're doing good. I know it's hard. And it's going to get harder for all of us as time goes on. But I appreciate what you're doing for him." he nods and I realize that I haven't wiped my cheeks for a few seconds, tears running freely now, mouth agape at David's completely unexpected kind words.