I can't breathe (Boyxboy)

Chapter 7

[...Chapter 7...] - I can't breathe

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"I feel like I need to tell him, Giles. Its a part of me, but I'm scared". I was leaned up against the cold brick wall in the ally. The aroma of vodka and cigars were stroking my nostrils, making me feel sick. Giles was sitting across from me on an empty beer crate sorrounded by old newspapers and magazines. "I can't tell you what or not to to, Eli. If you feel like it is necessary to do, for you to get comfortable, then do what you need to do".

The late night sky was sneaking up on us, making the ally seem gloomy. I almost couldn't see Giles. Only the dim lights from the street would light his face up enough for me to see his gray beard. His bald head was covered by a hat and his hazel-brown eyes were lighten by the candle on the wood surface of a table he had found. "I love him Giles, I really do. What if he gets scared of me? What if he leaves me?" I was out of breath. My heart was beating uncomfortably fast causing me to sweat.

"If he really lo...". I cut him off before he could finish the sentence. "Don't say that bull-crap to me. This isn't a fucking love story, this is serious!". Giles stayed quiet and moved his gaze from me to the rising new moon. I could feel tears pressing against my eyes, but I held them back. "I am sorry Giles" I said softly. "I am so fucking afraid. I love Adam so much and I would never hurt him. I would never hurt another man again." I was starting to sob and I could feel tears wheeling down my warm cheeks.

"Then its settled; He has nothing to be scared of." Was the last words he said before I left.

-

The road was covered in cement. The houses were surburban and came in many different variants and colors. I was searching for the well-known mahogany door. Outside was empty this late at night. The lawn was freshly mowed this morning and I could still smell the wet, cut grass hanging in the air. The lights were off and they were probably all asleep, but I knew a way in.

As I reached Adams window, after I had climbed the big tree, I slowly pushed it open. Adam told me that he never locked it because he was on second floor, which to him meant that people couldn't come in. The room was dark and smelled like Adam. I couldn't see anything, but I had done this enough times to know where everything was.

I felt the bed with my knee and slowly layed down beside Adam. I could feel him next to me and I could hear his breathing. He sounded so calm and peaceful. I didn't want to wake him, so instead I pushed myself closer to him and put my arms around him. I burried my face in his hair and inhaled his masculine scent. He noticed someone holding him and jumped up.

I kissed his neck when he had sat up. "Its just me" I whispered between the kisses. He layed down again and closed his eyes. I kissed his shoulders and stroked his chest with my fingers.

-

I woke up by the sunbeams crashing through the window and birds chirping outside. I didn't dare to move because Adams head was on my stomach. I took in the morning sky and started to play with his hair. In the sunlight I could really see him. He was only wearing boxers and socks. He is like me; I can't sleep without socks on. Most people might find that weird and uncomfortable, But honestly I feel naked without my socks.

His hand, that was laying by his head started to draw circles on my stomach. "Morning". I could hear him smile. "Goodmorning Adam" I said as I traced my hand from his hair to his cheek. He turned his head, looking up at me, and started to kiss my hand. I gazed into his beautiful eyes and he kept his eyes on mine.

I could feel a tensening in my muscles; I needed to tell him. I wanted to cry and the waterstream pushed against my view. Adam noticed my eyes watering and pressed his lips hard against mine. I couldn't hold it back anymore when he kissed me. My eyes started to drip and I felt that a little pain was released.

"I need to tell you something" I said when he broke the kiss. He looked at me with a serious expression, studying my face. He layed his hand on my chest to feel my heart and the whole time he kept his eyes on mine. I could feel his warmth through the fabric of my shirt. "Go for it".

I took a deep breath. My face was dry from all the tears that I had been shedding. "I killed a man".

Adam stayed quiet, staring out into open air, so I continued; "Before I moved here, I was in a relationship with this man" I bit my bottomlip and was feeling very anxious.

"He was abusive towards me, which caused me to start drinking. And smoking. And injecting." Tears was slowly starting to roll down my face again. I felt like I was getting choked. "He would hit me until my whole body was purple. He would slap me until I did what he wanted. Everytime he hit me, it felt like a kiss."

"In the beginning I thought it was because he was nervous in a new relationship, but I was wrong. So very wrong". I couldn't control my tears even if I tried. "We moved in together. A nice house, big garden and all made out of the finest wood". Adam was leaned against the wall besides me staring right ahead with no emotion on his face. "I thought it would be a new beginning. We would have kids, a dog maybe even a guinea pig. But it only got worse; He would lock me up in the basement, as if I was his dull. He would let me out when he needed me and the rest of the time I was alone in the dark, sorrounded by my own dark thoughts and this went on for years..."...

-=§=- Flashback -=§=-

The liquid was pouring from my wrist. I couldn't feel the pain, but I wanted to so bad; I felt disgusting. I couldn't see anything, I could only hear the footsteps from above. The hard cement floor was hurting against my naked skin and I was freezing.The steps came closer.

I kept trying to hurt myself by moving my wrist against the robe; I wanted to feel something, anything. I could smell the blood. I could feel it running down my arm. I pressed so hard that I even let out a small scream. It felt like my wrist were going to fall off. And I wished they did.

The footsteps reached the door down to the basement. I was feeling so furious; What did I do to deserve this? I only wanted him. I only wanted love. My blood was boiling and my heart was racing.

The door opened and a small beam of light lit up the underground room. My eyes were closed and the tears were uncontrolable. Shoes clicking against the stairs reached my ears. As the steps got closer, I had gotten so mad that my wrist were heatedly and repeatingly rubbing against the robe, making the it loosen.

As the clicking made it to the last step I got free. I took the nearest weapon, an iron pibe, and started to run against him. My anger was pumping the adrenalin through and around my body. I was tired of being his slave! I hit him as hard as I could in the head, making him stumble and fall on to the cement floor with a bang.

The outraged feeling was overpowering my emotions and I kept hitting him until his skull disapeared into the hard floor.

I left the house burned down to the ground. I left my home, my city and all of my past behind, while the fumes of coal and wood was enduring in the air.

"You made flowers grow in my lungs, and although they are beautiful, I can't fucking breathe."

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Wowsa... I feel so violent right now. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed. :)