I Lied When I Said I Was Okay (frerard)

part 9- Scars

For those of you who still haven’t abandoned this story! Please read, this is very important!!!

Umm so first of all, I’d like to thank you for still reading this ^-^ (for the millionth time) so I have an idea for a beautiful continuation for the story, but it’ll be kind of dark and depressing, so I just wanted to give you a heads up  on that…
also, the songs that I attach to every part is the song that the part is inspired by, and all of them are amazing songs so I suggest you listen to them while reading cause they are amazing :’) anyways, sorry for blah blah blahing, here’s the new part: ^-^

 

Gerard’s p.o.v.

Everything is just so, so fucking hard. I can’t go on, I can’t take it. I’m sick of everything.  Mostly of pretending that I’m okay and the sun is shining bright above my ‘happy’ mask. I just can’t explain how bad it is. I’m a stupid, reckless, hopeless, idiot asshole that drowned deep in self hatred and depression. It makes me wanna choke on my own vomit, or perhaps jump off the roof or slit my throat or something like that.
I don’t really care what, just something. Something that will stop my pain and give me a cause to live, and not just pretend.
I’m so selfish.
Actually, maybe not so much.
After all, I keep pretending I’m fine for the people that care. And I don’t think I deserve any better. But maybe if I care for them it means I’m not so selfish… doesn’t it? No it doesn’t.
Everything is just so black and meaningless… no point in all of that shit called ‘life’.

I feel something nudge my arm. I groan, still not opening my eyes. I wonder how long I’ve been asleep, not too much I think.
“GERARD!!!” I felt a fist bump in my shoulder, and dammit that hurt. But I didn’t care, I was that kind of person you have LITERALLY pull out of bed.
“WAKE THE FUCK UP, ASSHOLE!” I feel him punch me again, much harder but I ignore it anyway. What do I have to wake up for? School? ‘friends’? ‘’family?’’ nothing.
“COME ON, IDIOT!” I feel a hard hit in my gut. Why hell, thanks for almost making me throw up. Best way to wake up a guy. At the fist hits me I jump and sit up.
“IDIOT! YOU’RE GONNA BE LATE! GET UP!” Mikey stares at me with his death glare.
“Mikes, I can’t be your bodyguard forever, you know that. Why are you so pushy to get to school anyway?” I ask him, because he always wants to get to school as late as possible, so what’s the fucking point of waking me up in 6:45 AM. Then, I notice something different. Mikey’s eyeliner is not smeared. It’s actually done nicely, and not messy and creepy as usual. Also, he’s wearing his cute pair of glasses, and not the old  one. And finally; his hair. Mikey hair is always such a mess, I SWEAR he keeps a bird nest in there. But today, he actually FUCKING COMBED IT. I can say that Mikey actually for once, looked attractive.

I realized I was staring at him all that time as if he fell from the moon or something.
“Umm…. Earth to Gerard?” he waves his hands in front of my face to pull me out of it, and sure enough I do.
“What the fuck Mikey?!” I ask, and he seems confused. “Oh don’t act like an idiot, you think I haven’t noticed?! You actually look GOOOD.” He looks down and buries his hands in the pockets of his iron maiden hoodie. He blushes slightly, and turns his head away. And suddenly it hits me. “I get it now!” I say, a huge-ass grin on my face. “It’s about someone, isn’t it?!” and just as I say that his head shoots up and he looks at me. “I KNEW IT!” I point out, tearing the blankets off me and getting up.
“I didn’t admit anything.” He mumbles, his face still crimson red.
“I know though.” I chuckle and pull on a pair of black skinnies with rips in them.
“HOW can you prove it?!” he asks. God, I swear you can hear the embarrassment in that guys voice.
“I don’t need a fucking proof Mike’s, you’re my brother. I know you, and I can tell.” I pull a green day shirt out of the closet and slip it over my head, Mikey still standing awkwardly in front of me. “So who is it?” I ask, my curiosity taking control. He sighs and crushes on my bed with his face against the sheets.
“A guy from my music class.” He says, sounding a little like a pipe when his voice is coming out against the sheets. “His name is Ray.” I can almost feel Mikey smile as he says that name. he was just so adorable whenever he felt like impressing someone.  I put my plain black hoodie, and a red scarf. Hmm… Ray… sounds familiar… but who…who..-oh!!! I know who that is, I’ve seen him around a few times, he seems pretty cool with his huge fro and all dark clothes. And his smile is like heart melting. Yeah, I guess I see why Mikey would like him.
“Ohh that fro guy right?”
“Mm hmm” he mumbles against the bed, as I take a bunch of school books and throw them into my AC\DC schoolbag.
“He seems cool. I’m happy for you Mikes” and I really am, I like seeing my brother when he’s happy. He turns to his back and stares at the ceiling.
“I think I’m crushing over him.” Yeah Mikey, like that wasn’t already obvious.
“Aww that’s so adorable.” I smile at him, and go to the mirror. Damn, my legs look sexy in skinnies. I pull the eyeliner out of my pocket, and put it on, surrounding my eyes with big dark circles. 
“The thing is, I only see him in music and we only have it twice a week. So I thought… maybe… I’ll come earlier today and… you know… hang with him a little…” he was blushing again. Damn, my little brother is CRUSHING over someone. Fucking sweet.
“Okay, I’ll drive you.” He visibly sighs in relief.
“Thanks Gee, you’re the best.” Yeah right, I’m the ‘best’. If only he knew about my problems.
“No prob, Little bro.” I say and push his arm as he gets up.
“Gee, what’s that?” he asks, looking strangely at my neck.
“What?” I ask. Seriously, what is he talking about?
“That!” he says and brushes his fingers against the burning side of my neck. Oh… THAT. 
Like I can tell him.
“I umm fell off my bed last night.” Really Gerard? That’s the best you can come up with?! Umm actually it pretty much is.
“Oh.. be careful with that…” he says, and I pull the scarf higher so that the wound won’t be visible. I’m not going to tell anyone.

After that, we go downstairs and eat our breakfast. Well, he eats, I don’t. I just drink my coffee.
“Why don’t you eat, Gee?” well, this was expected.
“I’m just… I’m not hungry. I can’t eat that early.” I mumble.
“Oh.” He says, and pushes the last spoonful of cornflakes in his mouth.
“I’ll be back in a minute.” I say, and he nods as I jump out of my chair and run to my room. I open my drawer, and snoop in it for my precious. Ah! Here it is! I pull out the brand new box of Marlboro red and a jack skellington lighter. I push them both in my pockets, and go downstairs to find that Mikey is already in the car. I grab the keys and lock the door, shaking my head. How excited can a guy be?!

I hop in the car, and music blasts in my ears. We ride to school without talking. After we park the car, Mikey jumps out of the car first and runs away.
“Thanks Gee! See you later!” he yells as he runs into the school.
“Bye Mikes!” I yell at him, and get out of the car slowly. I’ve got time. I enter the school, but it’s already filled with teachers. But almost no students at all, though. I go to the bathroom, since it’s the only place where I can smoke. Luckily, it’s empty. I sit by the window, and put a cigarette in the corner of my mouth. I light it with my too-awesome-to-be-real lighter, and inhale heavily. I close my eyes and let the smoke out, feeling relaxed and relieved as my lungs empty themselves. I love the times I get to smoke with myself. Gives me time to think. I take a few more drags, and decide what would be good now. REALLY good. I pull up the sleeve of my hoodie to reveal my scarred arm. There are already so many, a few more wouldn’t change anything, would they?

I take the cigarette out of my mouth and press it to my wrist, feeling the instant pain. I groan lightly and press it harder, until little drops of blood appear around the burn. I pull it away, and place it to another spot on my arm, and proceed to do it for about five minutes.

Until the bathroom door shoots open, and I don’t have enough time to hide what I’m doing. Frank was standing at the door.
“WHAT THE FUCK, GEE?!” He yells and runs towards me. I manage to pull my sleeve down before he gets to me.
“WHAT WERE YOU DOING???!!! GIVE ME YOUR ARM! NOW!” He grabs my arm, but I resist. I keep it pressed against my body as hard as possible.
“GERARD, LET GO!” He proceeds to pull it, anger clear in his eyes. After a few more attempts, he sighs and lets go of my arm.
“Gerard… please…” and there comes that look. The look I can’t ever resist. Frank looks helpless. He’s… crying. Two precious pools of gold, spilling their magic away. And I just can’t see him like that. “Please…” he says again, and looks in my eyes, and suddenly my expression softens. I put my hands on his shoulders.
“I’m… I-I I’m sorry…” that’s the only thing I manage to choke out. Nobody ever caught me self harming.
“You’re always so fucking sorry Gee. Save it, it doesn’t change anything.” He says and his hand wraps around my arm again. “Can I? Please?” he asks, puppy eying me again. This time, I don’t resist. I let him pull my sleeve up, and see all of the burns. He frowns and looks me in the eyes again.
“What am I going to do with you…” he shakes his head and pulls me into a hug. That’s good, I can admit I actually needed it. I rest my head on his shoulder and close my eyes.
“Why?” he whispers in my ear. That question that I will never give an honest answer to.
“Because it hurts. Everything is too much.” I say, and he traces my hair with his fingers.
“Talk to me…” he says. But that’s the problem. I can’t tell him anything. I can say he looks really good today. At first, he’s been a little weak after we left the hospital, but now, a week later, he’s doing great. He’s back to normal.
“I’d rather not to right now… I’m not in the mood. Perhaps later.” I say, my voice is all husky and breaking since I’m holding back my tears.
“Okay… but please Gee, whenever you feel the urge to do it just call me, I’ll come over. Nothing is worth hurting yourself.” And then, the bathroom door is opened.

thanks so much for reading!!! I love you all <3 please please please leave comments and tell me if you like it :3 you guys are the best ;D