Don't be scared baby

What next?

I woke up heavily Sudated and tired. Sore too. Very sore

I looked around me and seen I was in a hospital. Not very spacious and definitely not a well kept one. Nathan was laying beside me. Face red and out cold, and then it all came back to me.

I lost my baby. I did this to us. To our little family. Nates baby. My baby. Our child. It's all my fucking fault. My body wasn't strong enough to continue to carry it to full term.  He must be so upset with me. I'm upset with me. I began to cry, and cry. So hard that I was shaking. I fucked up I can't do this. I couldnt do it and I got the consequences. It's truly devastating. I never thought it would hurt this much and I never met the little thing.

My shaking woke Nathan

"Shhhh it's okay" he pulled my head into his chest and ran his fingers through my messy hair. He kissed the top of my head and tried to calm me down. "It all my fault bubs" I sobbed into him

"No macie stop it. I don't want to hear you say that again. It's not your fault. It just wasn't the right time. It was a mistake that we weren't even sure we were ready for. And we got used to the idea of it and then something went wrong maybe for the best. Beacsue that's  what the fucked up world does. It waits till something becomes good, and you get excited about it and then it shuts that idea down. Okay honey, it will be okay. We can have kids when we are ready this time. Don't ever blame yourself you couldn't controll it sweets ok?" I nodded into him
My crying had become silent and tears weren't flowing as fast as they were before.

"Are- ar, are you sad?" I asked him quietly

"Common Macie why would you ask that of course I am, this was our baby. My baby, your baby. It was our kid. Of course I'm fucking sad. I was ready. I was so ready and I wanted to get my life together for the little guy. I wanted to be that dad. The young dad that still is growing up while his kid is. So they can do things together. I'm at such a good spot in my career everything is good, well was good, I was. I was ready..." he stopped and sniffled. I hate that I did this to him. He's so sad. I don't even know how to help. Not like he'd want my help our baby is dead because of me. 

A few hours later I was discharged from the clinic.

We had got back the hotel and Nathan changed into his shorts

"Mace, I'm gonna go swimming would you like to come?" I shook my head no

"Babe just come down atleast. You can't be sitting in this room all day by yourself crying. I thought we talked about this

"Nathan don't tell me how to feel. Go swimming I'll be here. I'll be fine. Give me a day or two I'll be fine." I sassily said to him. Feeling bad. He took his phone, Room key and walked out the door. I'm sad that he actually left he should have fought for me and stayed.

This aggravated me heavily but I can't handle any more stress. I layed in bed she took a nap. Hopefully I wake up and it was all a dream. And everything is ok