Last Time | lams

Chapitre 12

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. I should have known. I should have known it wouldn't get better overnight. Of course. Of course not everything will be settled like that. I'm so dumb. I'm so stupid. Of course I can't forget years of suffering, years of torture. Years of pain. I should have known I wouldn't be better. It's impossible. How it can be ? I don't deserve to get better, I know. I know. Shit. I believed it. I wanted believed. It was naive. Really. Shit.

I was trying to catch .my breath, as I could, trying to bring my breath back to normal, but it was almost impossible. I trembled so much that I could barely stand up properly. Everything revolved around me, And I felt like I was suffocating, and at the same time my heart was beating at a crazy speed. I knew what was going on, it wasn't the first time. I felt cold sweat coming down my neck. I can't do anything. It was unbearable. I wanted it to stop.

I tried to sit at the edge of my bed. I had another nightmare, it was horrible. Once again, everything was falling apart around me and nothing made sense anymore. I wanted to disappear underground in those moments. Why did everything have to be so difficult?

Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Do I really deserve all this? Why do I have to endure this? What did I do wrong? Why me? Why me? Why me? I just want to understand why I am like this. I hate everything. 

I can't take it anymore, I was too naive. This is my life, as it is. An endless nightmare, starting over and over again, without ever stopping. A nightmare that sometimes gives me hope, a way out, an escape, but which, the second time, breaks me and abandons me again. I really wished I can have a way out. It is sadistic, to let me hope, to let me believe in an end. There is no end for me.

I tried to take great breaths to try to calm myself. I kept my hand on my chest while blowing. My head was killing me. Everything is shaking. In those moments, I need to get some fresh air because I know it won't pass. And if I don't get out, I feel like I'm dying, like I'm being squeezed into my ribcage and I'm being stabbed in the stomach with a knife. I can tell you, it's literally one of the worst feeling in this earth. 

I hate it. I hate it. I feel like my life is being stolen.

I'm fed up, I don't want to feel this way anymore, I don't want to suffer anymore, I don't want to endure all this. I want to live. I want to live. I want to be free. I want to breathe. I want to—...

John. I need, I need to hold on to hope. John is my hope. Yes. He is. Sincerely. I don't want to suffer anymore, I want to be with him. I need him. He's my compass and my light, when he's here it's like I stopped wandering for a while. He is all I need. Without him, I am lost. 

Once I was a little calmer, and took a shirt and pants, and I snuck out of the house. I had this habit when I was in this state., because it was the only thing I can do. I knew how to get out of here quietly, it wasn't too difficult. My room is right next to Frances' room, but when Frances is asleep, she sleeps deeply and she doesn't hear me open the door. Other than that, the other rooms are pretty far apart. All I have to do is walk down the stairs as gently and quietly as I can. Once I was down, I grabbed my shoes and a jacket, and walked straight towards the bay window of the library, no one came here in the middle of the night. And I could easily close the bay window, knowing that it would be open when I came back.

And honestly, I didn't care if I got caught or locked out, I just wanted to get out, and even if they tell me I can't, I'll do it anyways. 

Once outside, I finally breathed deeply as I can, trying to get as much air into my lungs as possible. I began to walk trying the rest of my tears that had flowed on my cheeks a little earlier. At this hour, there was nobody, the city was quiet and dark. In my neighbourhood anyway, if I walk to the centre, the lights will blind me. Some people never sleep in New York.