Her Story!

Solitude explained

Such a simple yet complicated word!

Well according to the dictionary it means :

The state of being alone or lack of company; basically loneliness

Some enjoy being alone while some hate it but it truly is a complicated thing.We enjoy our own company because we fear that the people out there in the world will hurt us. We enjoy being alone because it gives us freedom that is no judgement from people we care about, no fake opinions, no scripted emotions, no faking actions, no unnecessary drama, no one to comment on how weird your fashion sense is, no one suggesting ways of covering up that acne, no one giving tips on how to lose weight, no anxiety of talking to people, it really just takes away our problems doesn't it ? Away from all the chaos its just you and only you whether you want to eat at 12 midnight or dance in the rain at 3am or wake up but 1pm. You can peacefully pray alone and just talk to your Rabb or journal, it gives a sense of freedom. It really does give the soul peace, there is a satisfaction in being able to understand yourself but not everyone is capable of doing that. You can freely go to places and be as carefree as you want. But this world really is a confusing place no wonder why it is only a temporary abode for us. We get so occupied in running after this dunya that we can bearly find time for prayer or reflection, the little time we do take out from our 'busy schedules' seems to pass by in trying to hide from people because we don't even know ourselves. It really is that weird. But everything was laid out in a simple way for us, praying 5 times, living a life of simplicity, putting your deen before this dunya, but here we stand afraid of no one else but ourselves.

Sometimes this being alone which people like, it kills people. The ideal mans brain is shaytaans workshop. Its when you want to be with people but you don't have that many friends so end up hanging out with yourself, just you and your thoughts! wonderful right, well for some this is the most dreadful thing. Being alone gives the mind the freedom to think whatever it wants cause you are bored and when this does happen you go to places darker than the colour black like your fears or past memories. When you are left alone with all those horrible memories and fears. you see your past flash before your eyes and you want to change it but then the consequence of your actions flash by, so you are stuck in a lonely dark place in which you don't want to accept the past but you are also afraid of your future. You have been broken so many times that you don't trust anyone with your little painful story. you have been hurt so many times that now you have just stopped feeling the hurt. You have cried so must that now those silent screams have just become tears flowing down. you have so many fears that you live your life in fear of doing the wrong thing, so you become a coward and when you are supposed to speak up or fight back you just stand there and wait for the moment to be over so that you can just be alone that alone which hurts you more than being with those who hate you. You just want to scream and let it all out or run away into a place far away from here amd build a small house near the lake and have a small garden with so many living flowers not dead like how we are inside, ones which smell really nice and bring colours into life,having cute kittens in that house for company and on whome you can shower all your love,wearing cute floral maxi dresses and running around like a free bird getting to be closer to your Rabb, finding peace in your heart but here you are stuck in these four walls with just your mind. You scream but have have to do that silently because what if someone hears you. You cry but have to hold your mouth in case your sobs get too loud. You wipe your tears as soon as they reach your chin in the fear that someone will see them. They say its fun being alone but this is the 'being alone' you experienced. Its the worst feeling ever but there definitely is ease after hardship, light at the end of the tunnel. This solitude. This loneliness. Its being alone even when you are in crowded room. Its wanting to be left alone but wanting to fight all this and just live life!

We have fought dark alone in the nights. We have hugged ourselves to sleep. We have made our wounds heal overnight. We have had to pick back up the broken pieces and make ourselves whole alone. We remind ourselves of what we are alone. We keep reminding ourselves that we don't need anyone's shoulder to cry on. we deal with our emotions on our own. We don't display to the world that we are sad or happy or mad at someone. Because we believe we are strong alone.

So here is to a new start ;

I have wiped the slate clean,

No more reminders from the past.

Memories of what I have been,

Have vanished at long last.

I look forward to my future anew.

Where all is strange.

Soon I will be among the few,

That plan their life at long range.

~The End~