Television Romance

Culver Flair

"You're the one you put the hot sauce in his sandwich," Juliet said.

"Yeah," Bill agreed, "but it lacks a certain Culver flair."

"HOW IS THAT FUCKING POSSIBLE?" Sam yelled.

"That would be the Culver flair," Bill whispered smugly.

"What did you do?"

"I made the milk spicy too."

Juliet laughed. A potentially fatal mistake, as evidenced by the knock on the door only a moment later.

"Quick, get under the desk," Juliet hissed and went to answer.

"Samta Anna! What can I do for you?" she asked brightly.

"Do you know where Bill Culver is?" Much like a child, writers knew they were in trouble at LTV when Sam used their full name.

"Haven't the foggiest. Is everything alright?" Clearly, it was not. Sam was mouth breathing so hard it might be considered dry heaving. His face was veering from bright red into purple, in what Juliet could only assume was a result of the fact that he was panting so hard he probably wasn't actually getting any oxygen.

"Mouth... hurts."

"Yeah? You should probably watch what you eat." Sam paid her no mind.

"If you see him..."—he huffed and puffed—"tell him... he's a dead man."

"Will do, Sam-Chop." Sam made a dismissive gesture and waddled away like a grumpy grandfather, the hot sauce having apparently short-circuited all his higher-level motor functions.

~~~~~

Sometimes in life, things just work out perfectly. That was the case with LTV's Halloween party. Every single person came dressed up, and most in the perfect costume.

The stars: the Olympiads: In draping white dresses and bedsheet togas, they looked both regal and ready for a frat party, which was normal for LTV.

Nat was Hera, signified by a peacock feather tucked into her low bun. Her godly husband, Zeus, was played by her platonic work husband, Max. Normally, Max would make a rather gangly, bald god of lightning, but at LTV there was no shortage of wigs, and no his grey beard and hair flowed down to his collarbones. Theodore, head of costuming, had had almost nothing to do all season. With low-budget sketches came low-budget costumes. And low-budget costumes were boring. Hoodie, pants, backpack, boom! You're a college student. Lawyer? Suit. Businessman? Suit. Wedding? Suit. The most exciting thing that had happened for him in the last few weeks was scrambling to fix an old peasant costume after the skirt got stuck on a door handle and tore. Everything was just reusing costumes. So he was very willing, though he maintained an aloof attitude throughout, to do some work for the Olympiads. And so Zeus had a tiny lightning bolt stitched into his toga, and everyone else got a symbol of their own on their left chest.

Bill got a dolphin. He wore his yoga with sneakers and a large plastic trident he had stolen from props. It was bent slightly in the middle, but when he hit people in the head with it, which he was prone to do, it produced a satisfying "bonk". He figured Poseidon would be proud.

Reese was Demeter, goddess of the harvest, and so she had a sprig of grain embroidered. She was raven-haired by birth and banged by choice, but she had made the trek from Theodore to his arch-nemesis Cheryl and procured a golden wig to match her golden grain.

Hades dressed in all black, a sweater with a blazer over it and dark slacks. It may have been a little lazy, but for Jerry it produced quite the contrast to his everyday button-up and blue jeans. The real start of that show, however, was Sadie, his Persephone. She had on a draping black dress and carried a torch, also plastic. On her ears were two small pomegranate earrings (Juliet's of course), pomegranate being the symbol of Hades' queen.

"You look great," Juliet told her as soon as she spotted the redhead post-show.

"Thanks," interjected Jerry. Juliet laughed.

"You too, Rennels. I'm so glad you could come, Sadie! I thought I'd be stuck here with these idiots."

"And miss LTV's annual Halloween extravaganza? Never."

"We do go all out, don't we?"

"Sure do. Hey! Meredith! How's the dog?"

Meredith, or Athena, goddess of wisdom, raised a Solo cup to them from across the room.

"He's a fucking asshole. Just chewed up my sofa," she called, an olive branch above her heart.

"The king of the sea is here," announced a deep, warbling voice.

"You're a god, not a king," Juliet pointed out, earning herself a solid bonk on the head.

"All hail Poseidon."

"What exactly was your power again?" Jerry asked, "Talking to Nemo?" Bill brought down his weapon again but Jerry took a small step and was out of reach.

"Damn," Bill said.

"Should've gotten the long-range trident."

"Out of stock. It was this or a cane. Hey, Jules, where'd you get the bow?"

Juliet was Artemis, goddess of the hunt, with a real wooden bow slung over one shoulder and a stitched yellow moon on the front of her handmade dress. The dress was belted tightly with a swath of golden fabric that matched her arm bangles, earrings, and the pins in her hair. Gladiator sandals completed the look. All out.

"From a friend."

"You have a friend with a bow?"

"You don't?"

"Hey, where's Vian?" Sadie asked.