Forge and Fury - Shadow And Bone

Chapter two

I gave up asking. He never speaks to me, no matter how many questions I ask. Not even using his name helps. I'd wondered if he actually couldn't answer me but I don't think that's true, he's just refusing to give me any information.

Even though I will never forgive him for what he did, I have been lonely for so long. I now understand what he meant about otkazat'ya lives being short. Everyone I knew is dead, I would guess. I have completely isolated myself from everyone else, which for a time, a time with Mal, was good. But now it's just empty. Cold. There is never anything to do anymore. It's lonely and cold.

That's why I stopped asking questions, in case it drives him away. I can't bear to think that he will leave after I am back to my full strength. I've been trying to convince myself that it's not his slate eyes that give me hope but the fact that I haven't seen another person for over a century.

His eyes bore into me now, he is sitting on the edge of my bed again, just watching me. My health has improved greatly allowing me to move about my small cabin for a small amount of time before collapsing into a chair or onto my bed, exhausted. But he still watches me as if I am made of glass.

I have managed to figure out why it took him so long to find me. When I became aware of the bond, I tried to ignore it, like I used to do with my problems, but when the darkness began to take over my body, I let him feel it. I opened the door but never stepped through. Maybe in the bottom of his soul, he does care for me. i doubt it though, i guess i'm just a too valuable asset to him, to die. With the thought of how he manipulated me before I sigh and turn my head away from him.

"Why don't you just leave?" I mutter bitterly, but it's a lie. And he knows it. I lay down on my bed and tried to ignore him as slip into a restless sleep.

☯ ۝ ☯

I wake with a jolt as a scream dies in my throat. I will not scream,not with him here, not when it was him I was dreaming of. I was back at the fold again, watching Novokribirsk being swallowed by inky shadows, when I spotted Genya tied to one of the fence posts on the dry docks. There were tears rolling down her face yet she refused to make a sound as she watched the dankness swarm towards her, consuming, carrying the half-human screams of the volcra. I stood and watched.I did nothing to save her, because she betrayed me. She told me she was my friend when she was only acting as a spie for The Darkling. I fear that if I ever have to face Genya again I would not be able to look her in the eyes, because that's what his presence does to me. it brings out my irrational fears that have already passed, like Mal dying in the inn back in Novyi Zem. He brings out the worst in me, the side that didn't want to help Genya , that saw no cause to, because she was nothing to me. I was immortal and she was just a Grisha without a colour.

When I opened my eyes and looked around my small cabin, I couldn't see Aleksander. I called out but no on came. I was alone. I dragged myself out of bed and over to my small sink where I filled a glass of water. It was dark outside and quiet.  I was alone.  Alone again.

☯ ۝ ☯

It was so quiet. i couldn't deal with it anymore. I needed to see him. i shuffled over to my bed and pulled out the ornate hair pin from under my pillow. It was long and sharp. At the top a beautiful eclipse encrusted with black jewels and diamonds. it was perfect.

i rolled up my sleeve, and pressed the point to my wrist, pressed and dragged. Once, twice, three times, four.  as the blood began to well up and trail down my arm. the way it pooled and then dripped. a single touch creating spasms of red on my white sheet. It was beautiful. It was excruciating.  and i let him feel everything.  

i know he was there. Just before i passed out i could feel him jump across the bond, before i fell into darkness.