Among Us Logic One Shots

Terror and Pride (Bro)

Warning: internal homophobia

Bro frowned, pulling his blanket around him.  His thoughts raced.  He hated being emotional like this.  Especially at what it was about.  It wasn't even true- he wasn't gay.  Every guy had those thoughts about men seriously sometimes, right?  There was no reason to doubt his sexuality or worse, to cry about it. 
Bro decided to distract himself.  Everything he thought about that would help him assure himself he was straight would only make him question himself more.  Football was obviously out of the question, that one YouTuber who gave advice for flirting with women had a really nice smooth voice...
Bro decided to watch an action movie with a male actor he really liked in it.  The female love interest was gorgeous and known for her looks.
Bro tried to focus on her during the movie, but his thoughts kept focusing on the man.  He wasn't sure why people said the women was so pretty, anyway.  She was very beautiful, but there was nothing about her that caught your attention.  The star however, was a different story.  Every scene he was in was fascinating!  The actress was so lucky to pretend to be with him...
Bro cringed at his thoughts.  The actress was stunning!  Much prettier than the average women.  Meanwhile, the man was just like every other man that Bro saw.  But, Bro thought, maybe that was because every man he saw was equally handsome and appealing. 
The movie ended and Bro laid down to go to sleep.  He tried to fantasize about being with women, but these thoughts were boring and didn't feel personal.  It didn't feel like him in his fantasies.

He woke up the next morning and went to go get breakfast.  He scrolled on his phone and chewed on his cereal.  Everywhere he looked he saw good looking men, and it made him mad.  He put his phone down and ate angrily. 
A few minutes later, he picked it back up and saw a headline that caught his eye: the actor from last night's movie had come out as gay. 
Bro made a slight surprised sound and clicked on the article.
The actor was really good looking on the cover photo, Bro thought.  While they definitely were made up, they were more natural and real than in the movie.  Bro found it equally fascinating, and he quickly scrolled away from the photo and skimmed the article. 
Bro found himself really happy reading the article.  The actor sounded confident.  He was happy for them. 
Bro was raised by homophobic parents, but he was definitely more tolerant than them, especially becoming so over time. 
But he still wasn't gay.  That was fine if other people felt like they were, but Bro wasn't. 
Bro read over a part that seemed scarily familiar: the actor was born in a homophobic family, and never knew any out gay people. 
They had always known something was different about themselves, though.  They hadn't related at all when other boys their age spoke of crushes on girls and picked random women to say they had one on. 
Bro recalled for a second the first girl he "dated," at age 11, who was very popular with the other kids.  They quickly broke up and remained friends for many years, her eventually coming out as a lesbian.  Bro had felt he was supposed to be offended, but he wasn't.  Even considering the fact they were such a young age, Bro always felt something about their relationship was fake on both sides.
Bro read on.  The actor described eventually moving on to faking crushes on fictional women.  They were always considered more typically beautiful.  But they could never see themselves with a real women, and relationships with men were always more desirable, and most importantly, deeply personal. 
Bro wiped at his eyes and realized he was softly crying.  He quickly got away from the article.
Bro ruminated over what the actor had said but tried not to.  It was deeply relatable.
What if he was gay?
This thought had jumped into his mind against his well before, but he didn't fight it as hard this time.
Bro sighed.  He didn't want to be gay.  What if he was...?  Might as well just accept it.  It was tiring to deny it for so long. 
Bro did not yet accept he was gay, but he accepted the possibly that he might be. 
Bro decided to let himself fantasize about being with men, to see how it felt. 
It made him feel happy, if still a bit grossed out.  He compared it to the fantasy of being with a woman.  That grossed him out too, he realized.  But the thought of being with a man had other parts to it.  He could see himself in these fantasies.  The women always were vague and shapeless, while every time he imagined himself with a man, they were all different but equally appealing. 
He found himself crying more.  Maybe he was gay.  Why?  Why did he have to be gay?  He forced himself to be straight for years but it still hasn't worked.  He cried more and more until it turned to almost sobbing.
After crying for a while, he was more ready to face those feelings.  He took a shaky deep breath.  How could he ever be happy if he was gay?
Another thought came back.  How could he ever be happy pretending to be straight?  How could be in a loving relationship if he wasn't attracted to his partner?  He was gay, he had somewhat accepted.  But he still wanted to bury it, suppress it, and try to be straight.
Bro realized that was what he had been doing for years, albeit slightly differently.  This wouldn't work either.
Bro felt really angry at the injustice of it all.  Other men could just be straight, and happy with it, but Bro had to be gay.  Why?  Why did he have to be gay?  Even if he had accepted he was, he hadn't accepted it was a good thing.
He thought about all the men in his fantasies.  He thought about getting married to a man and hearing them say they loved him.  His face burned. 
Why couldn't he have these thoughts about women?
He realized he didn't want to.  The thought of being with men was so intensely happy that he didn't want anything else.
He just didn't want his parents to stop loving him.  He didn't want to be different.  He didn't want the knowledge that millions of people worldwide hated him.
He couldn't change that on his own, really, just like he couldn't change being gay. 
But if he had to change something, why make it the part of him that was so romantic and happy to think about?  Why couldn't it be the way people reacted to it?
He curled up, crying still.  He thought over it all constantly.
He was gay, wasn't he?  That wasn't too bad... it made him happier than he thought it would.  He thought he could only be happy with a women, so he would have to force it.  But he thought about how happy the thought of dating a man made him. 
He sighed and wiped at his tears.  It would take a while for him to fully accept these feelings, but he was much closer to it than he'd ever been.  He felt a strange mix of pride and terror. 
He realized the terror would be there whether he denied his feelings or not.  But the pride was only there when he accepted it.