Never Surrender [ Snape x Lupin ]

Chapter Twenty Three

Severus was infuriated with himself. He couldn't believe how many times he had written this letter, convinced himself he was crazy, burned it, held his breath for days, and decided to get his quill again. Narcisa Malfoy was maybe the only person he could trust for this. Asking Lucius was out of the question, he would be loyal to the Dark Lord above all. But Narcisa... There was a spark of sanity in her eyes. Not for herself and her destiny, but for Draco's. She would do absolutely anything to protect him.

Severus hadn't felt anything after that pulse on the train, the event had taken place so long ago that sometimes he tricked himself into thinking it was just a dream when he decided to have a good day. However, he had never been so cautious on his protective spells and occlumency exercises. Severus couldn't stop thinking that if Voldemort found his way to him, he'd inevitably find Remus too. He was endangering a good person that had nothing to do with his poor choices again, someone who still had so much to live. The Dark Lord would have no mercy on him and his lover, their union would instantly mean Severus had switched sides in the years of his absence.

This could potentially ruin years of work and be dangerous to everyone involved. And if there is something Severus was terrified of, was being the direct cause of death to anyone he knew. As ironic as it might sound, for someone that would use threats to be taken seriously while standing his grounds, Severus was very concerned about people's integrity around him. Very uncharacteristic for an individual as representative of the Slytherin house as himself. He, still deep into thought, held the draft in front of him against a candle, not being sure if he would take a better look into it or destroy it. The words were soaked in meaning and the rhythm of the content could be a fast whisper in an empty ballroom. One had to know precisely what to look for in that letter in order to find the actual meaning of it. But Narcisa certainly would understand at the moment her eyes landed on the first few lines.

After some time, when Snape had just signed his name at the bottom of the letter and sealed it with his enchanted wax, he let the papers aside and leaned with his shoulders forward, his nose lowering and his eyes starting to get watery in the corners. This was it, what all his insecurities and possible paranoia had brought him to. He had actually written a letter to Narcisa Malfoy asking her in a very disguised way if Lucius or Bellatrix had mentioned anything about their dark mark recently. Snape buried his ink-stained fingers on his dark hair, breathing faster than usual.

"What if she is more inclined to join the Death Eaters in case the Dark Lord returns rather than trying to avoid it from happening? What if she calls me out on it to Lucius or her crazy sister? They would come for me even without the Dark Lord's return, some of them truly never left the old ways"

The black-haired wizard took a few deep breaths and made up his mind. He opened his last drawer and left the letter in the middle of a book he had charmed to remain closed.

"Most potions and rituals performed during the supermoon will come to fruition in a few weeks. If I feel something again in the near future I'll send her the letter"

Taking a break from his mental storm, Severus found himself being grateful for how much they had been respecting each other's privacy. He could have left the letter without the wax on his desk and be sure Remus wouldn't read it. Once or twice, that strange involuntary legilimency happened. Same circumstances as in Hogwarts, midway conversations in which they were having a good time together. Maybe that let their guards down. However, with the recent events, Severus was actively practicing occlumency most of the times and this also prevented his magic from leaking to the outside. He concerned himself that maybe Lupin had noticed he'd been worried or nervous.

Severus made his final decision about the letter. He'd wait and try to the best of his ability to remain calm and rational. And possibly enjoy Remus' company, especially now that his presence was becoming lighter since he had a controlled transformation. That night had indeed been important for them, neither could remember ever being this authentic during intimacy. To open yourself up and be this fearless of any type of rejection was healing to the very least.