a little bit of help (ON HOLD)

Coming Out (Again)

Alex. Kara. Sam. Ruby. Maggie. J'onn. Lena.

(Lena's POV)

I just had to explain to Alex the importance of sex vs. gender and she seems to have gotten it. I personally would have loved a choice when I was little but Lillian never talked about that stuff with me... come to think of it she never talked to me unless she had to for the sake of the press. When I was younger I used to think about cutting my hair short and ditching all of my expensive skirts and dresses for dress pants and suits. I sometimes felt more like me when I was in Lex's old suits and tuxes although they were way too big rather than those skirts and dresses Lillian always made me wear even when we were at the Luthor Mansion alone. I remember hating it so much. Hating that I couldn't be me in the one place it was always supposed to be ok to be myself. It was one of the reasons why I cut. I NEVER want my kid to feel that way. Like they can't be themselves or like they have to fake it for my sake.

(Author POV)

Lena subconsciously touches her stomach thinking about how she doesn't want her kid to feel the same way that she did. This causes Kara to worry. Especially since Lena's been in her head for the past ten minutes with these thoughts ignoring everything thing and everyone around her.

Lee? Kara calls again for the tenth time in as many minutes only this time it reaches Lena's ear and she actually responds.

What?  Lena asks a little dazed because she's still partially in her head and then when she looks around she is confused as to why everyone is looking at her.

You okay?

Yeah I'm fine . Why?

You've been ignoring us for the past 10 minutes.

I have?

Yeah. Are you sure you're feel'n ok?

Yeah it's just-  Lena then realizes something. -I'm not gay?

She says with questioning in her voice?

Lena of course you're gay Lee. You're literally married to me. A girl.  Kara says gesturing herself up and down.

No I'm not. Kara and Alex, Eliza gave be you guys the hot dog and the bun talk right?

The what??

I think she means the birds and the bees talk.

Oh yeah she did. Why?

And you both had some kind of celebration when you got your first periods right?

Again yes. Why?

I never got either of those things. Lillian didn't care I always called her mom but she didn't raise me. The nanny's did. I freaked when I got my first period sure I was 15IQ points away from being certified genius level smart but I seriously remember thinking I was going to bleed out. I was 16 when it happened and Lillian was actually home that day. I ran to her study. I wasn't supposed to go in and normally I wouldn't have but I seriously thought I was slowly bleeding out. I went in, I didn't even knock and I said and I quote "mom I'm bleeding" she said "get a bandaid I  told you not to bother me unless Lex was dying" she didn't say unless I Lena was dying only Lex. He was the only reason I could ever bother her. I said "Mom I'm bleeding down there I think something is wrong with me" she said " go tell Vanessa (that was our nanny at the time)." So I went to Vanessa and she told me that there was nothing wrong with me and she gave me a pad and told me how to use it and she told me I needed to chage it every few hours and she gave me a heating pad when I got cramps for the first time. All the things that Lillian should have done the fucking nanny did. I swear no matter how long they were with us the nanny's were better mom's to me than Lillian ever was. I remember it started when I was 11. When I was home alone I would always put on Lex's old suits and tuxes even though I was nearly bone thin so they never fit because of course Lillian never donated a fucking thing. I would pretend that I was at one of Lillian's fancy parties and that I was the golden child and that Lillian was proud even though I was a girl wearing a tux. I sometimes felt more like me when I wore Lex's suits and tuxes but I never dared telling Lillian. Lex sometimes let me wear a tux when I was going to an event with just him if there were going to be no press there, and I  remember just being so fucking happy that I could be me even if only for a few short hours. But they were always the best hours of my life. At one of the events I saw what eleven year old me would describe as the most beautiful girl in the room she was my age and she looked like she didn't want to be there. I went to talk to her and she told me that she was non-binary and she explained what it was and that she used they/them pronouns instead of she/her. When I first saw them that was when I knew I liked girls but then when they told me I still thought that they were gorgeous. I didn't know what that meant. I thought it meant I was gay because while they identified and neither he nor she they where still born in a girls body but now I realize that wasn't it. I'm not gay, I'm pan and now everything makes so much more sense. I always thought that we had a lot in common but it was in more ways than I originally thought. I thought that me sometimes feeling more like me in Lex's suits and tuxes meant nothing you know I was still a girl I just liked playing dress up. But now I*huffs* I don't know my brain hurts.  Lena says talking to herself but saying everything out lound without even realizing it. She says the last part rubbing her temple's and getting up to pace around.

(Lena's POV)

OMG!! Everything makes so much more sense now!

(Author's POV)

Lena starts mumbling things to herself while pacing back and forth.

Lena, baby why dont you come and sit down. Kar says in a gentle voice.

Lean shakes her head. No, I need to think. She mumbles still pacing the floor only now in circles in stead of back and forth she is also now biting her almost non existent nails. A nervous habit she picked up years ago.

Alex tries next. Lena honey come sit down please, you'll make yourself dizzy.

This time Lena says nothing but instead just waves her off.

Lena Kieran Luthor-Danvers sit down now. Sam says in her stern mom voice.

Why'd you say my full name?

Because you weren't listening. Now sit your ass down and tell us what you're thinking.

I don't know what I'm thinking all of my thoughts are jumbled up. Like they're there, but they aren't.  Lena says taking a seat.

Lena do you think you may be non-binary?

I don't know?

Little Luthor, you said only sometimes you felt more like you when you wore Lex's suits and tuxes does that mean you felt like you when you wore dresses and skirts to?

Yeah some days I still felt like me in dreeses and other days I didn't.

Ok hear me out, I think you may be what's called gender fluid. It's when someone feels like a girl or boy some days and other days they feel like the opposite or just human neither boy nor girl. Does that sound right to you??

Yeah, yeah it does. How did yo-

I had a friend in the academy that was gender fluid. On forms they used the pronouns she/her since they don't have they/them as an option.

Oh

So Lee what do you feel?

I guess that's right I never knew I always just thought I like playing dress up like most little girls do but yeah that makes sense

Well good now you know so what pronouns do you want US to use in regards to you? Do you want us to keep using she/her or do you want us to start using they/them?

I don't want to make you guys uncomfortable 

It's not about us Lee it's about what makes you happy and what makes you comfortable.

I think I want you guys to use they/them pronouns instead of she/her pronouns 

Are you sure princess this is to make you comfortable? Wait can I  still call you princess or no?
 

Yeah I want to use they/them pronouns and you can still call me princess i like it.

Ok great

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That concludes this chapter at 1564 words hope you enjoyed updates on this and my other stories will be slow/non-existent because I got my tablet taken away months ago and just learned how to write on the website a few days ago since I don't and will never have the app on my phone but this was like barely started in my drafts but I didn't want any drafts so yeah hope you enjoyed bye