Broken (AU Calum Hood Fanfiction)

XLV

Jackie's POV:

We're just sitting on the swings now. Not moving with purpose, just swaying. I watch leaves scuttle across the grass from the wind and I wonder if the breeze is what's causing our bodies to sway or if it's actually us.

I pick my feet up and wait to see. My body stops swaying.

For probably the millionth time I'm reminded that life does you no favors. That you are responsible for you. That you are responsible for getting yourself through life. Everyone else just plays a role in that responsibility, positive or negative.

"Remember when you used to hang upside down from the monkey bars?" Ashton whispers, looking over to the painted metal bars with narrowed eyes.

"Remember that one time I fell on my head?" I laugh.

"Yeah. Scared the hell out of me." he breathes with a scoff.

"That was the last time I ever did it."

I was sore for at least a week after that. Nobody other than Ashton noticed, though. I was good at hiding bruises. Good at hiding pain. But Ashton always knew better. Even if he didn't see anything happen, he could always tell when something was wrong. He still can.

I stand and walk over to the contraption that almost broke my neck a couple years ago. I climb the short ladder to the top quickly and take a breath when I get to the top. I breathe in the cool, crisp fall weather. I breathe in the moist ocean air that's present year round on the coast of California. I try to breathe in this moment.

"Don't break your skull." Ashton jokes, following me to stand at the side.

"I'll try my best." I giggle, hooking my legs around the bar and letting my body fall only to be caught by my bent knees. There's a second of panic, a rush of falling that occurs during that flip. I used to love that feeling. I squeal and Ashton's hands find my shoulders to steady me.

"Thanks." I laugh, feeling the blood rush to my head, "Do you realize how immature we're being right now?" I say and quiet laughter spills from my mouth without warrant.

"Yes, but do you realize how mature we have to be every other day of our lives?" he counters and my laughter seizes.

"You're right." I say, letting my arms drop so that they almost touch the wood chips beneath me.

Gravity causes my shirt to shift slightly so that the waistband of my jeans is exposed. And my tattoo. I hear him chuckle and feel his index finger lightly poke the inked letters.

"You were really wasted that night." he says, and I think back to the night that I got it last year. I was beyond drunk. I was beyond angry at the world. I was beyond the idea of being careful and cautious in life. So I got my sister's initials to remind me how temporary the whole thing is. To remind me not to waste time on the petty things in life. To remind me that happiness is something that I can never quit working towards. To remind me that unhappiness is something that I can never quit avoiding and fleeing from. To remind me that everyone and everything is so damn temporary. Even the tattoo itself. Once I'm gone it's gone. Temporary. Permanent only to me.

"But I knew what I was doing." I say and realize that those words are probably applicable to him and everything that he did and said last night as well.

"Yeah." he murmurs, shaking his head slightly.

"I'm getting dizzy." I say. I lock my wrists and let my knees straighten, sliding from the bar. "Shit." I laugh out, as that second of panic runs through me again. This rush of panic was justified - my elbow's buckled. When my head's inches above the ground I feel Ashton's arm lock around my hips.