Hard to Love

15. Laura

Dr. June's been off during the procedures. I've been here for at least two hours, subjected to stress tests and being poked and prodded.

No black dress and heels today for the doctor. She's wearing the sneakers I'd wear as a nurse, which I find ironic.

"Everything okay?" I ask her as she looks at my chart. She entered the room at least a minute ago and didn't even say anything to me. She's just looking at the results of all the tests.

"Fine," she says then gives me a tight smile and returns to the clipboard.

I don't really feel fine. There's nothing that's fine. The way she's been makes me think something is very, very wrong.

In most cases, medication is all that's required to manage arrhythmia. But then there are the more severe cases.

I channel my inner Cami, wishing she were here. We're going to be positive, I tell myself. Dr. June just got dumped is all. Yeah, that makes me feel better. When did I get this bitter?

"You didn't bring anyone?"

I stare back at Dr. June when she sighs heavily and lowers the clipboard to the metal cart to her right.

"Forgot to ask," I lie to her. She doesn't need to know that Cami stood me up. That little tidbit makes me feel a little more lonely. I've realized I don't like being lonely.

"I'm going to prescribe you a medication," Dr. June tells me before pulling out a pad of paper from the back of the clipboard. I watch as she scribbles out a prescription. "You can have it filled at any pharmacy. Make sure you take it daily," she drones on, like she's reading from a script.

I interrupt her telling me about possible side effects to ask, "So everything's fine?"

"Well, you have an irregular heartbeat, but it's treatable with a calcium blocker. Your heart itself is in good condition, which is a great sign. The arrhythmia is virtually harmless, but this medicine will do the trick to keep it beating normally."

"Medicine to keep your heart beating normally," I echo and I can't help it when my eyes water.

"Yeah." The doctor finally shows some emotion as she says, "We should all have access to it, shouldn't we?" Her sad joke mirrors the look of despair I've been feeling from her for the past two hours.

"That's a joke." She quickly corrects herself and gathers the clipboard as she stands. As if I didn't get it.

"I know," I tell her solemnly. I'm such a weirdo, I want to stand up and hug this woman. A woman I know nothing about. A woman I've been inwardly bitter toward. Am I really that lonely?

"This is for you." Handing me the script, she tells me how I can exit the office once I've changed out of my patient gown. She's back to her robotic self with a fake smile as her parting gift.

I accept it and tell her I hope she has a great day. Everyone says that, but I do mean it. I hope she can at least feel that I mean it.

When she's gone, I sit back on the crinkled paper and stare at the prescription before getting dressed. Pills to keep my heart going. I'm going to really need these.

Checking my phone, I see Cami hasn't answered. It's so not like her. She told me she'd come. Regardless, I let her know that I'm all right. I haven't told her about last night yet. Maybe she already knows, maybe Seth told Derrick and Derrick told her.

My face crumples as I lean forward, as does the fucking paper under my ass. It mocks me, and oddly enough, I'm fine with it.

I deserve to be mocked. How did I really think this was going to end?