Diurna Times

↳ What's Happening?!

Written by: creative_maverick_Mo
Banner by: duskylilacs

Recently I've been thinking a lot about who I am and what I want to become, and I never get an answer that's good enough. Every time I think I've figured it out, it turns out to be something I'm not that good at or something I just don't enjoy. It suddenly feels like I don't know who I am anymore, like there's nothing in the world that I'm good at. I used to think that I was a good writer. I mean I'm no William Shakespeare, but I think write well. But recently that changed. It changed a lot. I went from being an upcoming creative intellectual to just struggling through life and trying to do school (even though school does me more than I return the favour).

I didn't really understand what I was being taught. Everything I thought I knew started developing new definitions of their own. I felt dumb. I felt stupid. I felt hollow—like I was missing something everyone else around me had. The truth of what was happening didn't hit me until much later.

Sometimes we put pressure on ourselves to do an outstanding thing before a particular time or before we clock a particular age without stopping to check whether that's what we would want for ourselves. The truth is that we are human beings and we are constantly changing. What you wanted to become when you were five may not be what you want to do when it's time for you select your major. What you've always thought you'd become may not be what you're interested in after a while. I mean, even adults change their career paths when they realise they aren't fulfilled anymore. So why do we-at our young ages-put ourselves through this self-inflicted torture?

"Tick-tock says the clock. What you've got to do, do quick!" A nursery rhyme that keeps ringing in my head anytime I'm slacking off because I'm scared there will never be enough time for me to do everything I have to do. The truth is, there is time. I know people say otherwise, because when you think deeply about it there isn't any time at all. But if you also think deeply about it, where has 'thinking deeply' really gotten us? My guess will be not so far.

I believe everyone can attest to the fact that many times, we get the most work done when we least expect to—when we're not really thinking about it. It's like wanting something very badly, it often comes to your doorstep when you aren't thinking about it anymore.

I believe the proper question for me to ask now is "what are your motives?" I wonder why people don't ask this question enough. What are your motives? Why do you do the things you do? Is it because you feel pressured to be someone society or your family thinks you should be. Or is it because you genuinely want to do that thing so badly?

The truth is when I was about 12 years old, one of my favourite uncles told me that I am privileged and that it could prevent me from succeeding in life. He didn't say it out of spite or anything. He was just saying it based on his observations about me. I didn't want to, but I took it personally. And all these years I've been pretending (or trying to pretend) that what he said that night didn't have any effect on me and whatever I choose to do with myself, my life, and my time. But it did. It affected me a lot.

I couldn't let go of that thought, and in everything I do, I try to prove to myself and the world around me (even though they don't care) that I am not privileged. That I can do it; that I am strong enough to achieve my goals on my own. But the truth is, I can't. I can't do it on my own. I can't achieve my goals on my own. I can't be the person I want and need to be on my own. The dreams I have for myself need a team. And I am not joining a team because I'm weak or privileged. I am doing it because it is what is needed for me to achieve what I need to achieve. No one can get through life on their own anyway.

So, this reflection made me realise that there is no need for all the pressure I put on myself. I will get there when I will and I am open to feeling. Be it depression, anger, love or anxiety because I numbed myself for such a long time that experiencing any feeling now makes me feel a certain level of normalcy that has eluded me for such a long time.

This article is for those who have felt alone;

For those who have felt lonely and unhappy;

Those who have felt lost;

Those who have felt like they were living outside their bodies;

Those who have felt like the turmoil they were going through was unique to them;

Those who have woken up in the middle of the night breathing hard with sweat on their foreheads;

Those who have felt like never getting out of their beds;

Those whose palms sweat anytime they step out of their homes;

Those who feel unsure about everything they do;

Those who feel like God is deaf to their needs;

Those who have at least three different people living inside the same head;

Those who feel like their mental health fluctuates like crazy.

Inhale, exhale. It will be okay. 

Song Choice:

- Dreamer Girl by Asa

- Doing It Wrong by Drake