Her Story!

Anxiety!

She looked okay. She talked with a smile on her face as if everything was fine but no one knew that deep inside she was literally shaking and having a mental breakdown, that her hands shook with the simple thought of just speaking. What if she said the wrong words. What if they didn't care. What if their opinion really didn't matter. What if no one cared to listen. What if they got bored of her talking. It's sad that someone could think so lowly of themselves but there she was wondering and stressing herself as to where it all went down. What if her laugh was too loud or what if it wasn't feminine enough. What if she pronounced words wrong and what if she stuttered while talking. She wished It would be okay to be her and not care of what others thought but she was scared of not fitting in. You'd think it would be okay even if she didn't fit in but she never ever was part of anything maybe she was but she didn't feel it. She just wanted to belong and be part of something, to fit in and feel whole, was it too much to ask for???
Do we ever remember the first time we get anxious and say oh shit this is the first time my whole body is vibrating in fear or we just forget because it happens ever so often. Do you remember the first time your words got stuck in your throat. Do you remember the first time you eyes become watery because you couldn't breathe. The first time it felt like there was no oxygen in the air.It's sad that someone could be so scared of talking yet loves talking. It's the fear that what if She cracked a lame joke and they don't take it as a joke and get offended. What if her being sarcastic hurts someone, and she sure as hell knew what pain felt like. She never wanted to be the cause of pain for anyone never but what if she did hurt someone because of a joke she cracked.

Aaah talk of overthinking. She sat on her balcony looking at the setting sun and just stared into the unknown thinking of where she went wrong. When was the first time she felt sad. When was the first time she cried in pain. When was the first time she had a panic attack. When was the first time she couldn't breath. When was the first time she tried killing herself. When did it start. How did it start. Did she just forget or did she want to not remember. It's weird because people always remember their firsts but she didn't remember the first time life felt not worth living. Memory loss???? Nah can't be maybe it was just a side effect of life😂 uk forgetting the sad moments in life so that living becomes bearable. But then that would mean she willingly wants to forget the not so happy parts of her life which meant most of her life. If the theory that Stress and anxiety lead to poor memory and Depression is associated with short-term memory loss is true damn it she must have forgottten so much about her life and it's not because google says that she lost memories but it's because she can't seem to remember where it went wrong and how it all started. Questioning your life but not getting any answers from yourself really is tiring. But then how do people deal with the memory loss. You see the thing is we tend to remember the pain and hurt because it's what affected us the most but life had happy moments too, there were times when her eyes glistened in happiness and there were times when she cried tears of joy how about those moments of life how about those memories, why can't we remember them because we had memory loss??
(We as in anyone who relates to this. This chapter was supposed to be a pov but then would it be interesting if I actually followed what I wanted to write so here is abit of what my diary gets every day)

Changing the style of this from a pov to relatable scenarios experienced by teenagers
So the name of this book her story is the story of how she (any third person) dealt with life