Losing Faith

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October.
A little life inside of me.

—

Those lines, written on the page of her diary a couple of hours ago, were still running through her mind, causing her to be distracted for the rest of the day. She was absent-minded and silent in class, her face drooping from the moment she learned the terrible news — she was pregnant, and now she didn't know what to do.

Faith had always thought of herself as collected and responsible, mature and sensible, but now — now, like a frivolous, stupid girl, she was pregnant before she even finished school, and it made her angry.

It was a reckless act that needed an immediate solution, but Faith seemed to be stuck in one place, feeling empty, while inside her, on the contrary, there was something, someone, who filled all her thoughts, and made her feel pathetic and desperate.

How was she supposed to tell Draco? Or friends? Or parents?

How was she supposed to handle it? How could she have decided to do something alone when all she wanted to do was scream in helplessness and anger at herself?

"I'm fucked up." She mumbled as she sat on her bed, her blank gaze fixed on the floor.
With a heavy sigh, she ran both her hands through her mop of hair, pulling at the strands at the roots — her gaze unconsciously falling back to her stomach.

"What?" Nicole's voice came so suddenly that Faith almost flinched; she looked up blearily at her friend, who had just come out of the shower, water dripping from the strands of her copper hair, and Faith suddenly felt a slight twinge of nausea; she didn't know if it was because of her situation, or because of the nervousness and fear she had been experiencing continuously since she found out.

"What happened?" Nicole asked without showing much interest, her hand reached for her wand and in the blink of an eye, her hair was dry.

"Nothing, I just forgot to read that chapter in the History of Magic book, Binns won't leave me alone." Faith answered evasively, blurting out the first thing that came to mind. Her fingers tightened nervously on the bedspread, afraid that Nicole wouldn't believe this nonsense, but Nicole didn't seem to care.

"Forget it, he won't even remember it." She flopped down on her bed, mirroring Faith's pose, her knees pressed against her chest, her hands at her sides, her head tilted to the side, and even from a distance, Faith could see the piercing look in her dark eyes.

"Are you alright? You look a little... pale."

A chill ran down Faith's spine, making her blood run cold — while her face didn't move a muscle, a blizzard raged inside her.

"Yes," Even her voice was as firm and determined as ever, but if Nicole had looked down at Faith's hands, she would have seen that her knuckles were white with the force of her grip on the bedspread. "I bet Nott was playing a trick on me, and that piece of cake was poisoned."

She tried to make a joke of it, and visibly relaxed when she saw the small smile on Nicole's face. She'd gotten away with it this time, but somehow she had an uneasy feeling that she wouldn't get away with it so easily again.

She had to decide what to do as quickly as possible.

"What are your plans for tonight? Are you staying here?" After a few seconds, Nicole asked, glancing away as if she was uncomfortable, her fingers tugged at the blanket.

"Why? Do you have any plans?" There was a note of amusement in Faith's voice that made Nicole blush and look even lower.

"I— I called someone here, a guy from Ravenclaw, I'm sorry."

"What about Nott?"

Nicole frowned and raised her dark eyes to her friend,

"The thing is, it's all for him. To awaken hidden feelings in him." Then she got out of bed and went to her closet, running her eyes over the huge selection of clothes, and Faith already knew that in the next second she would have to help her friend choose clothes for her "date" again.

She shuddered inwardly at the prospect of looking at the multicolored patch of Nicole's clothes, it was the last thing she wanted to do at that moment. So, carefully getting out of bed, feeling a little dizzy and weak, she went to Nicole and pulled out the first thing she could find — a blouse and a tight skirt. She didn't even look at it before she threw on a jumper and left the room, saying one last thing,

"I hope regret doesn't eat you up later, have fun."

Faith had never considered such things to be right or acceptable; to use someone for their own purposes, to do things only for something or someone, to put themselves below others — it was all beyond Faith's comprehension. But who was she to judge anyone, right? Each person had their own head and their own life, and at this point, Faith wasn't the best role model when there was a child inside her, while she was only seventeen.

So, with a head heavy with thoughts, she went down to the common room, relieved to realize that no one was there. She sank down on the couch, pulling the sleeves of her jumper over her palms, and stared into the dying fire.

To some extent, she felt the same way now, like fading away. Her old fire inside was almost extinguished, the spark of life, the passion for adventure and something fun — all this was dying in her for the last couple of months, and she did not know if it was possible to rekindle even a small flame in her.

She felt bad, she felt that life had led her to the wrong place, she felt lost, she pushed away the people she loved because she thought it was the right thing to do, but she hadn't taken into account the fact that her heart would hurt so much — no matter what these people had done to her, she continued to love them. And that only made it harder.

"Can you tell me something nice?" She asked Draco when, after an hour of thinking alone in the common room, she finally came to him.

She was lying on his bed, which she had lain on a million times before, but now she felt like a stranger in this room, her head felt uncomfortable on the pillow, and the fact that Draco was lying behind her didn't feel right.

Over the past couple of months, the distance between them had increased, and the fire between them seemed to have gone out, too. No more sparkles in their eyes when they looked at each other, no more anticipation of meeting, no more flutter in their hearts from kissing and touching. Faith was afraid that their end was near, even though she was doing all the things that brought the end closer.

"Something nice?" Draco moved toward her, his hand resting on her stomach, not realizing, not having any idea at all that this was something that made Faith almost gasp — not from the pleasantness of his touch, but from what she was hiding from him so far.

"I love you." He whispered, resting his chin gently on her shoulder, his lips gently touching her temple.

It was something nice to hear, but she knew it wasn't true.