Drunk words are sober thoughts

Hate

"Squad Leader Hanji! It's been hours, where's Captain Levi?" I ask Squad Leader, feeling worried. "He's still at Erwin's grave." She reply's quietly, not looking up from where she's sitting on the wall. Hours ago we went to the basement of what used to be my home, now reduced to rubble, and found out the secret behind the titans. "Oh, okay. When will he be back?" I ask questioningly, yet sympathetic, trying to covey to her that I'm not rushing both her or Capitan Levi. "It's if," She says, a sliver of emotion in her voice, "If, he'll be back."

My heart stops at those words, "...What?" I ask quietly. "Levi just lost Erwin and I'm to useless to comfort him, what else to you expect?" She says, her words being followed by a broken, emotionless laugh just a second after. "Your not useless Squad-" My words are cut off when she looks up at me.

 I see her frown, her eyepatch, the tired and devastated look on her face, and while it worry's me, I understand why. She lost two of her closest friends and comrades, now she might lose another one, but what breaks me are her eyes. Her eyes, once tired, yet filled with joy, strength, and a friendly, caring look, as if I'm a trustful human and not a titan and threat, when she looks at me, is now replaced by a cold, hateful, harsh, distrustful look. It reminds me of people on the street whenever the scouts go out. They look at me like I'm a threat, a titan, a monster. Yet, she, nor anyone else in the scouts looked at me like that. If it was any of my other friends, I would be hurt, and heartbroken, but this specific look, from Hanji? It hurts. 

She was the first one to not flinch away when I touch her, to touch me willingly, whether it was during an experiment or when hugging me, or giving me head pats. She didn't back away and look uncomfortable when I got to close to her. She even got mad when she saw the leaks in the roof of the dungeon, my thin, old, hole filled blanket, and hard almost rotting, mattress and bed frame. She always understood and cared for me. No one else had ever looked at me and treated me like that after they found out I was a titan, not even Armin or Mikasa. Seeing that harsh and hating look on her face devastated me, it took all my will power not to collapse, to cry, or to look away or shake. It took all my willpower to not look away from the hateful gaze coming from someone who had become a mother figure, and family to me.

She looks back down, not saying a word. The sun has set my now, everyone's asleep, gaining energy after the long, hard, and devastating battle. Everyone but me, and the two people I care about most.

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I love him. It's something I had already come to terms with. That shitty brat had captured my heart but just like that he shattered it into a million pieces. I'm sitting at Erwin's grave, remembering all the fun times we had together. 'I'll never see those bushy eyebrows of those ever again.' I think. My mind drifts to a memory we had together, a think it was about a year or two ago. It was late at night and him and I, along with Hanji, were drinking together. We were all tipsy, and some how, I can't remember how, the conversation topic suddenly became about Erwin's eyebrows. As a joke, I said something like "You know eyebrows, if you don't like the nickname then you should shave you eyebrows." After that he looked scandalized, as if I just killed his dog or some shit. He started going on and on for a long time about how his eyebrows are his pride and joy. Hanji, being the psycho they are, laughed and said that she sad acid and could burn them off. The conversation kept going from there. I never thought it was going to be something I'd look back on as important but life finds a way I guess.

My mind suddenly drifts to Eren. How he kept going on about how it was Armin how would save us, how he cried and cried when he thought I wouldn't save his friends. Ackerman's rage and how she jumped on me and tried to grab the injection herself. I can't help but think, 'This is Eren's fault. He manipulated our friendship, used his words and tears to force and guilt me into choosing Arlert!' Every single memory Eren and I had together flashed before my eyes. When I beat him in the courtroom. When I was teaching him how to clean properly. Training him, cleaning with him, talking and becoming closer! All of it right before my eyes. Then, my mind focuses on a specific memory.

*Flashback*

"Captain?" "Yeah Eren?" "Can you teach me how to read? Please?" I stare at him in shock. "You still can't read?" "No," He responds, sounding ashamed. "The work we did when training was usually stuff on a chalkboard along with drawings. I was able to pick up some basic words along with my name but I never properly learned."  He says, looking ashamed. 'It makes sense, the brat lived in Shiganshina, it's a poor and small area in an outer pocket area of the wall. It's no wonder he never learned how to read. I bet his parent's didn't know how to either.' I think to myself. "Sure brat, I'll teach you."

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It's after that moment that I started to truly love him. I saw the side of him that wanted more than to fight titans, I saw the restless, loving, caring, clingy and worrying side of him. The side that loved and accepted anyone as long as they were good and honest people. The side that valued friends, and family, over anything or anyone, including himself. I also saw the innocent side, the side that loved nature, and making flower crowns, learning, being with friends and family. He loved unconditionally but he didn't let others abuse that. He was kind but knew who to be kind to. He observed and made sure none of his actions or words would ever hurt is friends and he would beat himself up if he ever did. That's the person I feel in love with, and I think, no, know that he loves me too!

'So why would he manipulate me into doing this?' I think. I realize something now. I realize that everything I saw, his strengths, weaknesses, likes and dislikes. It was all fake. He doesn't care. After all, why would he put someone he loves through this kind of torture? There's no way around it. "I hate you, Eren Jeager!"

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Oh god! I feel so bad for Eren! I really love him and I hate to put him through this! I really hope you enjoyed the first chapter! If you could, check out my other WIP's as well! I'm already working on the next parts for both of them and I'm really dedicated so don't worry about me suddenly ending them without them being complete!