Losing Faith

𝟑𝟒

November.

I'm tired. I'm so tired and I feel so bad, I want to throw up.
I don't even have the strength to hate or be angry with you, Draco. It just hurts. It hurts me that you continue to have something with her, it hurts me that I was never able to become the one you need.
Should I apologize for this?
Should I apologize for the fact that I loved you and you didn't love me?
Should I apologize for the fact that you didn't have the courage to admit that you don't need me?
Should I apologize for wanting to get back at you all?
Fuck you, all of you. I hate you and what you've done to me, what you've put me through.
I hate myself, I hate this stupid party, I hate this stupid place and the fact that it's so damn cold here.
I hate that I hear someone's footsteps.
And I hate that I keep keeping a diary like a stupid twelve-year-old, hiding it in the roots of this stupid tree, where we spend almost every fucking day.
I hate life.

—

𝐍 𝐎 𝐕 𝐄 𝐌 𝐁 𝐄 𝐑.
A party time.

—

Faith tried to run as fast as her stumbling legs would allow her. There were already tears in her eyes, but she tried with all her might to restrain herself and let them pour out somewhere in a secluded place.

Her heart was pounding wildly, everything swam before her eyes from the amount of alcohol she had drunk, she was staggering from side to side, causing her shoulders to hit the walls and other people, but Faith did not give up — she continued to run, as she thought, quickly, and she was almost at the door leading away from the common room, when she was stopped by someone's warm hand on her elbow.

She knew who it could be, so gritting her teeth, no longer paying attention to the two tears rolling down her cheeks, she turned around and slapped him a ringing slap in the face, putting all her remaining strength into this movement.

Draco's head jerked violently to the side from her blow, and for a second his eyes snapped shut before he turned back to her, a look of remorse on his face.

"Faith..."

"I hate you." She said fiercely. "I wish I'd never spoken to you, I wish I'd never believed you, I wish I'd never opened my heart to you!" She shouted, almost choking on her tears. She couldn't bear to see him right now, knowing that a couple of minutes ago he was kissing Astoria again, pawing her body, letting her leg wrap around his waist and her hands bury themselves in his hair.

It was unbearable for her to see his drooping face, on which pain was frozen, his eyes expressed sincere regret and sadness, and she hated that he could so easily play with her feelings, making her believe that he was really sorry.

"It's not what you think, Faith, I didn't even—"

"I wish I'd never known you," She lowered her voice, feeling the storm inside her slowly subside, leaving only ashes, only fragments of what had once been a heart. "Then I wouldn't have made this mistake."

His mouth opened slightly, as if he wanted to say something, but he couldn't get out a word. He was paralyzed by the sight of her tearful face, her eyes in which he could read pain and contempt, and his heart ached at the thought that she felt this for him, that he was the reason that she called them a mistake.