Drunk words are sober thoughts

Reality

"Good morning Love!" Levi says to me happily, waking me up. I smile back at him, "Morning." I say, my eyes still cloudy, causing me to squint. As I start to get ready, any injures I've gotten healed by now, I think about everything that's happened since the mission. It's been a week since then and training and experiments have so far been canceled but this week training is starting up again. This past week has been the greatest period of time in my life. No training, waking up everyday to my wonderful yet strict lover, being praised, all of it is just amazing!

Although there has been some...Unfortunate moments here and there. Like that time I was too slow in getting Levi's tea, he beat me up for that. And the other time I stepped on the floor while Levi was mopping, I didn't even know he was cleaning today but I still deserved the long beating and harsh words. After that I made sure to knock on every door and check every hallway before stepping on it.

I snapped out of my thoughts as we, Levi and I, approached the dining area. We opened the doors to see everyone sitting there. Levi and I grabbed our food before heading over to our seats. I gave a quiet, "Morning." To everyone, Mikasa the only one who responded.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Training was harder than usual. I know that it would be tougher in order to get accustomed to it again but it was really hard, at least to me. Everyone else seemed to be fine with it and for a good five to six minutes I was sure I was being pushed harder and singled out by Capitan but I quickly banished that thought from my head. Although it WAS weird how I kept getting called out and beat up by the Capitan and ended up being used for every demonstration and example.

"Hey, Jean." I called out quietly when training was over, I had realized earlier today that the mission had hit them really hard and so I should be more respectful and give them time to open up again so I didn't call him horseface and made sure to be quiet and act as if I was still mourning and sad, even though I wasn't. Jean kept walking. "Jean?" I questioned. He sighed, sounding annoyed, "Eren, I'm not in the mood." He said, his tone made it sound as if I was a distraction and a burden. "Oh, okay." I said before walking away to find Armin.

I had been walking around for a while when I saw him in the barn, brushing his horse, "Hey, Armin!" I said, being a bit louder than earlier, making sure caught his attention. He, hesitated before taking in a deep breath, "Yeah Eren?" He said, sounding a bit annoyed, "I was wondering-" He scoffed, "Wow, I'm surprised you have a brain to do it with." He said before pausing, that small second was enough time for me to get offended. Before I could respond he said, "I'm sorry Eren," He said while not sound very sorry at all, "I'm just in a bad mood, could you ask someone else to help you with what you need?" I shrugged, "Sure." I said nonchalantly before walking out of the barn. While I seemed to be fine on the outside on the inside I was a mess, 'What the fuck was that? Did he really insult me then dismiss me?' I thought angrily. 'Oh well, I'll look for Connie next.'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This scenario with Jean and Armin repeated with Connie and Sasha, and when I knocked on Hanji's door she just straight up ignored me. Or maybe she just wasn't there or was sleeping but no matter the case I still didn't get an answer. I just wanted to know if they thought Capitan was being harsh but of well. I didn't want to ask Mikasa because she would've killed Capitan if I even slightly hinted he was being harsher and I didn't ask Capitan for obvious reasons. With nothing else to do I went to the basement and lied down.

"Why did they all seem so mad?" I wondered. For what felt like hours I could only sit there and think of their reactions. The way they spoke, body language, how quickly they dismissed me, non of it added up but I had seen the way they looked and spoke to me before, not from them but that same annoyed expression and tone seemed familiar. Then it hit me, "Hate." I said quietly. 'The reason why it's so similar is because it's the same look and tone I would get from the people who didn't know me. 

'Why?' Was all I could think. 'Why would they look at me with such and intense hatred it was comparable, if not worse,  that the look the people gave me. I felt like I sat there in the cold  basement forever. Sadness, anger and confusion swirling through me violently, like a raging, cloudy, dark grey storm. The room was silent except for the dripping of water, the slight cold breeze from the small bars making a noise so quiet I could barely hear it. Then, after what seemed like hours, it hit me. 'They said Armin was the wrong choice, so many people died, they think I'm the one to blame for humanity's not yet extinction. Of course they hate me.' Then, I wailed. Reality hit me harder than a brick wall, so many people died because I wasn't fast or strong enough to take Reiner and Bertholdt down, Armin was forced to eat Bertholdt, Armin almost died, Connie, Sasha, Jean, Mikasa, ALL OF THEM ALMOST DIED! And I pushed it away, I was happy and oblivious because Levi survived.'

 I was selfish and now I'm paying the price. I didn't comfort them or think about them. Levi's words from the past week started playing in my head, 'Your so selfish.' 'You let me touch you that night just like how you let everyone die.' 'Erwin would still be alive if it weren't for you.' 'Your disgusting.' 'YOUR MINE AND I HATE YOU!' 'Look at you! You're pathetic!' 'Wow, you really are a fuck up huh?' 'You can't do anything right.'

That was the last thing I thought before I passed out was, 'I'm sorry I was born.'