retrospective || riley hayes life's riddles fic

buried with a dead name

tw//suicide, death, riley baby not understanding suicidal thoughts, description of a dead body
riley pov
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    The rope edged tightly into his skin, wrapping all the way around his pale neck. I couldn't bear to look at his face. Not in this state. I couldn't manage to scream. I just stood there, my throat completely dry.

   Imagine the place of your dreams. Somewhere you've always wanted to be, with someone you've always wanted to accompany, with something you've always wanted. Imagine your world is at your command, anything you want you can have, just like that.

   Now imagine all of that is suddenly whisked away; everything you had taken away as you watch helplessly.

   I clutched onto his legs, hugging him tighter and tighter as if that was somehow going to take everything back. As if that if he knew I was here, I was with him, he'd open his eyes. He'd slide down to the ground, wrapping his arms around me. We'd hug. We'd cry, but at the end of the day, all would be okay. He would be okay. We would be okay.
He's not opening his eyes.

   I screamed. I screamed into his leg, but even being muffled it was still loud. Piercingly loud. I didn't know I was able to be that loud. "Aiden, Aiden, Aiden," I sobbed, shaking him. He didn't move. I started to feel dizzy, like I was going to pass out. Everything was going blurry, too blurry.

   I remember being pulled away from Aiden, and collapsing into dad's arms. Aiden had been over at my house, for a sleep-over. It was supposed to be fun. We were supposed to stay up all night, supposed to go get snacks at midnight.

   Before dad took me out of the room, I stared up at Aiden. His face was pale, pale as the clouds on a warm sunny day. Why, why did he have to do this? Why today? Was today not sunny enough? Was the sleep-over dissapointing? Questions ran through my mind rapidly, but I knew, deep down, exactly why he was gone.

    Aiden's funeral was two days later. His headstone read 'Audreena'. I felt sick staring at it. Even in his last ceremony, his last farewell, they still hadn't got it right. They still hadn't cared enough. Enough about how he felt.

   I couldn't watch as they lowered the coffin down into the ground. His memory would never be cemented. Kids would walk through the miles of headstones as their parents left flowers at graves of people they had never met, and read 'Audreena'. They'd wonder what 'Audreena''s life was like. Not Aiden's.

   I let go of dad's hand, stepping back into the crowd. Dad looked over his shoulder, a sad frown on his face. I continued to back away, until I had completely turned around and started running. Dad didn't chase me.

   Aiden and I used to play tag around here. The big old church. It was roughly in the middle of me and Aiden's houses, so it was a good place to meet up. We'd run through and between all the memorials, laughing and out of breath.

   Never once, in the hundreds of times we'd gone in and out, had I thought about the people buried beneath. Were there headstones accurate? What kind of lives did they lead?

   I went round the corner, completely out of sight of the adults. Dad had insisted that I didn't have to come here. Why had I been so sure I wanted to? I should have known this would go badly. Aiden was the only reason I didn't completely break at my mother's funeral. Sure, I sobbed, I sobbed loudly; everyone was staring at me, as I sobbed loudly over my mother's death, but I wasn't beyond repair. Aiden held my hand when dad couldn't that day. Dad was worse than me, he was crying uncontrollably the whole time, crying that it was his fault and that he should have helped her.

   I didn't help her, my mother, either, I had noted. I didn't know anything was wrong. Was it my fault too?
"It's not your fault, Riley," Aiden had reassured, as if he had read my mind. ".. How do you know? She didn't.. She didn't leave a note.. It's-it's my fault Aiden I know it, I know it's my fault."

   I didn't once consider that Aiden was selfish for what he did. He saw how I reacted when my mother committed, yet he still copied her. I can't imagine what was going on inside Aiden's mind. Especially after what happened.

   I sat hunched up against the church's outer wall, my knees right up to my chest. The pebbles I was sitting on hurt, but that was the least of my concerns. I stared blankly at the ground, not knowing what to do. Why was everyone around me killing themselves? I hadn't even known what suicide was up until a few weeks ago. Who is next?

   Dad had been crying late at night every night when he thought I couldn't hear him, maybe he would go next. No, I don't want dad to go. Am I supposed to go next?

   That thought in particular didn't sit right with me. It was the first of a few thoughts like that that didn't sit right with me. Am I supposed to kill myself now? What's the order? Who's next? If I volunteer to go next, will that let someone else, dad, live longer?

    This isn't something everyone goes through, is it? Am I just overreacting? Why hadn't my teachers told me about all this?

   After the funeral I decided not to prolong things, so that dad would get loads more time alive. I remembered going to a park with Aiden once. He had told me he was feeling bad about his body, so I decided to try cheer him up. Dad agreed and came with us, so we all went for a walk in the park. There was a sign, next to a small pond full of ducks.

   We sat at the side of the pond, naming all the ducks. One of them, who we'd declared Gerald, swam over to the sign. Beware of water.

  The water in the pond was deep, dad explained that day. He said that if we fell in we wouldn't be able to get back out again, and that we'd drown. He then ushered us away from the water, and offered to get us ice cream.

   That was a nice day. I was happy that day, but more importantly, so was Aiden. He had a big smile on his face as we walked away from the pond.

   I filled my kitchen sink up, letting it go all the way up to just before the drain. Then, holding my breath, I held my head under the water. This is all for dad, I reminded myself, as I began to struggle to hold my breath longer.

   "Riley!" I was pulled from under the water. "What the fuck are you doing?" That was the first time I heard dad swear. Well other than when he did it under his breath on one of the bad days after my mother's passing, but those times didn't really count. It was quiet and barely audible those times. But he meant for me to hear it this time around.

   "You can't do that Riley... P-please, please, please." I looked up at him, confused. "I thought it was my turn," I addmited shyly, feeling a little dumb saying it out loud. Dad was shaking, pretty violently. "N-Never do that again. It's not your turn. It'll never be your turn. Riley, I k-know this must be so hard for you.. You're so brave, you're so brave." He hugged me hard, resting his chin on my head. He didn't care that my face was wet, he just hugged me anyway.

   I started crying. We were both crying now. It was oddly comforting, like some kind of morbid father-son bonding time.

    "I love you Riley," he reminded me quietly, "Your mother loved you so much too. She did, she really did love you."
"Why did she go?"
"Heaven was calling her, I'm afraid," he said. I could hear his voice breaking.
"What about Aiden? He's not an angel."
"Aiden.. Aiden- he, it wasn't Aiden's time to leave, Riley.. Aiden.. You'll understand it when you're older, Riri, but just remember that it isn't your fault."

   Why does everyone say that? It's like they know it IS my fault so they know to tell me that it isn't. If they hadn't considered it being my fault, they wouldn't have even mentioned it. He thinks it's my fault, doesn't he?

"I'm sorry," I managed to say.
"Just.. Please never do what you were trying to do ever again.."
"I won't!" I yelled louder than I should have.
"Promise."
"I promise, I promise, I promise," I whined. He smiled sadly, running a hand through my hair.
At least I still have dad.

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