retrospective || riley hayes life's riddles fic

all hail, prototype 3

tw//mentions of self-harm, mentions of suicide, vague description of suicide, homophobia, bullying, sad robyn :(

Riley pov
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   Kindly put me out of my fucking misery. I leaned my head against the window, listing every inconvenience that could possibly happen within the next few hours over and over again inside my head.

   I'd literally begged dad to just let me walk. BEGGED. Yet here I am, in his stupid car. Oh, but it's such a long walk.., Riley, I'll just drive you there... Don't worry, I'll drive you... I thought it was pretty obvious that I didn't want to be driven. I just want to walk to school. Is that too much to ask for?

    Sorry. I'm just grumpy. I don't even know why I'm so grumpy, perhaps it's due to lack of sleep. I'm not usually one to sleep in class, but that's looking like a pretty high possibility right now. Despite leaving Andre and Forrest early, I didn't get back home until late, mostly because I was angry and didn't want to have to run into dad or Ash, so waiting it out until they were both asleep was pretty much my only choice, other than breaking in through a window.

    I couldn't go back to Forrest and Andre, not after my dramatic exit. How awkward would that be? Just sauntering back into the park, Hey Andre, hey Forrest, I know I just got super offended at you calling me a slur that shouldn't affect me because you don't know I'm a big-scary pansexual, but like, no homo, can we keep hanging out? 

    "You sure you don't want to be left at the entrance? I don't mind driving you there-" Here we go again. "No, just leave me at the next turn-in."
"The next one? Are you sure? That's a long way from the school."
"Yes, yes I'm sure!"
"It's a really lo-"
"I don't care!"

    He immediately shut up. I had a strong feeling I'd made him cry, but I didn't look. I kept staring out the window, counting down the seconds until the turn-in. I just wanted out of that car. 

    As soon as we pulled in, I swung the door open. Before I could get myself out, dad spoke up again. "Riley, wait- I can still bring you closer, n-not to the entrance, just closer- there's still twenty-minutes from here, a-and-" 
"Shut up! I'd rather kill myself than stay in a car with you any longer!" He stared at me, completely taken aback. Under his eyes were red patches, which kind of just confirmed he had been crying. I got out of the car, not looking back at him as I promptly slammed the door shut. 

    Well shit. Way to make things even worse, aye? I went round to the back, hastily grabbing my bags from the back. Dad didn't say anything to me as I lifted the final bag out, and nor did I to him. 

    At least I wouldn't be seeing him for a while. Twenty minutes. I stormed down the footpath, clutching my stuff angrily. Eighteen minutes. I'm just tired, that's all. I didn't mean to lash out at dad like that. I've been avoiding him all summer, and during the last moments, before I go off to stay in school dorms, I tell him I'd kill myself? That wouldn't be that bad if it weren't for the fact his WIFE overdosed. Sixteen minutes. And what am I supposed to do when I get to school? Return obediently to Andre and Forrest's side? I've said it before, but I do like hanging out with them. I do! But... I know it's bad. I guess I'm self-aware, for lack of a better term. 

    Fourteen minutes. Last night was awful. Not only did I arrive back later than usual, I then couldn't sleep properly. Twelve minutes. Twelve isn't that bad. But I was kind of starting to regret not taking up dad's offer. I didn't mean it, you know; when I said I'd rather kill myself. It just came out. It was like what I said about Octavia, on my first day. I didn't actually mean it. 

   Eleven minutes. It was just a slip-up. Everyone makes mistakes. Right? Yeah, yeah I am right. Both incidents were purely accidental... And all the other stuff I'd said to dad and Octavia, too. Like when I called Octavia a lesbian. Not that that's an insult on its own, but the way I said it was. It was all just a series of planned accidents. Planned accidents-? Okay, yeah, whatever, planned accidents! I'll just roll with it.