Reverie and Nightmares

Diary 5

I'd made sure to wake up extra early to not miss the Saturday morning show of that beautiful sunrise, the heat already reaching my once excellent skin. I kicked the bedsheets and bolted out to see the morning sun.

I remembered even shouting to the sky that I'd been happy to see the sun smile again and that I'd also greeted the moon shining, too, even if it was out in the distance waiting for its turn.

But as the little girl that I was, I made sure to remember just because something was last, it wasn't that it had lesser value. It might even have more because, as Dad once said while still here, 'What comes last is the perfect form, like a phoenix.'

I wasn't sure what he'd meant, and even to this day, as I write this, I'm still scratching my demonic chin.

I scratched to the point of almost scarring, but I wasn't about to ruin the face that I was reborn with. No, that would be not very sensible. It would ruin me, and I'd be a laughingstock to all like me, to Pumpkin. To everyone. That wouldn't be the life that I wanted.

So why did she have to ruin it? Why did she make me want to die? Why did Mikan? No, I shouldn't call her that anymore. Just writing that name, and even bloody thinking about it, boils my purple blood. When was the last time that I'd seen my blood? I'm unsure; perhaps it was purple before, and now it's yellow, like the eyes before me?

She was the reason I chose this life. Why, I wanted to live as far as I could so that one day, I could beat her, I could beat her so that she'd stay down and suffer what I'd gone through. That same day. That same bloody day, I'd fallen to my feet, the pain nearly nauseating, and I only shrugged it off as just one of those things.

I'd thought it was my first menstrual cycle; after all, I was at that age. Momma had taught me about it, saying that once I did, I'd tell her immediately, but even with that in mind, I couldn't because I'd blacked out, and sooner than later, I'd popped up in a hospital over 300,000 meters from home.

I couldn't believe my luck to be treated with such respect to be brought to the best clinical treatment, but for what? The doctors wouldn't say anything, but my skin became grayer. I noticed it became as gray as the clay in an arts-and-crafts store. It was that ugly, and the worst part was it had been almost pasty, like the old toothpaste that Dad used to use. And my knees were as weak as almost thawed-out ice.

Mikan was there, too. She was there to stand beside me, her butterfly around the top of her head a nuisance as it was the most colorful object in that entire room. Everything else was completely devoid of color and life, including me.

I'd asked and asked again to my doctors. But they didn't say anything. That frustration was easily what had killed my human spirit, and the day that the doctors finally would tell me I'd only had four days left to live. Right, four bloody days of human life.

I had four days to do what I wanted, and although it couldn't be exactly what I'd wanted as I was locked in the detention of the hospital, it was for what I wanted. I was diagnosed with the first case in the world of sublime cancer, a very serious disease according to the doctors. At the very least, that was what they'd called this cancer; I remembered them telling me that I would have the chance to give it a name, or I could leave it be. Such a privilege was far too great for me as a human, but if I could go back in time as the human I once was, I would've probably called it to streamline.

The doctors granted me what I ever wanted in those last four days, starting from regular playing cards so I could play solitaire to the average board game, but the entire time, I'd been kept to myself. And one day, I'd called the nurse over and given her my last request, and to my stupendous luck, she'd agreed to it so long as it was my last day.

And as such, that day approached quickly. The final day of my breathing world was when she came. But it was not her that I requested. No, I'd requested something far viler—Mikan, or in greater cases.

I should consider her Thea since she wasn't so keen on the name Momma had given me, seeing as our dad gave us our middle names, and she wanted to respect the man as much as she could. She'd walked that day inside the hospital building, probably had something to drink before, and brought it over along with a spare. It was honey iced tea, my favorite back when we used to play with dolls. She'd known, from the looks of her eyes, that I was going to die there like an unhelpful dog picked off directly from the slums of England.

She'd brought her flowers too, but at that point, I'd lost my sense of taste and smell, meaning if I'd asked her to bring them over so that I could get one strong whiff, nothing would come from it.

"Sally. I didn't know that it was time... You know..." She spoke. Her eyes were droopy, and it had appeared that she'd cried profusely before it. It only made sense; however, our mother was a damn monster.

"You didn't, or you didn't want to. Either way, I'm bonked. I'm done for. It's over after today. You don't have to keep coming over to check on me. I know you have been, you know?"

"No, I don't think it's over for you. Not a bit. I... You're my s-sister. I can hardly ever talk to anyone else... Without quieting down completely. Without you, I-"

"Cut the bullshit, Mikan. I'm dying. I'm straight-up dying, Mikan. I won't come back after this. I won't because God doesn't want me to. So that's why I ordered it. That's why I... GOD WANTS ME TO DIE! HE WANTS ME TO DIE RIGHT NOW! WHY ELSE AM I HERE? WHY ELSE BUT TO DIE!"

After saying those words, I began coughing, and I could already taste the copper running into the walls of my throat. It was a welcoming way to say that the end of Saki the human was coming to an end and that something else would come after it.

"I'm not going to let you... I won't... I'm going to start studying hard, sister. You know that I can... I am going to study hard to save you. I will. I... I will!"

"But you can't. This is an untreatable line of other cancers. I could give it a name before I go if I go. The doctors could very well be wrong, and I could live to eighty, but that doesn't change what I want to do once I come back."

"You're wrong... Coming back from the dead isn't natural... I-it's not... God doesn't want that. You rest where you died... And you turn into an angel. Sally, you're going to turn into an angel! You'll turn one if you pass, but I'm not letting you turn into an angel yet. No, wait for me... Wait for me, and I'll find you again."

Her enthusiasm sparked a light of will, almost as if she'd been dedicating her whole mind and soul to this one dream of hers, but from what my body felt, I knew that I wouldn't make it past another day. As much as Mother beat us two, we still knew that we were going to live another day. We would see the sunrise again, and the moon falls, like a play with the red curtains - the one dad used to take us to - and we would suffer the pain and hope that it wouldn't break us. But this illness was going to take me.

And I guess the devil must've been on my side the entire time as I'd reached my hands over the evil spirit board and made contact. The contact that I'd awaited. And the box, fusing at my fingertips, created a silver-black ring with such vile energy that I'd nearly fainted at the odor. But I knew that it was great. And I knew that I was finally going to make a point for the world.

A monument to the failure of God.

Shortly after it, Saki Sally Alexander was considered dead at 8:23 on Easter Sunday.