Television Romance

S1 E02: Invisible Cowboy Hat

INT. BULLPEN - DAY

"Do you ever have a feeling like it's going to be a good week?" Bill asked. It was an hour after the Monday pitch meeting and Vian, Jerry, Bill, and Juliet were gathered around a table in the Bullpen.

"Not once in my life," Jerry said.

"Tragic," Bill noted, "But I do have a good feeling. It's going to be a good week, I can feel it in my bones or whatever."

"In my bones or whatever," echoed Jerry, "Is that a Southern turn of phrase?"

As if Jerry had summoned him with an ancient ritual, Michael walked out and said, in the dopiest southern accent, "Howdy par'ner. I'm Bill. Y'all having a nice time in this part of town?"

Juliet swung around to look at Michael, swung back around to look at Bill, and then dissolved into laughter. Vian, new, and consequently a little slower on the uptake didn't understand what was so funny until she noticed Bill's rigid posture. It was as if every muscle in his body was spring loaded, ready to pounce. Bill was usually debating murder when Michael was around, especially if he opened his mouth. But now he wasn't debating, just planning the coverup.

"Thanks, Michael," Juliet said, practically in tears. Michael tipped an invisible cowboy hat and went on his way.

"I have a good feeling. It's going to be a good week," Jerry repeated merrily.

"I'm going to lock him in that writing room until he turns into fossils. Archaeologists are going to study his weak bones," Bill said, matter-of-fact.

"Jesus, for a comedian you sure can't take a joke," Juliet laughed.

"I don't talk like that."

"Mmm, maybe a little."

"I haven't lived in Texas for seven years. And I have never in my adult life worn a cowboy hat."

"Are you saying there's photos of you as a child wearing a cowboy hat?" Jerry said without hesitation.

"I never said--"

"I'm calling your mother," Juliet said. Her eyes glinted mischievously.

"My mother would not give you my childhood photos."

"Sure she would. I'd just tell her that we needed them for a sketch."

"How would you even contact her?"

"I have her number. And her email."

"How?"

"From that time I had to call and ask for your yearbook photo for a sketch."

"Oh God," Bill groaned, "When did this happen? Why did you call?"

"Remember that time when you begged me to call your mother because she was going to ask you to come visit your sister and you didn't want to talk to her?"

"No."

"Well I do."

"A sudden reversal of fortune for our young hero," Jerry narrated dramatically.

"Alright, you people are a bunch of bullies, and I'm getting out of here. Hopefully, Michael is busy flirting with Cheryl or whoever." Bill stood up and stretched his arms over his head. Juliet laughed at the thought.

"Whomever," she corrected, "Cheryl is--"

"Cheryl is the head of makeup," Jerry told Vian in an aside.

"--like fifty years old."

"Bold of you to assume that would stop him," Bill said sternly.

"One day you're going to have to get over it," Juliet said. She pulled out a lollipop from the pocket of her black skinny jeans, which matched her psychedelic greyscale top. Vian was debating starting a blog about her outfits.

"Never," Bill said pointedly before excusing himself. He was maybe a touch dramatic as he bid them adieu.

"Should we go? Off to the races?" Juliet asked Jerry. She unwrapped her lollipop with one hand and popped it in her mouth. It was bright red. Jerry nodded and asked if Vian was heading back toward Four as well.

"I probably should. I have no idea what I'm writing this week. Did the host say she could do a Romanian accent?"

"I wouldn't trust that if I were you. People tend to be shaky on the Balkans," Juliet said.

"Hey, what is Bill's deal with Michael?"

"God only knows," Juliet said but Jerry looked as if he was holding something back.

"The only thing I know is that it has endless entertainment value," she continued, cheeking her lollipop and talking with her hands the way she was prone to do.

"Do you think Michael knows?" Vian asked.

"Oh yeah, he's in on it. I paid him to do that little show, earlier. Best five dollars ever spent," Juliet divulged. Vian's eyebrows shot up. Jerry looked unsurprised, although that might just have been his face.

The blonde shrugged, "I'm pretty sure Bill doesn't actually hate Michael. They're just doing their macho guy thing. They wouldn't actually go after each other."

They had reached their rooms when an intern came running in the opposite direction.

"Yo, where's the fire?" Juliet asked.

The intern didn't stop, just called, "Fight!" behind him.

"Oh shit," Juliet said and ran after him.

"It's a day for eating one's words," Jerry remarked before jogging after. Vian could see no plausible option other than to follow suit. Who would win in a fight between Michael and Bill? she wondered, Bill was taller, but Michael was more solidly built.

They reached the Bullpen. To no one's surprise, Michael was there, fists up like a B-list boxing movie. But Bill was nowhere to be seen. Instead, the person opposite Michael was a lanky Indian guy Vian vaguely recognized as another intern. The intern threw a punch and landed it on Michael's cheek.

"Jesus Christ," Juliet muttered. She took out her lollipop and handed it to Jerry and dived in. Meredith, another writer with box braids and the thickest watch Vian had ever seen, apparently had the same idea. She got between them as well. Soon the intern and Michael were separated.

"Seriously, dude? An intern?" Juliet scolded. She motioned for Vian to come over.

"Vee, get this idiot to his dressing room and see if you can do something about his face," Juliet said, observing the bleeding from Michael's cheek, "Makeup's going to have a fit."

Bill came in like a streak from the hallway and landed next to Jerry.

"What did I say?" he said pompously. He was doing a bad job hiding a grin.

"Good feeling?" Jerry guessed.

"Good feeling," Bill confirmed.

"Meredith, you got him?" Juliet asked of the intern. Meredith nodded. I'd be a miracle if his job survived the day, Vian thought to herself. Greg was very much a pacifist. Sort of a hippie, really, with this grey braid. Juliet turned to retrieve her lollipop and was met with Bill's smug face.

"Oh, don't start," she said and walked past him. That damped his smile, but only slightly. Michael just got his ass kicked by an intern; Bill was experiencing a level of self-affirmed euphoria previously unknown to him.