Forge and Fury - Shadow And Bone

Introduction

I had burst into my chambers with tears threatening to spill over my cheeks. Almost being able to feel Mal walking further and further away, like the distance was a palpable thing.

I locked the door with a click and let my sobs overwhelm me, sliding down to the floor and curling up. I let him go.

"Come back," I had whispered to myself "please don't leave me here" but i knew he wouldn't. Because he was right, here I'm just the Darkling's little pet. But you like it that way, the voice whispered in the back of my mind. I was no better than Zoya, always trying to please him. Mal seemed to like her well enough, I thought bitterly. No wonder Mal had given up on me. My sobs then subsided to silent tears and hiccuped breathing as I became furious with myself. I had let him go, I was so eager to see him and pretend that nothing had changed. How stupid could i be? I went from being an assistant cartographer to becoming the second most powerful grisha in the country and I pretend that nothing's changed? I mean, had I really expected him to welcome me with open arms to me after I left him?

It was all my fault, Mal gave up because of me. At least he'll be happy now he's moved on, he doesn't have to worry about me anymore.

I layed in bed for hours with thoughts racing through my mind. My whole life had always been focused around Mal, where he was, what he was doing. And now he's gone, what am I left with? I felt empty and cold. Like there was a hole in my chest that I could not fill. because Mal had been my life and I let him go. I slowly fell asleep, exhausted from all the tears, mind games and invisible turmoil that had been raging inside me.

When I woke, it is not to soft sunlight streaming through the window, but to a quiet knock and a gentle whisper of my name. I knew who it was, I could feel his presence thrumming through my body. He came. Maybe if Mal has given up on me, maybe it's time for me to move on too. Maybe I don't have to be his pet, maybe I could be his equal, if he'd let me. And so, with no regard to the time or my red-rimmed eyes, I slipped out of bed and padded to the door. I opened it and he stepped in, glancing over his shoulder as he did, but no one was around, the Little Palace was asleep. All except us.

One of the first thing he had noticed was my red eyes and the stains my tears had left on my cheeks. I had told him about what Mal had said and asked to be his equal rather than someone he manipulated to his own needs then abandoned. How naive I had been.

Months passed with us like that. When we were with others we shot cold glares at eachother, letting no other emotions but annoyance and boredom, slip through our masked features.

But when we were alone, saints, I felt like I was someone. He was always there, I was so caught up this fairytale that I missed so much that was right in front of me.

Every time I confessed my feelings or shows my true emotions to him, I was walking further into his trap. I had no idea untill the jaws closed behind me, locking me inside with a monster, when he expanded the fold.

I thought I knew the real Alexsander, the one who had built walls around himself to protect him from the pain of centuries. But I was wrong.

Every touch, every kiss, every comforting moment, every time I spoke freely or lifted my mask, I was still speaking to one.

But now I yearned for it. Even though I knew better, I wanted to feel like that again. I wanted to feel special. Because he was the only one who understood the burdens of centuries. The pain immortality brings.

Time has built up my walls as high as his ever were. Every decision is calculated every step predetermined. Because now I know what one wrong footfall could mean. It could plunge you into the endless whirlpool of pain which came with living this life.

I never thought the time would come when I understood the Darklings motives. His plans and schemes. But I do now. I understand every trick, manipulation and turn. And now I would not hesitate to do the same.

The true reason I never saw the real Alexsander was because there was nothing left of him, he had been destroyed by the one true master of death, time. And now so had I.

And so I felt no battle inside me when I felt a tug on the bond that connects us. The one that had layed dormant for years. He always knew what game to play and almost alway won.

Because the truth is, he never died. I just blocked him out. Only when I was the lonliess I had ever been did the bond become a conscious thing once more. He had waited centuries for me and now I was ready to embrace him. To embrace the darkness that lives within me.

☯ ۝ ☯