His Last Song- "Ji'de Tas Anse"

Chapter Seven 7.1

4:55 p.m., 2021/5/20

Song carries me on his back as we head to the car, I slump against him as I sniffle.

I know... I know what it feels like to not want to be here anymore. But I can't feel like that... Baba and Papa would want me to keep going; they wouldn't want me to give up when I've gotten so far. But where to go? There's nothing without them...or my friends. Are they even alive? I think I've lost everyone that I care about; except Song. I know I should have hope that my friends are alive, but...I-I don't know. I really don't know.

My nose burns again, I whimper as I wipe my eyes.

"Itsuki," he says, I don't answer.

I'm listening.

"You're not alone in what you're feeling. The day that the meteors hit, our family and us had just landed in Hardane for the concert that Byeong-ho was going to be holding in Lyi Mbuga park. We found a hotel in the middle of the Purple Sea Lake City, and we weren't even completely settled in before Mal-Chin got into a fight with our parents. He left the hotel when he couldn't take it anymore, and we stayed out for hours even after Byeong-ho took over." —they're quiet for a while, then his voice gets deeper; Song's voice— "I stayed out for so long because I got lost, I've only been to Hardane once and that was when I was younger. But the other reason I stayed out so long was because I was afraid that I'd—or any one of us—would say something we wouldn't have meant. When it got too dark, my parents asked me to come back, but I refused; I stayed out for an hour more. During that whole hour, I felt this feeling in my chest; it was like...what I can describe it as was an urge to go back; but not an urge from me, and urge from, like, an outside force. Once the urge became too much, I went back to the hotel. But...before I could get there a...meteor landed on the hotel. I... I've... This whole time...I've felt that I could have saved them all if I hadn't spent that extra hour out."

"I-it's not...not your fault."

He hums and sighs. "That's true. But I never got to really say what I wanted to say to my parents. And I never got to give my sister the plushie I made for her."

I sigh as I relax into him more, "I never...got to say goodbye...or 'th-thank you'...for all they did for me; f-for loving me when the people who birthed me di-didn't." —I sigh again— "But...m-m-maybe we'll see...them in the after-life. Or m-maybe in a dream."

"I admire how you never give up hope."

"'Never'...is s-s-so definitive." —I push my face into his shoulder— "I-I'm not as s-strong as you think I am. I'm scared. An-and lonely; I'm very...l-lonely, it's why I didn't want you to le-leave me. And, ga', I never know what's go-going on. You shouldn't admire...me; none of you should...ad-admire me. I don't even kn-know how to say 'thank you'...to the only p-people who have ever loved...l-loved me."

"When you're truly doing something out of the goodness of your heart, out of the love of your heart, you're not doing it for a 'thank you'. I don't think they would want you to hold onto this when all they wanted for you was for you to feel loved. Seeing you thriving and happy, I'm sure that was the 'thank you' they needed." They go quiet, then Song adds, "And being scared, lonely, and never knowing what is going on is nothing to feel bad about. I feel that way sometimes too; just, not really lonely. You're strong because you're able to get through that; able to pull through that. But, it is also completely alright to not be strong all the time." He stops talking, then someone else adds, "Breaks...rest...is good. Even though we feel like we always need to keep going "

I sniffle as I wrap my arms around their neck, "Thank you... Th-that makes me feel a b-bit better. I... I just—i-it hurts."

He rubs my hands as he doesn't say anything else, but he nods.