I was pacing in my room. Something was wrong. Since yesterday, when I saw John, I had a thousand questions which troubled my mind, and I couldn't find an answer. And it was annoying. Incomprehensible. Something was wrong. And I really wonder why I didn't think of it before.
But nothing was clear, and everything was confused in my head, I couldn't understand so much. But I felt there was something, my mind was screaming at me. It was like I was becoming aware of something, but I don't know what. It's like I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't get my hands on it. It was weird, I felt weird. I can't explain, I just feel like something is weird.
John. His name repeated itself in my mind but I felt it as a stranger.
John, John, John, John, John. Am I forgetting him? Why? Why would I do that? How I could to that ? Is it because of my brain, my mind, my illness.
Oh. Yes, I'm sick. I think I can't doubt that anymore, and John taught me to be aware of that, so I can move on. Realize this is already a big step for me. He helps me move on, so why would I forget him? Why doesn't his name sound as close as it used to? Why does it seem like he's slipping out of my mind?
Why is John always here when I need him?
Why is it always when I'm at my worst that I see him?
Why don't I see him so often?
Why is he here for me?
Why did he come when I needed to be saved?
Where did he come from?
Who the hell is he?
How come I never saw his friends?
Why doesn't anyone notice when I'm with John?
No, no, no, no. The answer to all these questions is very simple, we just don't live in the same part of the city, and then because he's always there when I need him, it's because we are soulmates, right? Yes, everything can be explained rationally. One day John will meet my friends, and I will meet his friends. I'm sure, I'm sure. I am convinced. It can be an other thing. How it could be ? Right ?
But I've known John for several months now.
Stop Alex, You know it. John exists, remember, his presence, his warmth, his voice, his gestures. His presence. John has always been there, and there's no doubt about it.
His warmth. Have I ever felt his warmth? I remember, last time, his hand was cold.
I'm going crazy. Really. Nothing makes sense. Why would I doubt John's existence? It's stupid. How could it not exist? It is impossible, there is nothing logical about it. I'm stupid, I've always been, so it means nothing.
John exists, John exists, John exists, John exists.
I'm just tired, and I keep asking myself too much questions. Of course I can't believe someone like John exists, and most of all, that he loves me. But me too, I have the right to be happy, and me too, I deserve someone like John. Of course it's surreal that someone like him entered my life, but he did. He did. And I don't want to believe my brain repeats to me that he doesn't exist. John exists, he's too good for me, of course, but I was lucky. This is really amazing, but true. He is my soulmate. John is my soulmate.
The proof is, I can text John, I have his phone number, he gave it to me in person when I saw him the second time we see each other. And we talked a lot about a lot of things. He listened to me all the time.
He listened to me too much. But I don't know anything about him.
He exists. And I can send him a message. I can talk to him. I can. If I can talk to him, it means he exists.
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Last Time | lams
FanfictionTW : depression, suicidal thoughts Alexander had, according to him, no more reason to live. He was tired, and his head kept telling him that he had no one, that if he disappeared, no one would care. And that was true. Alexander was alone, terribly a...
