Be His Light

How Different Things Are Now...

Things with Toby are so different for you. He's so....sweet. There isn't even an occasional insult in a brief fit of insanity. He is always kind. Sometimes, he even shares his pancakes with you! You love this....but somehow it doesn't feel quite right. Kissing Toby isn't the same as when you kissed Jeff. There isn't as much fire or passion. It's almost like kissing a brother or sister. Of course, you would never tell him that, but to him, it was mutual. He felt that he was kissing a sibling but he thought you liked him a lot.
Funny how things turn out, huh?
You were sitting in the CreepyPasta kitchen, in front of a pair of bay windows. The mug of hot chocolate warmed your cold fingers, the blanket tucked around your shoulders doing little to ward off the chill emanating from within you. Absentmindedly, you flicked a strand of (H/C) hair behind your ear. At the moment, you were feeling alone in a house full of killers. Of course all of them accepted and loved you and they weren't pressuring you to become a proxy....but you felt as though you should. It was fun killing that teenage boy, your first kill....how bad could it be to slowly go insane in this house made of insanity and folk tales? It couldn't possibly be too bad....could it?
"What are you doing, (Y/N)?" A deep voice said. You recognized it immediately, the comfort emanating from it....the familiar timbre....and you remembered all the times that voice comforted you....when that was the voice of reason from the most insane of the CPs....when you two were together, in the heat of the moment...
"Jeff..." You whisper. You turn around only to see the white, stained red, hoodie. His familiar scent surrounded you and you closed your eyes. Slowly you look up at him....at the face you've been avoiding for the last few weeks. His dark eyes shine with some unintelligible emotion. Of course he was smiling, but his smile seemed a little melancholy. Stubble was on his chin, and tentatively you reached up and touched his face. The leathery feel....you wished it was still yours. Tears built up in your eyes as he leaned his head more into your palm. His black hair was a mess, knotted and tangled, sticking up every which way. He looked as though he hadn't slept in weeks. Even his slacks were crumpled.
"(Y/N)....please......I didn't meant to do what I did. I never meant to hurt you..."he whispered, his voice so low you almost couldn't hear him.
"And yet....you always did. At times, you were the sweetest of people....others.....you were so vicious. You weren't...you. It was like you didn't even recognize me at those times...and that scared me, Jeff. How could you? You never even talked to me about anything! You always ignored me or told me it was nothing! You never told me anything about you.....I've been in the dark about you for the entirety of our relationship. Where are your parents? Do you have any siblings? What about a pet? You never told me ANYTHING! Never Jeff....never....it's like I was alone in the relationship the entire time. My parents, when they were....alive....thought I made you up because I KNEW NOTHING..."you trail off, yanking your hand away from him. He flinched before that dark look entered his eyes again. That same one you feared.
"Listen here! You were the only one I ever had! I killed my parents because im insane! That's what's wrong with me! There were so many times I thought of how easy it would be to simply kill you....before I remembered that I loved....still love....you...my pet? My pet is a killer too! Smile dog? He kills people all the time! And my brother....oh, Liu....I killed him too. I don't even really remember it except in my nightmares...the pleasure I got from killing my family that night....it disgusts me...but still I do it. Still I kill. I destroy everything good around me. Everything I love or ever loved.....it always dies, shrivels away from me because I am poison! I am destruction..."he turned away from you. You're in shock, still processing everything he said. But you can tell he needs some form of comfort right now. Placing a hand on his shoulder, you gently turn him towards you. His eyes are pained, the look within their depths tortured. And you pull him into your arms, seeing the torture written on his face. He burrows his face into your neck, inhaling your familiar scent, the scent that's been eluding him for the past few weeks...that he had no right to. His arms wrapped familiarly around your hips, hands tangling in your hair. Tentatively, you wrapped your arms around him, smoothing his messy hair with shaky hands. He sobbed into your shoulder, down on his knees before you, being so much taller. You couldn't help the tears that Welles up in your eyes and spilled incandescently down your cheeks.
"God, (Y/N)....I've missed you so much. I missed being able to hold you...to fall asleep with you....to be able to call you mine....I should have never done what I did to you...I wish I hadn't. I just want you back....can't you please forgive me...?"he sobbed.
"Jeff, I forgive you....it's okay..." He looked up at you, hope in his eyes. "That doesn't mean we are back together. You hurt me a lot. I just....I don't know if I can handle that yet." You finish on a whisper, untangling yourself from his grasp and turning away to walk out of the kitchen. Tears fall down his leathery cheeks into the crevasses of his face, his hands palm up at his sides, on his knees watching as you walk out.
"...I love you, (Y/N)....why can't you see that?" He whispers as you disappear around the corner. "Only you..."