The Snuggle Therapy:College Service

College Service | Forty • Three

Maxie

Tyler's been moody all day, he's been throwing tantrums about the littlest things, I know he is a kid and they're supposed to do that but he isn't normally like this. I can't help but feel worried about him. Maggie's been texting all day. she asks me to come home as soon as I finish class since  my son has been crying the minute I left the house for a class this morning. I couldn't concentrate on any of the classes.

every time I think about Tyler I always think about the day I first held him. covered in blood wailing bloody murder. the doctors said it's not normal for the baby to cry that loud and that he came out of this world angry. they're joking with me and me kind of get it because I look at them in question about why my son sounded like he's being decapitated. they just shrugged and told me everything was fine. It was true, everything was perfect with Tyler because, after that, he became the perfect baby. yes, perfect in all aspects. he slept while we sleep and rarely cry and stays up at night as other babies do. it is as if he sensed my struggles and behaved. he was such a good baby. he's not your regular baby. mine is cuter than anyone's baby and I will fight tooth and nails for it. the mom jokes are kind of creepy. I feel like when you get pregnant and got a baby it comes with it.

my phone buzzed in my pocket and I surreptitiously pulled it out while the professor lecture. every time it vibrates my anxiety skyrockets. it could be Maggie again ... or worse.

Victor ...

My heart faltered and I swear it takes a screenshot of my whole body whenever I see his name on my phone. when will react normally whenever this happened? I mentally prepare myself for what I'm about to open.

What time does your class end?

Is it normal for one's heart to go erratic like this for the literal simplest question in the entire history? Probably not. I take a deep breath trying to normalize my beating heart and try to clear my thoughts because that one simple question sent me to my overthinking spiral. Such as: Why does he want to know? Why is texting me like this out of the blue? Why is he so random? What does he need from me? Why do I still love him so—wait what?! Why do I miss him so? How the hell does one text message from him make me go off like this?

The fact of the matter is, I'm very much aware of why he is texting me like this, why he is asking me this question ... still I have no clue why my brain goes off like that.

One week earlier ...

Victor's name flashed on my screen. For some reason, my brain was not able to register what I was seeing right away—like it took a detour to the past and made me look at my phone and not seeing it. It went back to the very beginning, the trauma's, the good memories, the traumas, and then another one of those--until it gets back to where I am, by the time it completes the trip I almost freak out because I'm just about to miss his call. My muscle memory probably saved me and click on the green button before I caught up to it. Why am I like this?

"Hello?" I greeted, my voice wavers a little bit. a little bit but inside my head, I am trying so hard to sound nonchalant and the opposite of a nervous wrecked.

"Max?" he asks sounded ... unsure and nervous. My heart filled almost instantly and there it goes the erratic heartbeat. his voice sounds like ... fucking heaven. I hate it, I should hate it but I honestly never loved anything this much. It's a very unhealthy amount. Calm the hell down Maxie, he just said your name—and again it sounds beautiful. I mentally rolled my eyes at my stupid thoughts. I have a lot of them. I have the dumbest thoughts in the world.

I remind myself that I'm not supposed to be happy to hear from him. I'm supposed to be upset with him. I'm supposed to be not this person anymore.

"Hey, Watsup?" I said after I cleared my throat. My chest feels tight. I felt Tate's presence near me as she rises from her chair. I can feel her staring at me questioningly, she must have sensed the sudden whip of change in the air.