I Lied When I Said I Was Okay (frerard)

part 11- Drowning in the pain, breaking down again, looking for a lifeline.

Kay, I really like naming chapters after lyrics from songs as you noticed XD but im running out of ideas, so anybody has any good depression songs? If so, tell me! J Enjoy the new chapter, walnuts! (Yeah, I decided to call you walnuts :3 get used to that madafackas ^^)

 

Gerard's p.o.v:

 

As soon as I got home, I just crashed on my bed and started sobbing. No one was there, so I was free to cry my fucking heart out. No point of hiding it. I don’t know how long I laid there, sobbing into my pillow but it was a lot of time.

I can't take it any longer. That feeling. I was so angry at myself, hated myself so much for everything I did and didn’t do. 

You're fucking worthless. Nobody wants you, nobody loves you. Idiot. If you were bothered to pick up your lazy ass and make a difference things might’ve been better. Fuck you.

 

But I do have people that love me! I have Mikey, and frank. They love me, don’t they?

No, they don’t!!! Who would? Who could be bothered to waste their time on a retard that does no good to the world?

 

Shut the fuck up, bitch! Stupid conscience! You're gonna make me kill myself!!!

Oh, but that’s what you want, isn’t it?

 

I do. I really do. GOD, SHUT UP! NOW!

Make me!

 

PLEASE!

My thoughts were cut off by the sound of my phone going off. I didn’t get up and answer it, I couldn’t be bothered to talk right now so I just ignored it. The phone stopped ringing, and I could now hear that it was raining outside. Good old grey Jersey. My phone started ringing again. It was quite annoying so I got up and went to the kitchen to do what I intended to do in the first place.

I grabbed the knife and went back to my room… you can guess what happened next. I lay on my dark sheets and added a noticeable number of cuts to the collection. Even as I concentrate on the blood I can't stop getting these suicidal thoughts. I just lie there, the knife beside me and sob like a baby. I'm so retarded.

I fall asleep soon after that. I dreamed something, but I didn’t remember what. Probably something dark, creepy and pointless. I woke up to the smell of coffee. Oh god, that smells so good. Mom's probably home.

I roll to my side and open my eyes, surprised to see what was there. To be precise, WHO was there.

"F-Frank? What are you doing here?" I asked in surprise. He was sitting on the chair near my desk, a cup of coffee in his hand. There was another cup of coffee and two sandwiches on the table, one of  them already half eaten. He instantly looked up when he heard my voice.

"Oh good, you're awake." He said quietly, without even smiling. He took the cup of coffee and gave it to me. I sat myself up and took it in my hands, seeping from the hot liquid.